When will I ever get over the stuff which ruined my past?

I was never a pretty kid and experienced rejection and some bullying at school. My parents were deeply discouraging of me having any boyfriends anyway so it wouldn’t have helped if I had had any male attention. I developed physically later than most of the other girls which led to more taunting. There was never anyone to talk to about how all this made me feel. Not my parents (who had their own problems). A teacher took advantage of me in various ways, which panned out to be ultimately destructive (I confronted this person later on as an adult and I guess I had an apology which resolved things somewhat). I left home at the earliest opportunity as a teenager but was racked by eating disorders and other problems for several years. I never thought I would ever have a boyfriend. I had a few one-night stands but none of the guys were interested in anything more and this had a very bad effect on my body image and eating habits. I actually got over the anorexia and it hasn’t followed me into adulthood. I know I am lucky in this. I enjoy running and swimming I guess so that has helped to stabilise me. When I eventually thought I had found love I was about 24. I knew the guy for a about a year and then we started a relationship and got married. He was completely wrong for me however and things got very bad. He was violent and abused alcohol, he didn’t work or do anything in the home. I stayed in the relationship for about 3 years until every shred if my original feelings for him just died and I left. Leaving him was one of the happiest moments of my life. Unfortunately my freedom was shirt-lived. I became caught up with another guy who exploited me and abused me. I had my head screwed on more that time and concentrated more on trying to crawl up out of the gutter I had fallen into. He was very dangerous however and he called me ugly. We stopped having any kind of sex life and he said he wasn’t attracted to me. This was a bitter blow after all the things that had already happened in my life to make me feel ugly. I think I hung onto him to get some kind of affirmation but eventually I quit. I took about 3 - 4 years of it and then felt that I deserved better. I was two years on my own after that. I had a few very short-lived encounters with men. They were never interested in forming a relationship with me. I was very busy studying and trying then anyway to try and improve my life. I met a much younger guy and he was very romantic and adoring for a few years but while I was abroad studying for a short period he just suddenly ended the relationship and said he didn’t love me anymore. No reason given. He just said he woke up one day and his feelings had changed. I was devastaed because I had been so wary and he had tried so hard to win my trust and then he just discarded me when it was no longer convenient for him. He just quit my life for good after telling me that I ever left him he would end his life. I took me a long time to get over this and it happened while I was doing my final exams and projects for university. After that, I did meet other men. Some just wanted to sleep with me and that’s it, they weren’t interested in me or anything else. I was with a guy for three years till I moved abroad over a year ago but he constantly caused problems with possessiveness. We were from different worlds and I think he felt excluded because I had studied and changed my life as an adult and wanted to travel and do lots of things he was either not interested in or unable to do. I left the UK because if crushing financial problems and got a good job abroad . I am still here, aged 43 now. I have been in a relationship with another guy for nearly a year but I am suffering emotionally. He is very loving and I am crazy about him but a lot of the time I feel upset because of all the stuff that comes to the surface. I kept my last boyfriend at arm’s length but I am in love with this one. I feel ugly and that I am not good enough for him. I am afraid that he will change suddenly or just phone me up one day and says he doesn’t feel the same any more. I have talked to him about this a lot but I can’t resolve it no matter what. I am afraid that I won’t get over my problems and I will just drive him away or leave to stop the torture. It’s also too late now for me to have children and this makes me very sad because I have missed this chance. I finally found love but too late to have a normal marriage. He already has kids with someone else which just adds to my grief. The curse on this are of my life just doesn’t ever give up. If I ahd been a more attractive appealing woamn when I was younger I wouldn’t have these issue but in the end what you look like seems to really decide your future if you are a women.