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Poem, please comment :)

I Think You’re Divine

Control seems so far away from me. Control is a need, control is a fantasy. I can’t shut you up, I can’t seem to drown you out. Smile for the camera, give us a pout. I’ve had too much, must go Crouch down, next to the toilet real low. Tiles are cold, water running. “having a wash”- oh so cunning. on my knee’s but I haven’t lost my keys, I hate you, but I have to say I think you’re divine. Your twisted words and f*cked up mind.

will I ever get what I came here for, do I even know what I came here for? …although I hate you. I think your divine.

thankyou!

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Answer #1

Yeah, it’s really good. I like the way you have to think about the meaning behind it. I think that it’s meant to be about a model…you’ve really made expressed the feelings that we don’t see beyond the camera!

Answer #2

I don’t think the word “keys’ was meant to be taken literally…it sounds to me like a vague method of stating the person has not yet lost her mind.

Answer #3

Pretty dark…I’m guessing it’s in the context of being a model dealing with ED?

It certainly speaks to the reader, the whole conflict of the love/hate relationship the person is experiencing within herself.

Answer #4

yeah I can see the metaphor about the keys, but I still dont’ think it fits… maybe something else instead of keys… I just don’t like the flow…

I see this a lot in poems… it flows pretty good and then they throw something in the middle that kinda takes away from it all.. it breaks the flow, or inhibits audience interpretation.

I mean if you’re already crouching over the toilet, you pretty much have lost all hope, so the keys bit is a lie.

A poem should focus on one thing. The keys bit takes away from that focus…

I do like the poem though.

Answer #5

I don’t like the bit about the keys.

The rest is good.

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