Confused about marrying fiance due to mostly sexless relationship

I have been with my fiance now for almost two years. We met at an akward time because he was getting out of a 2yr relationship and found out that his ex had ben cheating on him with his old best friend/roommate. While he liked me, he still gave her a lot of attention when we would hang out by talking to her on the phone for hours.

That situation got resolved, but shortly after we officially became boyfriend/girlfriend he started to turn me down a lot when it came to sex. When I met him he came off as a fairly sexually aggressive person like myself. After becoming pretty emotionally attached I found out that he was much of the opposite. He doesn't really like vaginas that much. I mean, he loves me and he claims to love having sex with me, but he has never offered on his own to orally pleasure me or indulged me in any spectacular sex sessions or even a moderately decent one.

Since being with him I have become more giving than I had ever been, but that doesn't seem to do anything for him.

Almost a year ago he proposed to me. My first reaction was that I wasn't expecting him to ask me and I didn't really want to say yes. I felt bad because prior to that I would talk a lot about how I wanted to marry him so bad and we almost elopped. I felt bad accepting when I had all these thoughts running through my head.

Lately, I have been more and more preoccupied with thoughts of ending the engagment…I'm so confused because I love him and I want to be with him, but I don't want a sexless marriage. I can barely stand a sexless engagement much less a standard relationship without sex. It feels like we are more like friends than lovers and that drives me crazy. I'm scared that I'm going to cheat on him even if it's just flirting with another guy. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, but I don't feel that my needs are being fullfilled. We've talked about this sooo much..almost overkill. He always says that he realizes that it is having a negative affect on our relationship and that he'll change, but he never does. If he does do anything you can totally tell it is out of guilt/pressure and then I can't enjoy myeslf.

What do I do? Is it possible to covience the person who loves you the most and vice versa to date other people without having any broken hearts?

I need sooo much help!!!

Become an Expert →

Answer #1

Wow sounds like what a LOT of my female friends are going through. You are in a tricky spot here. My friends bf just recently told her flat out he is scared of pussy. I mean he loves to have sex but he just all of a sudden is scared of it and wont go down on her if they even have sex at all. Mind you he has had only two sexual partners. Anyways She ended up having to end it because she loves sex. The run in event is that she shortly figured out that if worst comes to worst she will get a dildo and she loves him and want him back. Though at the same time I talk to her about stuff and she says that it will be hard not to think about cheating on him with some of the guys that she know will get her off and please her needs. Basically what I am saying is that you need to be very careful with your choices which I know you know. Fist off is you probably should flat out say that you either need to have a very long engagement or call it off for now because no matter what any one says sex is a big deal. No matter how smart we get we are all still animal and that means we like sex. I wold also tell him to stop jacking off if you have not already. Sadly I am now going to go back to another thing that I know about form a TV show. I know this from female friends who watch sex in the city. There was one of the girls who married a guy never had sex with him and after marriage he still did not. She thought that after they were together he would open up but he did not. She found out that all eh did was jack off and found that better then the idea of having sex. The marriage ended shortly then after. I know this is a TV show but still you can use it because there is some truth to it. If a person is a way that you donât like before you married dont think it will change after words. If anything it may get worse because your now with them for life. (though it is about a 50/50 with how devoices are these days) You could also try to take control of the situation and try to find a fetish that he may never new he liked. One night just pounce him and I will say basically rape him. That may be just the ticket he needs. That has worked for some of my other friends. Ok so now that I have rambled out many different thing I will just say it flat out. If you cant make yourself completely happy in a relationship in less then a month and a half then you should end it. That is plenty of time to get most problems worked out and if it takes longer then that you should not be with that person because the problems now are going to be so much smaller then the ones after marriage. Anyways I hope some of this has helped in the least bit and good luck. You knwo what you want you just have to do it. YOu looking for us to say what you want but in your heart you knwo what will be best.

I hope it all works out in the end: Mr.SexGuy

Answer #2

As a guy, I think you should dump him. As far as the masturbation commnents, again I’m a guy and I had drunk sex with my fiance at 2:30AM last night, sober really good sex at 1:00PM today, and I still masturbated on the couch after she went upstairs because I was turned on by something on TV. I’m over 40 and can say that I for one won’t be sexually inactive with my woman (or women) because of masturbating often.

Answer #3

Wow. After reading your statement, its so clear what the 'correct' answer is. The reasonable answer, the sane answer. It makes me wonder if my own situation could be so straight foward. And I'm just missing the answer because I don't want to see it!

Obviously you have to end the relationship and cut all ties. Its impossible to say why your boyfriend has little interest in sex with you. However, one thing will always be true. Actions are more important than words, even in relationships. Communication helps couples understand WHY they are acting in a certain manner, it doesn't make up for one's lacking behaviour. Saying that he loves you doesn't make up for a lack of action on his part.

If I had to guess, I'd say that he has an active fantasy sex life (masterbation…). Guys basically have to ejaculate now and then, and from a young age learn how to get the job done themselves. A lot of men (from what I hear) still masterbate while in good relationships. Of course, if the man prefers to masterbate than have sex with his girlfriend…. :(

I notice that you haven't really had it out with him regarding sex??? Why not? I hate to say it, but I can at times get too caught up in masterbation (sadly). And it can affect my sex life adversely. Its a bad habit. I had one girl freind who insisted on daily sex, which basicaly prevented me from ever beatin off. It it worked out well for both of us. I think thats your last ditch effort, if one exists. If he's masterbating and wasting his sex drive on fantasies, then you need to yank him back into the real world, namely YOU. But like I said, who knows the real story?? He could simply be a nut (I am sorry to say it like that).

I truly hope the best for you.

-AS

Answer #4

I truly hope the best for you.

-AS

Answer #5

If your fiance’ has any form of sexual dysfunction or porn addiction then that may be why he doesn’t have sex with you. He may love your friendship, your kindness, maybe even cooking/cleaning/pampering, but he does not want sex. He loves you enough to marry, but not enough to have sex. So, maybe he’s embarrassed about erectile dysfunction. Or, as mentioned above, a porn addiction. All men have excuses for why they watch that stuff, but maybe he didn’t feel like making an excuse and just decided not to tell you. Some men watch porn so often that they substitute porn for sex. Not all men can cum more than once in a day so if he watches it in the morning then you will get nothing the rest of the day, and then the cycle can repeat over and over. You will begin to feel alone, jealous, and desperate while he gets everything he needs. That isn’t fair, so I hope this is not the case. But this is the only answer I can think of because the same thing is happening to me right now with my fiance’. I hope you can work things out and rekindle your flame.

Sex

Sex education, Intimacy, Relationship advice

Ask an advisor one-on-one!