What.. I just wrote this yesterday, what do yall think (Its long)?

Im With You..

  Me and my Momma were in a different town, about fifty minutes away from home, visiting one of her friends from work. I was dragged by my ears, so it seemed. I didn't want to be there.. Its not like it was MY friend. So, why should I have to sit there, bored as h*ll!?
  I had my music on, but not loud. Every time I turned it up she told me it was to loud and I was going to hurt my ears. It p*ssed me off so bad that I had to be there in the first place, now she was telling me how to listen to my music. So, I stood up and started walking to the door while saying "I'm leaving, be back in a couple hours." And before she could say anything, I slammed the door behind me. 
  On my walk, I had my head phones blasting as loud as they could go, listening to Eminem's "Till I Collapse". His voice calms me like it always does. All I have to do is listen for seconds and my mood is brought up. His voice is like a drug.. Its addicting because it works. 
  I walk a couple of miles down a slow high-way until my feet slam to a halt. From across the road, I see Adams hat laying on the curb. The hat is red and white with shoes as the pattern. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I run to the other side of the road and drop on my knees, picking up his hat. I look around me, confused. Then I look to my right where the railing of the road is. I jump to my feet to look over the ledge. And just as I feared.. There he was, sprawled on the ground. 
  Now my adrenaline is pumping so fast, I'm getting dizzy. I start running around the railing till I find a spot to jump down. Once my feet hit the dirt on the hill, I start falling until I hit the ground. I run to his side while my Ipod breaks loose, my head phones fall off my head and I drop the hat near his body so my hands are free. I take his head and rest it in my right arm while I stroke his cheek gently with my left hand.
  He is shot in the chest, blood spills everywhere. Tears start streaming from my eyes uncontrollably and I have to wipe them away to clear my vision. He looks up at me, barely breathing and says "Be careful, there near. I'm so sorry." I look into his eyes eagerly "No baby, its ok. ShhhShhShh, I'm here baby, I'm here." At that moment his body goes completely limp and my cry bursts out, almost in screams.
  I trust his words and believe they are near, but I don't care if they harm me. I want revenge. They took away the most important thing in my life. "They will not get away with this alive." I say to myself. I kiss him on the forehead and then on the lips gently and whisper in his ear that I love him and I take one more look into his beautiful eyes before I close them. After my vision is clear again I take his gun that has fallen with him and get up. I want revenge.
  I run around for about five minutes before I find the gang that have shot my love. I know who they are because he has shown me pictures. He told me to never go near them because they would kill me and then he would have to kill them and take his own life. Now, I think about that for awhile. How he would do that for me.. But would he want me to do that for him, or would he want me to be safe and return to my family to morn.. and move on. 
  That thought stuck me hard, I could never move on. Life will never be the same again. I thought about turning back and retrieving his body, but then I see the last image of him before I went to fine these guys. I see his beautiful deep gray eyes and rage travels throughout my body. I began to run nearer. I start shooting and instantly kill two of them before the rest hide behind brick walls and trees and start shooting back at me. 
  I tuck behind a wall that holds up a bridge for a moment, but I have no second thoughts. I start running around trying to get opportunities to shoot. I am only aiming for one place.. The head. His gun is a 9mm and hurts my wrists with every shot, but I don't care, I am doing this for him. One of the guys is looking around a wall that I have just walked around the other side of. He doesn't know I'm behind him, so I stop moving and stand there until he turns around and I shoot him in the face. 
  The shot was heard and they now know where I am. I have to think about this carefully. I look around and notice that there are three brick walls near each other, also with trees nearby each of them. I dodge bullets as I run to those walls to hide myself. I start sneaking around until my set of eyes meat another. He shoots only seconds before me and hits me on my upper left arm. Luckily my shot was better.. I shot him near his collar bone and again in the chest. I take his gun and put my loves in the waist of my pants, this guys gun has more bullets, and there is still one to shoot.
  I look all around me, but then I see him, starring at me. He stairs strait in my eyes and says "Well well well.. You do know your going to have to pay for this right?" I stair back and speak "The only one needing to pay is you" and I take a shot. I miss. I run to take cover but he is no wear near giving up. He finds where I ran by following the blood trail and shoots me in the left leg once, and gives my arm another whole. 
  I'm so dizzy, everything is becoming a blur.. But I refuse to give up. I scream at the top of my lungs "ADAM!!!" and shoot the b*stered in his face before he could even flinch. He falls to the ground just feet away from me and I cant help but to cry. I am in so much pain, both physicaly and emotionaly, but I cant stop now. I force myself to get up and limp my way back to Adam.. I need him whether he is alive or not. I need to feel his skin, to smell his limp body.. I get there in a few minutes, knowing where I'm going this time and drop my body at his side. I crawl a little closer while I start to bawl and grab a bunch of his shirt in my fist and start to scream. I hit his chest repeatedly while screaming, telling him to wake up. I tell him over and over again that I need him, I need him here with me.
  After a while of creaming and sobbing, I bury my face into his chest and sing him a lullaby. My voice comes out in cracks but I keep singing. Soon I realized that I couldn't handle that anymore.. I couldn't handle being alive while he is no longer. The only way I will truly be with him again is if I go with him.. I have no other choice. I kiss his lips gently just once more, leaving blood behind, and I take his gun in my hands for the last time. I put my left arm around his body while leaning over him and I aim the gun to my head. I tell him I love him and I pull the trigger. My body goes limp, my arm around him, and my head on his chest. 
  I open my eyes from the darkness and look at myself. There's no blood, no pain, not even a single speck of dirt. I then look up and see him. I see Adam, just as clean as myself. No bullet holes, no limp body. 
  He Looks at me calmly, with those gorgeous eyes I never thought Id see again and asks "Why?" I reply while taking his hand "..I'm with you" And we walk together, hand in hand, into the bright light. Where we will be together forever.

Ema - Feb. 2nd, 2010

Answer #1

Thanks for reading this. And I meant to keep allot of the sentences short. What I hear in my head is what I write down. Lacking descriptive? Everyone else who talked to me about it said it was very descriptive…

Answer #2

Cute story, but it’s difficult to read.

The sentences are choppy, it’s seriously lacking descriptive, and there’s not enough proper punctuation.

Answer #3


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