What do you think about my story? (advice please)

Hey what ya think about my story It is placed in ancaine greece. Here it is:)

In the trochen hourse Oddyseus could hear movment from outside. He worrys of being found. I know it is going to take a lot of hardiness to conquer Troy thinks Oddyseus. We have been in war for 10 years and I have not seen my son Telemachus or my wife Pelelope. Oddyseus ponders the thought that he was not their for Telemachus, growing up without his dad for 10 years! Then Oddeseus ponders another thing while thinking about Ponelope,Helen, Helen the dignitary, butifal girl who evryone wanted to marrie. But Paris, the son of angus, won the priz. Paris had won the prize of Helen! If I could not have Helen at least I got her sisster, Poneleope equally as pretty and dignitary as Helen. Then training in mid thought oddyseus looks to see serpents draging a king. These 10 years watching my friends die then hearing sombody yell out to see who takes the dead persons armore. One of Oddyseus best friends of the clan had died and his armore was given to him. Suddenly Oddyseus feels the trochen hourse leap to a start I knew I was being taken to Troy. Athena,the goddes of wisdom also knowen as the gray eye goddes, watches over Oddyseus. Then Oddyseus hears yelling from a wild women yelling no no no!! The trochen hourse goes to the gates in the darkness slowly. Then greek soldores walk across the plane. Oddyseus gets out of the trochen hourse and starts to walk into the darkness. He is apt to hear fires and screaming people anytime soon, that is exsacly what happened. oddyseus a short while later saw and heard people being killed in their sleep, children being chassed and fires sarunding him. Oddyseus and his clan walked toward the black healed ship. They left Asia Minor in flames. The war was over and now the crew could go home. When Oddyseus arrived to the shipe saw evrything his clan needed for a 2 week jurney home after ten years. Oddyseus saw bags of wine and sheep evrywhere. Then a while later after ariving at the ship one of his men walk up to him and askes oddyseus somthing. In a hesitent voice the man asked if they could go rading. If we go we will have spon gold the man had said, we could rade in Ismaraus. oddyseus evan thouh he did not wish to go said yes to the proposition. So they started north toward Ismaraaus.

Tell me if ya want day 2. Day 2 is way better and 3 is evan better! Out of the 5 I have already written for school I like num 3 the best.

Answer #1

You handed this in to school? Unedited? My teacher would have ripped me apart. I spell the word beautiful wrong and she made me write it out a thousand times.

Ok, if you want a critique, use spell check, dignitary is a noun, not an adjective, stop using “big” words, you seem to throw them in randomly when they really arent necessary and not correctly used anyways, try to stick to a tense, you go back and forth, this sentence makes no sense “Then training, in mid thought, Odysseus looks to see serpents dragging a king. These 10 years watching my friends die then hearing somebody yell out to see who takes the dead persons armor. “

and here, I’ve tried to make it a little more readable (spelling and punctuation wise, it isnt complete, but overall…)

In the Trojan horse Odysseus could hear movement from the outside. He worries about being found. “I know it is going to take a lot of hardiness to conquer Troy” thinks Odysseus. “We have been at war for 10 years and I have not seen my son Telemachus or my wife Penelope”. Odysseus ponders that he was not there for Telemachus, who grew up without his dad for 10 years! Then Odysseus ponders another thing while thinking about Penelope, Helen; the dignified, beautiful girl who everyone wanted to marry. But Paris, the son of Angus, won the prize. Paris had won the prize of Helen! “If I could not have Helen at least I got her sister, Penelope; equally as pretty and dignified as Helen”. Then training, in mid thought, Odysseus looks to see serpents dragging a king. These 10 years watching my friends die then hearing somebody yell out to see who takes the dead persons armor. One of Odysseus best friends in the clan had died and his armor was given to him. Suddenly Odysseus feels the Trojan horse leap to a start. “I knew I was being taken to Troy”. Athena, the goddess of wisdom also known as the gray eyed goddess, watches over Odysseus. Then Odysseus hears yelling from a wild woman yelling no no no!! The Trojan horse goes to the gates in the darkness slowly. Then Greek soldiers walk across the plane. Odysseus gets out of the Trojan horse and starts to walk into the darkness. He is apt to hear fires and screaming people anytime soon, that is exactly what happened. Odysseus, a short while later, saw and heard people being killed in their sleep; children being chased, and fires surrounding him. Odysseus and his clan walked toward the black healed ship. They left Asia Minor in flames. The war was over and now the crew could go home. When Odysseus arrived to the ship, he saw everything his clan needed for a 2 week journey home after ten years. Odysseus saw bags of wine and sheep everywhere. Then a while later after arriving at the ship, one of his men walks up to him and asks Odysseus something. In a hesitant voice the man asks if they could go raiding. “If we go we will have spun gold” the man had said, we could ride in Ismaraaus. Odysseus, even though he did not wish to go, said yes to the proposition. So they started north toward Ismaraaus.

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