What should you do when you feel like your mum hates you?

My dad left about 18 months ago, and occasionally I think my mum blames me for it… They dont get along anymore and I get stuck in the middle. Today for example was forcast 4inches of snow, and I didnt want my dad coming 30 miles to come see me, get stuck and not be able to get back home (and there is NO WAY ON HELLS EARTH he would be able to crash at mine for the night)and my mum cared more about the fact I wasnt seeing him more than I did.

Mum constantly undermines my opinion, is hypocritical, depressing, and CONTINUALLY sucking away at my self confidence. I NEVER wear the right clothes, a comment is ALWAYS made before I leave the house. I get blackmailed into doing what she wants me to do when I have to make a decision. She never listens to me. She tells me about the job and pretty much life that she hates, and I dont know what to do about it. She told me yesterday, the highlight of her week this week is going to her friends funeral. When I do try to do something nice for her it’s not good enough. She’s been asking about going to see a theatre show at my boyfriend’s college, and told her the only day we could probably really go is Thursday, at which point I find out she’s going out to see her friends from Canada who are back for the funeral.

I havent ever been hit by my mum but I’m scared she will whenever we have arguments, she’s hit walls instead of me before (and even that was my fault… go figure)

People tell me it is just because I’m a teenager and they dont get on with their parents, but it’s always been like this. I’ve wanted to move out. Last Christmas I packed a bag at 2am 24th DEC to walk to my friends house 3 miles away because I couldnt be around her anymore. She had my brother watch me for the rest of the night to make sure I didnt leave… This year we had a HUGE argument at my uncles house on christmas day with all of her side of the family who live in the country.

She wants me to see my dad and my boyfriend, but when I get back from seeing them I only ever get sarcastic comments, and then feel guilty for going out and having fun when she’s been at home alone all night.

I really dont know what I am meant to do. My brother has also recently moved into his new girlfriend (2/3 months) house, leaving it to just be me and my mum at home, and also making it essentially impossible for me to move out, as I will be seen as an utter B*TCH to my family if I now leave her on her own. Although I probably already am having had the massive argument round my uncles house christmas day…

I turn to alcohol when I can on nights out and parties to block out the pain she causes, although I do tend to do this less now… I have been about [—] this close to cutting myself before now, but I know it’s just stupid.

I cant talk to her. I can’t talk to my dad. I can’t talk to my brother. I dont want to pressure my boyfriend with all my problems. He has Asperger’s and depression, and has cut himself, and I fear that telling him all of this will make him do it again. I keep all of this to myself at school, although they originally ‘suggested’ I talk to someone at school when dad first left (who also didn’t listen, patronised me, and left me feeling more frustrated after seeing her, and not enjoying the feeling of walking around a school I had newly joined after having just cried)

I sometimes think my mum tries to make me into the perfect daughter she thinks she could have had, miscarriging between me and my older brother.

I really dont know what to do anymore. I can’t just leave her, but I dont see anyway either of us can change.