Funadvice Logo
Post
More Art, Writing & Literature Questions

Advice on how to make this better please!!

Once More

I held you close before

But that was when we were more

You had to go and brake my heart

Thats what torn us both apart

You said you just wanted to be friends

But we both know how the story ends

You go threw my mind each passing day

As my own personal punishment in some way

All my memorizes keep flooding in

Wondering what we could have been

As I hide my face behind a mask

My life moves by all at once way to fast

It’s time to get over it

As the candle in my life is once more lit

Become an Expert →
Answer #1

.Thats what torn us both apart

maybe put

That what tears us both apart

.You said you just wanted to be friends

maybe put

you said you wanted to just be friends

main problem here is the order of wording that disrupts the flow and rhythem of the poem

Answer #2

you spelled threw the wrong way in the eighth line; it’s “through”. and it’s “memories” in the tenth. that’s all for the spelling. also, try using more descriptive terms.

Answer #3

That is what tore us apart. You go through my mind every day. All my memories keep flooding in.

Good, Use descriptions; It doesn’t HAVE to rhyme every line.

Merry Christmas! and Happy Holidays!

Answer #4

No it doesn’t have to rhyme but it is good to keep a rhyme scheme hmm check out cradle of filths nymphetamine, they don’t rhyme every time but when they don’t rhyme they’re still keeping to the rhyme scheme kinda like abcabd cd don’t rhyme but it’s not some random line that doesn’t rhymoe or go with the song no offence mesinger, but keep tp what you’re good at giving advice too 1_~

Answer #5

yeah I can actually post on the question ^_^ lol

More Like This
Ask an advisor one-on-one!
Advisor

Poems Please

Literature, Arts & Humanities, Education

Advisor

Shree Creators Model Making C...

art, craft

Advisor

Interior Jumbo

Interior designers in Chennai

Advisor

Shopnobilap

Literature, Online Publishing, Community

Advisor

Kyle Derek Ervin's Story

Books, Faith and Spirituality, Personal Development