How can I get over the past?

First of all, I would like to start off with my fiancée’s past, which will all make sense later. Tim got married to a woman who had just had a baby with another man. Tim took full responsibility for the boy and adopted him. Six years later, Tim and his wife had another baby. He and his ex wife were together for 12 years and during the time that they were married he had another baby with a different girl. After talking to his ex, I know that he cheated on her the whole time they were together and even while she was pregnant.

Tim finally got divorced in Dec. of this year. We met in March of this year at a casino. He was straight up with me about having been married and having kids. Also, during this time, I was with my boyfriend of 4 years and we were living together. I was honest about everything to him and after having met him; I broke it off with my ex and moved back in with my parents.

Tim and I hit it off at the start. He told me that I was the only one that he was dating and that he would never think about looking elsewhere. During this time, he was traveling back and forth to Mexico on business.

Sometime at the end of April, I decided to come and stay with Tim for a week (he lives in Missouri and I live in Tennessee). During this time, I got close to his kids. One day his daughter asked me to come swimming at her house (which is only three houses down the street and is also weird if you ask me). To my surprise, her mother was in the pool (Tim’s ex wife). We started talking to break the weird silence and she seemed really cool. After swimming, she invited me to come eat with her and her daughter (Tim worked nights that week). Honestly, I thought that it would be a little weird but something told me to go.

While during to dinner, she asked me what had happened to Karina? I told her that I did not know who Karina was and she looked at me weird as if I should know. Finally, I got it out of her that Tim and Karina were engaged and Tim had told me nothing about it. During this dinner, I also found out that a week before I came there was another girl saying at his house for an entire week and also that he had brought home some girl from a bar to stay the night when his kids were there. So, as far as I know he was with three other girls during the same time that he was with me and all in a short period of time and that is just what I know of (later he admitted that he had sex with all of them while we were dating).

After dinner, I decided to do some investigating for myself, especially knowing how he treated other girls in his past. After finally figuring out his email password, I found that he and Karina were still engaged and he had been writing her every morning before coming and getting in the bed with me. I called Tim and the “sh*t hit the fan.” As bad as it was, I had no car there and was three hours away from home out in the middle of nowhere.

Shortly after confronting him, he took off work and came home. Of course, he was crying and saying everything that he needed to say to make me believe that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he was going to break it off with her. Come to find out he started dating Karina while doing his work trips to Mexico and they had been dating for over a year…remind you that he only got divorced and moved out of his ex wife’s house in Dec.

Since I found out, Tim has been nothing but the best boyfriend to me. To make sure that he was not lying he called her on speakerphone and told her it was over and that he had found the “love of his life.” I do not think that he realizes how bad this hurt me. I knew the very first time I met him that there was something there and I was crushed to have found this out.

On June 30th, Tim and I got engaged. He has been the best to me since then and I fell like I am a princess when I am with him. Since then we have also been together almost everyday.

My problem is that I can not get over what happened. Every little thing makes me think about it. I am so scared that he is going to do the same thing to me that he has done to every other girl. Also what hurts so bad is when I read his emails he had said the same thing to Karina that he says to me everyday. Example: “I love you more than life itself,” “The happiest day of my life will be when you become my wife,” “I have never been this happy,” “Your all I need,” etc.

He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how I am his soul-mate. I want to believe him but it is so hard. We get into fights all the time over what happened and I throw it up in his face all the time. I get so mad that I even use words like dirty Mexican and that he makes me sick to know that he has been with a Mexican and how disgusting he is to have “went there” with a Mexican. I don’t want to get into the whole race subject, but I do not feel as though races should mix. Don’t get me wrong, I am not racist (I just got my Master’s in Social Work and one of my best friends is black and two are Puerto Rican). I think that I just say those things to hurt him like he hurt me. Also, I guess that I have different values and morals when it comes to the whole mixing races thing and about being faithful. I know that this whole situation brings out the worst in me and I say things that I would never say otherwise. When I get married, I want to be in it for life and believe in faithfulness. I don’t want to go through life having to worry about my husband cheating on me or having to go through his emails and look over his back.

I want to forget what happened and move on with our relationship. Well maybe not forget, but not throw it up in his face all the time so we can move on. I don’t know how to get through this or if I ever can. Do you think this can work or do you think that there is too much doubt and damage? Please give me so advice to what I can do.