What do you think of this part of my story?

Here is a little bit of the story I am writing. Let me know what you think. Its just a rough draft, not official yet.

The fog was low to the ground, creating a fuzzy blanket over the green field. The sun was just about to come up, and the air smelt of dew and fresh pine. My breath fogged up the window and a tear slid down my cheek. I couldn’t seem to process the words he spoke to me. I knew he didn’t mean them, he couldn’t mean them. He loved me, he wouldn’t kill himself just because he made a mistake. I could not stop him, though I tried. He was gone, gone for good. I walked outside in his t shirt and shorts. I walked in barefeet, it felt cold against the wet grass. I paid no attention, I couldn’t feel anything. My body was numb. I loved him, I loved grant. I wanted him forever all to myself, no matter what had happened in his past. I wanted him for him. Forever. I walked to the center of the field and couldn’t see anything past the fog. I fell to the ground and did not even feel the fall. Again, I was numb. My fingers were cold, but they were clenched to his t-shirt on my back, the only thing I had left of him. I wondered how he did it; how he killed himself. I shuddered in terror. Where was he right now? I hope he didn’t suffer and he just did it quick. I wondered if he was thinking of me, if he was ok. I shifted my body to a more comfortable position. This field, this field had to many memories. Everywhere I went I thought of him. There was no way I could get him out of my head. He was dead, gone, gone for good and forever. I began to cry. I heard something in the grass moving towards me, but I was to numb and frozen to the ground to move. I didn’t care if whatever it was hurt me, maybe it would take me to where ever grant was. Then we could be together, I smiled. We’d be together. The sun was shining through the clouds weakly, the fog was still there. I could not see anything, if my eyes were closed I didn’t notice, I saw nothing either way. The sounds got closer to me, it was something, something shuffling its way through the fall grass. I held onto his t-shirt tighter, waiting to leave this world and go to where ever grant was. I prayed that this thing coming at me would kill me already, what was taking it so long? Just then I saw a figure towering over me, a human figure. I couldn’t quite make out who it was through the fog until it knelt down beside me and whispered my name. “lena.” it spoke. No! No there was no way! He was dead, grant was dead, how was he standing right in front of me saying my name? Maybe I was dead? I didn’t care, I grabbed his perfect face with my frozen hands and kissed his lips. His face felt alive, I did not know what was going on but I wasn’t going to miss a chance to kiss him. I pulled away and tried to catch my breath. “I thought you were-“ “dead?” he finished my sentence. I nodded. He touched my lips with his hands and my whole body got hot, warm and he melted me, melted my frozen fingers. “I wouldn’t do that now -“ he paused. “now that I have something to live for.

This is just a rough draft of a part of the story, I had a lot of different ideas and I just wanted to know what you thought of this part. I can handle the truth, because I want to know how to make it better. Please and thank you :]

Answer #1

Is this the beginning of the story?

You have good suspense built up, and your story makes the reader want to keep reading.

My advice - check your grammar and sentence structure, as well as redundancy, and perhaps you can go into a little more character depth…describe the girl, her looks, her personality…etc

Answer #2

it was really long so I just kinda skimmed it but the parts that I did read were actually really good. wow, nice work I dont think you should change it at all!

Answer #3

it was pretty long..but good…check your grammar and structure…I like it…and I hope theres more to come…

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