Trapped in a sexless relationship

I just read Dan Savage's last column on sexless relationships. I too am tied up in one as well. I love my girlfriend a lot, and she claims she loves me, but she says that sex is just not important to her.

Well, big news, sex is right up there on my hierarchy of needs. I cant see marrying this woman and settling down (now 27 years old) for the rest of my life with limited physical participation, yet we are planning a wedding and a future.

We both are in good physical shape, and we talk about this problem from time to time. She says that sex is not everything… and I agree it's not, yet I feel that although we are supposed to be hyper-civilized and above the base human needs, that it forms a core part of being a satisfied human being.

I love a great conversation, career fulfillment, relationships and so on, but with every day nearing this wedding, I can't see myself going into a barren relationship. I dont want to get married then have to satisfy myself through masturbation, porno, or heaven forbid, cheat on her.

Is there a sane way to back out of this without hurting each other too much?

Answer #1

Maybe I was harsh, but that is how I feel guys think about, but yes get out of that relationship if you don’t enjoy it.

Answer #2

cute how are you trapped in a sex relationship. the only trapped that could possibly be there is tha tyour or the other pperson is not coming out with the truth aaabout love. To be trapped means the need to be free. If in doubt bail out or when in doubt find out do not stay as you of that person needs to be spoken to good luck

Answer #3

it’s a decision you need to make for your self , if your asking questions you have doubts and you already know the answer, go on with your life don’t waste time as life is too short .

Answer #4

Jusy wondering why people are answering this guy’s question from over 3 years ago…uhmmm he’s either moved on, married her on passed on by now…what kind of question/answer forum is this?

Answer #5

Talk to her and see if you two can come to a compromise. If not, get out while you still can. I am in your same situation, only, reversed. It will eat away at your relationship. Cut and run, hun.

Answer #6

I am a woman and sex is everything and I want it all the time! I would just end it and find a girl who wants it like you do sex is normal and I think if you stay it will only get worse!

Answer #7

get out or you will drive yourself crazy. over a period of time you will start to be turned off by yourself.

Answer #8

hey who dosent think about sex even God said it was a gift to humans but even i as a girl think you two should talk about it. its not the most important thing in life but it is a requirement just talk to her maybe she has something on her mind

Answer #9

It is quite obvious that something is lacking and it is not just sex. Sex is the last lacking item. She sounds “frigid” and the definition of a frigid female is a clumsy male. Try being a real partner to her and being affectionate other than when you want sex. Another idea. instead of having sex with her, why don’t you try making love to her.? That is what women really want. Are you a team player in the relationship or just there to have your needs met? Amazing what genuine affection will do for a relationship. Establish a real relationship with her and the try making love for a change.

Answer #10

Sexual compatibility is very important in amrriage because it is THE thing that you are promising to each other and to each other alone! Some women are not as forthcoming about this as your girlfriend and pretend, pretend, pretend. Of course that sort of woman has an ulterior motive, your woman does not, so after following above advise aobut seeing if she has some technique she needs, or there isno medical problem, AFTER that if there is no change, let her go!

Answer #11

Trust me on this one! DO NOT marry the girl until you resolve the issue! Orgasms, counseling, whatever! As soon as you say "I DO" she will say "I DON'T". Then its cheating, alimony, child support, divorce costs!

You have no idea how lucky you are knowing this before you get married.

Walk away now! In a few months, when you meet the true love of your life, you'll thank me!

Answer #12

i’m in the same boat, but i’m the woman .. i’m lucky to get it once a month

Answer #13

My god, is that all guys think about? Sx this and sx that! Well if she doesn’t want to have s*x don’t force her or anything, geez! Maybe she wants to wait until you’re married! You ever think of that. God, seriously that is all guys think about!

Answer #14

sorry no comments…

Answer #15

I’m going through the EXACT same thing dude. Me and my girlfriend were scheduled to get married next year in October; I just recently brought up the idea of pushing the wedding back another year so we could “save some more money.” Truth be told, I’m starting to discover that there is no sexual compatibility between us. I would like to have sex about 3 - 5 times a week while she never brings it up and, if left in the hands of fate, we would be having sex 1 - 2 times a month. I have tried talking to her about it and the conversations usually leaves me feeling shallow for bringing it up. I have tried romancing her with night outs, taking her out on vacations; I have even gone as far as buying Cosmopolitan magazines to try and see what makes her tick…nothing has worked. When I do bring the discussions up regarding this issue, she will always try to act interested the next night but it always seems like she’s just doing it to “make it up to me” which makes me feel even worse. I’ve asked her if she’s still attracted to me and she always says yes but this whole thing has been eating away at my confidence. The latest technique I’ve tried has been to mark on the calendar the days we have sex. When I showed her that in one years time we had sex 22 times, she completely agreed that it was pathetic however nothing has changed. I’ve almost come to the conclusion that there is no hope. I love her so much that I would do anything for her, but I also love her so much that I know I couldn’t live with myself if I ever cheated on her. Still deciding what I’m gonna do but it’s getting worse….lately I’ve been almost hoping that the reason she’s not interested in sex with me is because she’s cheating on me…that way it would be easier for me to know what to do. Know that you are not alone pal. Good luck.

