What do you think of my poem its about being good enough?

Down, Down to the ground I’m hurting myself, I’m hurting the ones that do care, Which I didn’t mean too.

Why should I please everyone else When they don’t even try to please me Its not always about everyone elses happiness Its time for me to be happy.

Its making me miserable They don’t care, so why should I I should be busy being happy with the people that already care.

I should be happy with the ones that already appreciate me for me instead of the ones that are to stubborn to the ones that will probably never care..

I’m hurting myself I’m hurting the ones that do care Just beacause I try to make everyone happy Well it’s impossible.

Why should I try to be prefect they dont even try at all they hurt me over and over and thats why I always fall.

Answer #1

First and foremost, you’re forgetting some very basic rules of spelling and punctuation. Secondly, there’s a way to do the unrhymed quatrain, and, as it was the last verse form I was passionate about before I stopped writing, I have some very strong ideas about it. If you are going to use a set number of lines in a free verse poem (which can be extraordinarily effective), you should shoot for something distinctive; a sense of sound, a sense of cadence or rhythm. Read this stanza out loud:

we were martyrs, you and I, faceless mortals fearing judgment, hell-fire spat us out like ice, we burned because we could not die.

There is a strong trochaic metre (first syllable stressed), in a iambic quadrametre (four beats, or ‘feet’ ((iambs))). Basically, this means there are four (quadrametre) stresses in each line, and the stress comes at the beginning of the syllable (trochaic). The first and last lines are sound-rhymed, but the verse would work just as well if they didn’t. For example:

we were martyrs, you and I, faceless mortals fearing judgment, hell-fire spat us out like ice, we burned because we could not drown.

There is still the strong sense of rhythm. That’s one way to bring your poem together. Another couple of ways to use sound are consonance, assonance, and alliteration. Consonance is to end a word in the same consonant. (Example: ‘night’ and ‘boat.’). Assonance is to use the same vowel sounds in words, like ‘boat’ and ‘flown.’ And alliteration is probably the easiest to use, that is, using the same sound at the beginning of words. There are a couple examples in the above stanza: ‘we were,’ ‘faceless (mortals) fearing,’ and ‘burned because.’ Using words beginning with vowels also creates a sound something like alliteration, similar but different, as in ‘Us Out (like) Ice.’ I realise there’s a fair deal of technical jargon that I just used, and it can seem overwhelming, even though these are very basic elements of sound that I’ve written about very briefly. Probably the first impulse you’ll have is to be offended and think ‘well, I’m not a professional poet, nor am I trying to be perfect,’ or ‘you sound like Simon Cowell, get off my back, you random shrew.’ No one’s perfect, no poetry is perfect. It has its strong lines and its weak lines, but if you’re going to do something you’re passionate about, you should be passionate about improving the manner in which you do it. Right now your poetry has the force of feeling behind it, but little to no skill or shape in how you direct it. Keep in mind that I’m not attacking you or your personality, or even the content of your poetry. If you’re really interested in writing poetry, you must have enough self-respect to improve yourself, or you’ll end up writing a few standard adolescent angst poems with no structure or skill.

Answer #2

I agree with madifranks :)

Answer #3

I think you should make it in more of a poetic form. like not rhyming, but it seems like theyre sentences right now just split in half. but otherwise its good! :)

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