What do you think of the first part of my story?

Ok so my story is about a girl who must find her true identity as the princess of the moon and save the world. This is just the beginning.

Ah! I just love the feel of the refreshing water on my skin. I swam around doing some dolphin kicks, flipping, and having fun. I was swimming until my lungs were killing me, forcing me to take a breath. I pushed my arms down and kicked my legs to get to the surface. I broke through the surface and took deep breaths. I looked out across the water and saw a perfect sun set. It was beautiful; it had wonderful shades of red, orange, and purple.
It looked like 5: 30. Man soccer in 30. I would much rather do swim team but it is not the season so my mom singed me up for soccer. I know that I have to go but I just love to swim. I feel like the water is a part of me and when I have to get out part of me stays there. I know sounds crazy, but it’s true. I have always loved to swim, I learned at three, and at 7 I was already setting records on swim team. I dived into the water halfhearted and swam to the shore.
I got to the shore and quickly spot my orange towel with the little blue fishes. My mom bought it for me a couple months ago when my old one ripped. I was thinking more like a blue towel with stripes, but no I have to be the 16year-old with a kiddy towel. I got out of the water and quickly found out that it was windy. Great! I thought I’m going to be freezing. Getting goose-bumps already. Aw man! I forgot my sweats too!
I ran to my towel and wrapped it around me as fast as I could. I was thinking I forgot something when someone’s arms flew around me.
“Mona, I was so worried about you!” I person said. I knew I forgot something! I forgot I came with my friends. They usually don’t come, but they did this time. “I was about to call the police.” I turned around to see who it was, though it was pretty hard with the death grip she was giving me.
Of course it was Amy, she always got worried easily. That is just the usual Amy.
“I’m so sorry! I totally forgot. I get really consumed in swimming.” Which is happens a lot. Sometimes I swim until 10 without knowing it!
“I’m just glad I found you! It’s almost 5:45!” Oh no Later than I thought. Amy turned and cupped her hands to her mouth. Oh no! I tried to cover my ears but it was too late. “Guys! I found her! Were over here!” She had to loudest voice of anyone I know, I don’t know why she has to try to make it louder by cupping her hands together.
I spotted the others on their way over here. It wasn’t too hard Mel, Lizzy, Diana, and I hang out every day that we can. My eyes are just used to spotting them. I bet I could pick them out, while in a helicopter, in a crowd of 100 people. When they got over here Diana was the first to talk.
“I tried to contact you. Didn’t you get any of my texts?” I got out my phone and sure enough I have five texts waiting for me.
“Sorry no, I just got to my towel. I’m so sorry that you had to look for me.” I felt really bad that I kept them waiting for me.
“It’s ok, but we need to be leaving if we want to be there somewhat on time.” Diana hated being late. She would do the impossible to not be late.
“I’m sorry I made you wait for me, but do you mind going without me?” I didn’t feel like going today, well every day. Soccer ball isn’t my thing. I’d much rather be swimming. Plus I’m not too good at soccer. I’m usually on the bench, so I don’t think I would miss much if I skipped today.
“You got to go! The coach said anyone that doesn’t make a practice that’s not sick, or had family matters are going to be benched for the next game!” Mel said sounding like she was about to have a heart attack. She loves sports and doesn’t want anything between her and her sporting career.
“I’m willing to take that risk. Also I don’t think it will matter ‘cause I’m going to be benched anyway.”
“Are you sure?” said Diana not trying too hard because she just wants to get to practice on time.
“Yeah I have a lot of homework that I need to do.”
“Ok. Well, see you later”
“Later!” I said waving.
I watched them leave. I wished they liked swimming like me. It would be really fun to go swimming with them every day, but they are more into soccer. I don’t get it. What’s so fun about that? There are people running kicking a ball and trying to get a goal. Boring!
I saw something out of the corner of my eye when my friends were out of site. I looked closer and new exactly who it was. It is the same guy I have caught staring at me for two weeks. I grabbed my things and ran until I got to my bike. I looked for my sweats and then remembered I forgot them. I threw my towel in my bag hopped on my bike and raced home, peddling as fast as I could.

It was a relief when I got home. I ran to my room dumped my stuff in there and got a fresh towel. I ran out to my backyard, to my wonderful pool! It was beautiful. There was a full moon out and it reflected beautifully against my pool. My favorite type of swim was a moon lit swim. I love when the moon is out, it makes me feel happy. I swam for 2 hours. I dried off and went inside.

2 answers

Recent Questions Art, Writing & Literature  Add Answer


ANSWER #1 of 2

I think you shouldnt've posted it up here.

People can copy it.


ANSWER #2 of 2

Pretty good,
But one thing,
"I" is repeated WAY too much.
Change that and it will be awesome!

This is the whole story

Add your answer to this list


SIMILAR QUESTIONS