Answer #16

I’m not sure but what I do know is that this is why men and women tend to cheat. If you can’t get sex from your own partner, how can you be expected to stay faithful to her? I’m not saying your a cheater or that you’d ever do it but that’s just an example. Sex isn’t a big huge part of a relationship but it is something extra special that should indeed be shared between two people that are in love. I’d be getting to the bottom of why she doesn’t want to have sex. Could there possibly be someone else?

Answer #17

Hey Beat this…. I know a girl who is pathalogically insane about this subject.. she has lived with a Guy for 12 years.. and all they ever did was pet!! and for a long while now, she refuses to do ANYTHING to help him.. I call that TORTURE.. she is unbalanced… trouble is she is utterly georgious 5,11 slim and as sexy as Hell.. 31 years old New Yorker, totally utterly Bautiful… believe me !!!!!! to look at her you’d think she was “getting it” but no… she has some kind of pathalogical morality fixation… he occasionally begs her for help, all she gives him is a hug.. if he’s lucky.. 12 years she slept with him EVERY night, Its almost impossible to BELIEVE… But I KNOW it’s true, please believe me…!! the actually met when they were children 20 years ago, its more like Brother and sister, yet she wont cheat on him ever.. AND she NEVER Masturbates herself… beyond belief? Waht is Wrong with Her??? can anyone explain that to me?? I am dumbfounded and out of logic on this Pair.. what can I suggest to Him or her to do… is there any cure for such a problem, another little tell tale charateristic is… SHE NEVER CRIES, nothing on Earth makes her cry??? is she some kind of psycotic or something.. Please spill it, I’d be interested to hear your replies. thanks and good luck to all of you above… you deserve the MEDAL OF HONOUR for suffering such barren hopeless mind bending frustration.. God Bless you All, honest..

Answer #18

I am also trapped in a sexless relationship. However, I am a girl. My bf is the one that doesn’t want to do anything sexual. I constantly hear that he is tired, has a headche, or doesn’t feel well. I thought that this was only a problem in women but it occurs in both sexes. I am encouraging him to see a doctor to see if it’s a hormonal problem. He says that he needs to learn to relax more, but we went on a vacation to Vegas for 6 nights and still nothing. I say encourage her to do something about it, it is a very important part of a relationship. Without it, the relationship doesn’t feel complete. Arguments end up happening because you are not fully satisfied with your relationship. As much as I try to say sex isn’t important and it would be silly to end a relationship over sex, it’s a need. People need to feel wanted sexually from the one they love to feel good about themselves. Problems stem from this and it should be worked out before marrying her. From my readings it seems like a lot of relationships have sex issues. It’s nothing new and there is help out there if you are both willing to get it.

Answer #19

wow. well i as a woman can tell u that i agree with both of u. sex isnt everything but it is a big part of a relationship. huge. sex is a time of not only pleasure but a connection that u eager to have with someone to a point that yes, it does fulfill many desires. the better ur sexual relationship is the better cmmunication u both will have. im thinking u both have been together for a while if u are thinking of marriage though this is a big problem because whether u are male or female, sex is needed. a way to address the problem without hurting any feelings might be … to address the problem in a third person kind of way and see her response. to keep pushing it without a plan might frustrate u and give her the wrong idea. though if u are hping to marry this woman, u MUST resolve this affair ur needs dont go away.. besides.. waiting till her hormones begin to jump isnt such a bad idea.. women in that sense are a bit behind than men. how old are u both? good luck.

Answer #20

I despise sexuality. Honest, and I’m an 18 year old male. And I just want you to think about this: it’s often stated that embracing our sexuality and acknowledging our impulses is one of humanity’s defining pillars, yet there is a highly illogical flaw with that theory: what do OTHER non-human animals do to conceive? They MATE, which is literally a synonym for, you guessed it, SEX. So therefore, how does our requirement for sex make us SOOO human, when NON-human animals possess just a strong need for it???

