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Should I confess?

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Ok I've had this thing going on between me and my mum bt I never thought it as a problem, but I got thinking, why am I afraid to tell anything to my mum, that the fact that I came out of her...

It's been so hard for me to share anything with my mum, because when I was abwt 3 we got poor and my mum had loads of loans that she couldnt pay off, so when I was about 4-5 years old my mum left, to go to abroad and find work for the family, because I av 4 brothers and 1 sister and im the youngest one in the family and that count as 6 over all children. Me and my mum always had an arguement since I can remember and before she was leaving I was soo happy that I don't av to cry and feel unloved anymore by my own mum, but I was wrong... few days after she left I missed her a lot and I cried myself to sleep all nite, just wanting to be with her and just wishing I could have told her I love her before she left, because I was still moody at her when she was saying bye and huggin every1 and when she came to kiss me goodbye I just ignored her and didnt want to see her or say anything, and I've regreted that.

Nobody look after me except my neighbour whos like my own mother and sister, my own sister and my gran, my dad was only home for a few days because he have to go off somewhere to find some money to feed us all. I remembered when we moved to a small flat, every1 was gone except me, I was all alone at the flat except our dog, that I went to my mums room and just laid in the bed remembering how she used 2 hugged me when we go to sleep, crying that I could av been a better daughter, I always thought she hates me and that she never wanted me because she always said she just found me in the fields and took me home, but now I knw that was a lie, bt then it rele hurt me.

Well I didn't see my mum till 5 years later when I was 9, my mum took me, my 2 brothers and my dad here in United Kingdom and all those years she was gone, im finally gna see her.

it didnt turned out the way I thought it would be, we both have our ups and down, I cried most of my nites to sleep and I still do, crying why she cant show me she loves me and why she loves my brother instead, I remember her saying to my brother

"I remember when I used to work in this place, and I had this costumer, who looked just like you, and at that moment I just missed you so much, that I wanted to see"

I heard her saying that to my brother, when I came down from my room and I just sat behind my mum and just thought, she never thought of me or missed me all of those years I thought of her and prayed that ill see her agen... then my mum noticed me that I was there and saw me looking sad so she sed

"oh you too" but I knew she didnt meant it

Until now we still av arguements, and im afraid to tell her anything because I dont think it would matter, as if anything about me ever did, she only cared about my brother, I tried doing things just to get her attention, bt she just nods and pay more attention to them than me, thats why im afraid, she always tells me off but if its anyone else she lets them... to be honest I dont rele know how it works, I never had the feeling of my own mum being there when I was a kid, I took care of myself, I learned how to wash myself, how to iron, how to cook, how to wash clothes and stuff without her being there, I learned how to take care of myself, but since I came here she treated me like I dont know anything, if it comes to the house she wants me to be just like my sister, whose responsible and cleans the house every 30 mins, but if it comes to having friends she thinks of me as a little girl she saw a few years ago, who doesn't know anything. . .

I actually feel a bit happy that shes worried about my safety but I just want to be like how its suppose to be, when I can tell her I love you with out feeling embaressed or scared or anything, I've been with her 4 6 years now and nothings happening...

Im even scared to tell her that I av a boyfriend now, and I loved him and I want her to meet him, and I dont even have the guts to, 2 years ago I planned on telling my mum about all of this what I have in my heart but I just cnt seem to let it out...

and im aving this troubles for a year now, on my 14th bday, my mum usuall cook something special or we go out 2 dinner, bt on my 14th bday she cooked, and we were just eating, and then my dad sed

"we shud just took a nite out, the food would taste better, look at that, it doesn't taste good!"

then they had a fight, an arguement, on my bday, I was just happy 2 celebrate it with them bt fighting in front of me in our dining table just, scarred me for my whole life, my older brother saw me nearly crying that he shouted that its my bday, they shudnt be even fighting, I appreciate that, bt just to think abwt it, it feels like I was never wanted in the family, they did hide me from the people when I was born because apparently I looked swollen and ugly that they hid me bt as I grew up, I was beautiful, bt they hid me and thats sumin a child dsnt want 2 knw...

a yr after my 14th bday, I was turning 15 and I just wished they wud forget its my bday so it wud be better off that they arnt plannin anything nice because they forgot than rememberin bt not plannin anything at all, at that day every1 was at different places, my older brother was in skwl, my other brother was out, my dad was at work and my mum stayed home and cooked 1 single meal [which I didnt like, because we had the same thing for a month bt I appreciated her cookin sumin] when my brother got home 4rm skwl, my mum went 2 sleep, when my dad went back home my mum went to work, and my 2 brothersjst stayed in their room, and I just had enough of it that I just went 2 my room and slept through my bday, so I dont av 2 deal with it anymore.

urghh just thought I wuld put this ere, thnks dealin wid my annoyin complaints... :S but if you av any advice on what I shud do I appreciate it, I was just wonderin if I shud tell my mum or not, that if im just over reacting, and being a baby with all of this stuff, bt anyways sorry thats its too long xD, well thnx for your help!