So here’s my point: one of the factors that TRULY makes us human is our ability to QUESTION the act of sex, to DENY it (other animals run almost entirely by instinct, so therefore intercourse is not a matter of choice), to resist it, and find other meaning in life, which is precisely what I have done. Just open your eyes and see the truth.

Answer #21

I want to backup the replies you have receieved. I am married and my wife desires sex, with significantly less frequency then I do (I would choose 3-5 times a week, she is happy at 1-2 every two weeks). This is a constant problem.

I often feel that she is only having sex out of guilt, I also feel less than desired as I am always the initiator (but if I hold out and don't initiate she thinks I am angry about something, and if I tell her, then we have sex, but again it feels like it was my request and not her choice).

We have been married for 10 years and I have the two most wonderful children in the world. I have never cheated. I have thought about leaving her, but I could not do that to my children (and I do love her, but the frustration can be very painful - if it were not for the children I would probably have left at some point by now).

Delay the wedding, talk with her, and if the problem cannot be resolved, my advice would be to move on.

Answer #22

Speaking as a woman, I think that your only option is to find one whose needs are more in line with your own.

I've had guys that are on both ends of the spectrum, some can't keep up or leave me unsatisfied.

Others want so much there is no time for anything else - and I end up feeling guilty, which does NOT help the relationship in a healthy way.

in my opinion, the best thing for you to do is to talk to her about it. I know many women who have had abusive boyfriends, or who have had experiences that are best left unmentioned. In fact, a surprising number of women in the USA have had some sort of traumatic, sexual experience.

Yes, from what I read, you have talked to her - but be sure to bring this up. Is there something from her past that is causing her grief?

If she get therapy, perhaps her outlook will change. Or perhaps in the past, she has never had an orgasm, and hence, has a negative view on sex. Some women go through their entire lives only to realize at 30 something what good sex is really like.

You didn't mention if she is getting fulfilled, so to speak, in your post so I can only guess that she is…or perhaps she isn't, and that is the problem?

And trust me - your relationship is doomed if one partner feels like they aren't getting what they want out of the relationship.

Answer #23

i feel your pain…im going through the same thing….im a girl, 27, and my bf, 31 just has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. It’s wierd….he’ll kiss me once in a wihle, and its shocking, not because i dont expect it, but because i can tell that he is doing it to please me, not because he jus twants to kiss me….to be connected….heaven forbid we have sex, we can be in teh same bed, and he wont even touch me! it drives me insane….i think bout it all night and now its pretty much consumed all my thoughts, i dont get why he doesnt want me, it really tears down any self confidence i have, and i don’t feel attractive at all, i dont even find myself sexual anymore. i use to masturbate just becuase i was horny, but now i stopped doing that, i think im just all dried up! i have no passion left, and dont feel desirable. I’ve talked to him about this a few times, and he’s agreed that we dont, and that we should do it more often, but then thats it……the next day, its like we never had that conversation…..he’s a guy, isnt he supposed to want sex more than me, i’d want it everyday and every night if i could…life is short, and if your with the one you love, i say have sex as often as you can….but right now i feel like im stuck…we’ve been talking about getting married, but this one thing really scares me, i can’t be in a place where i wont hve sex ever again. I ve even told my self that sex is superficial and that i dont need it, but im really just denying something thats very improtant to me in a relationship, and i am not being fair to me, in the end, i’m not sure if its worth it…good luck….i didnt think there were so many ppl going thru the same thing..thanks for your posts, it helps to read everyone elses troubles/suggestions…love -n

Answer #24

First of all (from a woman)- it is interesting that guys always tell each other to ditch a girl who isn't putting out, but will tell a girl to try to be more patient, seductive, etc. when her guy isn't interested. If she does not have psychological issues, my advice is to have her go to her doctor for a checkup, at which time she needs to tell the doctor that she has no interest in sex. When medical causes are ruled out, maybe you should think about your approach. Stop thinking in terms of 'sex', and start thinking in terms of romance and 'making love.' Having a partner seduce you is so much more inspiring than 'wanna see what I've got in my pocket?'

Answer #25

there is no way to get out of this u just havet to try to get her to have sex wit u like wat is the closest yall have been to haveing sex?? if colse just keep goin if she dont wanna do it ask her if u love me and u care for me wat is the problem ? and if she say for intence i dont wan tto have sex cause she want to see wat ur realtion ship is all abotu then u just havet to respect the fact that she dont want to have sex so get over it just masterbate dont cheat just masterbate and watch porn it will work just dont do ne thing stupid just if u love her u will be iight with out haveing sex wit her intill she is ready

good luck hope u can get sum

Answer #26

I havent had sex in over a month. my g/f and I are taing a break for a few weeks because she has emotional disorders that are driving her over the edge. she has told me that she has no more sex-drive due to her medication. being a male I do desire sex quite often but have learned to live without. the onyl reason I can bare not having sex at this point is because I know im so in love with her that just being with her is good enough. it sucks of course but doing other non-sexual things in place of it will help keep your mind off of it. basically unless youre head over heels I wouldnt advise staying with her. then again its up to you to figure out what is truly best.

Answer #27

I really don’t think you should marry her because i wouldn’t want anyone to be in my shoes ,I have been married 5 years now the sex started but it was like slow coming 2 times a mo. dog then once a mo. then once every two mo. i thought it was me but i love the hell out of sex and i am dam good at it ,i had to face it it was him but i never would have believe someone could just not want sex ,why marry why waste my time like that how could you think you could change me and what gives you that right he had to know he said he didn’t think it would be a problem what you take dum a– hole pills for breakfast,i don’t want to hurt him but he’s hurt me he lied.What should i do?

Answer #28

Tell her that s*x IS important to you. It is intimate, loving, and natural. I think you should tell her this, and tell her that this is something that you would like to try in your life. And if she doesn’t want to don’t force her, but just tekk her that she isn’t the girl for you, and you want somebody who shares these same interests and needs. That’s all you can do. You could ask her to try something and if she doesn’t want to then it’s her loss. Don’t stay in a relationship that you don’t enjoy.

Answer #29

I have a boyfriend and I found out that he masterbate rather than having sex with me. We have sex one time a week, he masterbate 2-3 times a week. When I want sex he makes up excuses like he is tired. When we have sex he comes out really quick about 5 minutes. He seems to lost interest in sex he rather prefer to masterbate better. What do you think? Is he bored or lost interest in me? Do you think he will become gay later on? I think he is in denial of being gay. I know that two of his members is gay. Can you please give me advice and your opinion.

Answer #30

Sexless marriages are tuff..they are terrible..very painful..very frustraiting..they hurt a person’s body and soul..i know..i stayed in one way too long..had one child tried to make ago for her..sperated, divorced..married again after being single for seven years..had a good relationship before marriage, but after saying I do it came to a halt.. in eight months time, i have become that same frustrated man from a past life..i am hurting more now than the past it triggered it triggers hopelessness and another empty chapter in my life..What to do? i do not know the answer.. how long should a spouse wait?

Answer #31

dump her man. i know you will both be hurt and it will be really ugly and nasty, but she is being unfair to you by not really talking about this issue.

i agree with her that sex isn’t that important and sex isn’t everything, but normal couples have regular sex. they do because they want to. if you guys have sex less than once every 2 weeks, i would say there’s something wrong.

maybe you can salvage the relationship with counselling, but if she is unwilling or the counselling didn’t help, i wouldn’t stay.

you only live once man. why not be happy?

Answer #32

Wow..this question is 5 years ago..and the question asker didnt say anymore things..maybe he have moved on..haha humans are so cute sex maybe reali isnt everything..if you love someone deeply and to the max..u can give up your surely you can endure it till you go down to the soil right?haha but this kind of love..500 years you only see it 1 time XD GoodLuck people May Love Be With You <3

Answer #33

In a word, move on.

Don&#039;t marry someone not sexually compatible with you. Without going into a lot of detail, I can tell you from experience that it isn&#039;t easy to live with that situation in the house. And as time goes on it gets way worse. Then if you have kids you won&#039;t leave her because you won&#039;t want your children&#039;s lives to be affected.

There are too many divorces in this world. Make the lawyers poor. Don&#039;t marry her.

Answer #34

I am also in the same but a bit different one.My situation is that when my girlfriend was staying alone,she liked sex as much as I did.Now she brought her daughter(4yrs) to leave with her and they are living in a 1 room and am also living in a one room that iam renting,so the problem is that she thinks that the daughter knows what’s going on when we have sex,even if it’s at 1,2 or 3am when I could also see that her daughter is fast asleep.Now I must only wait for schools to close so she can send her daughter home or only when her mom is in town so she can look after her daughter,that’s when she’ll come over to me.So this has been going for like about a year and it has been a month since we’ve had sex.I love this girl so much,must I believe her when she says she loves me and be patient until an accommodation problem is sorted?

Answer #35

Run as far as you can away from this sexless relationship! I’m going through the same thing right now, I lay there some nights and wonder what the hell I’m even doing! I want sex, I don’t want to do it myself. Yeah, get the HELL out of that mess NOW!

Answer #36

listen playboy! be straight up with her! let her know you wanna hit that booty about 3 times a night! the truth will set you free! when 2 people like each other then they are gonnal wanna sex each other! its not about sex being all that, its about the fact that you love her! and don’t let her put words in your mouth either! you love her and you want to show her by exchanging d.n.a. if she loved you she would want to exchange d.n.a. with you for real. break her dog. get her into it and let her know whats really going on. be very direct. nice and respectful but direct. and be confident and cool..women can smell weakness and if you stutter or if you punk out she will be like yeah right weakling. you really got nothing to lose. just handle your business.

Answer #37

ive been in a celibate marriage for 19 years after having sex with my husband twice during a yearlong courtship.. he has never wanted to make love since we got married. i trried everything to put lovemaking back in our lifei gotta tell you it never improves but once you have children your pretty well stuck until they are grown. find someone else if you possibly can because this is heatbreaking

Answer #38

I am in exactly the same situation as you my friend. I am 34,attractive fit and healthy and have a great life in every other way. My boyfriend of 18 months proposed to me a year ago and we are planning on marriage next summer. Thing is, our sex life is almost non existent and if Im lucky, he mounts me once a fornight for five minutes, rolls of then goes to sleep leaving me completely unsatisfied. This has been the case from day one. There has never been any passionate ‘at it like rabbits’ period in our relationship.We never talk about sex, joke about sex, he never touches me outside of our 5 minute fumble. He has never asked me what turns me on, how I like it or even if I like what he does. Sex is a taboo for us. So why have I put up with this. Well firstly, I just thought that he was a gentleman and didn’t want to rush our phyisical relationship. After 2 months, I confronted him with the issue and have found myself bringing it up every 8 weeks or so. He has given me these excuses so far: He’s tired (even at weekends and when we went on holiday to the Algarve for a week - never laid a finger on me.)He doesn’t like condoms (I went on the pill) Im too noisy during sex (Im now silent) Im too hairy! (I shave EVERYTHING now every day) He feels that he cant satisfy me (he’s never tried)He wasn’t raised that way (well my parents didn’t teach me how to be a good lover either)I put pressure on him (I actually have kept my mouth shut about it for the majority of our relationship). I have brought hundreds of pounds worth of sexy underwear, suggested ordering porn of his choice, getting drunk and seducing him (he told me to go to bed and sleep it off.)pretending not to be interested (he didnt notice)striptease and even suggested swinging. (he just presumed that i wanted to sleep with other men - I didnt then but Im so frustrated, i do now!) All of these excuses kept me from addressing the issue and I blamed myself. I now feel unatractive and insecure and never make a move on him as he has knocked me back once too often. After 18months of excuses and no change I have begun to lose patience. this morning we had a row when I cuddled up to him in bed and he pushed me away - the final insult. I told him that I was tired of it and asked him to leave and to be honest, I feel relieved and dont want him back as much as I adore him. The only way I would consisder taking him back would be if he sought proffesional guidance. If he can’t be bothered to make that call then I cant be bothered to put up with this crap. My advice to you is to suggest the same. I know what your going through. it dominates your thoughts and strips your self confidence. Just remember that it is Her problem, not yours and until she is prepared to do something about it, hold off the wedding - you will be making the biggest mistake of your life. Good luck. x

Answer #39

If sex is not important to her she has to understand and accept that you will find an other girl who also lives in a sexless relationship, so you two can satisfy each other sexually, then go back to the sexless partner for other emotional satisfaction. Not you will be the first who solves this problem this way.

Answer #40

If she is only your girlfriend move on Buddy. Do not make the mistake of marriage, expecting it to go away…It does not work that way…Women change I dos into I don’ts

Answer #41

Dude, seriously. If she is not putting out, don&#039;t put up w/ her. I know you love her, but if there is no sex involved, then you&#039;re &quot;just friends.&quot; You have no business marrying her. Secondly, if she is &quot;not interested&quot; in sex, then there is something wrong w/ her and she should seek counselling. EVERYBODY LIKES SEX…if they are doing it correctly. Perhaps she&#039;s never been satisfied?

I was in a similar situation. I was living w/ a girl for several years and after a while the sex just disappeared. After living together for nearly 3 years, we split up because she decided to try dating women for a while. If there is no sex involved, then I see no point in getting married to someone. No one is above those basic human needs or desires.

Move on, man. There are tons of horny women out there. Since that girl and I broke up, I suddenly discovered how much fun sex can be. I am single, 33 and loving life. There are too many women out there and I don&#039;t know if I can ever settle down with a girl that is not going to satisfy me in every way. Don&#039;t settle!

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