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What do you think of "you're so far"?

Ok I wrote a free verse poem called you’re so far…what do you think…im not sure I like it…

I’m watching it all, Like through a telescope. Everything is just so far away now, But I’m still hoping you’ll come back to see me

You are distant now, even the stars agree. If I tried to reach out for you hand, Then I would surely lose my own. I am over here and you are out there.

I hold my breath when the cars drive by, Glancing in basement windows for you, But you are no longer here, You have fallen into the sky.

You have flurried with the snow in the North, Have dusted with the grains of sand in the Desert, You have rippled with the waves in the Ocean, You have traveled and stayed in Natures hostel

You are not here, And I watch as though through a microscope, Everything about you is so close, But if I try to reach out I will lose my own hand

My eyes are sore from looking for you, And my hands are strained from prayer, I see you in everything, But you are too far to be a part of me now.

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Answer #1

I love the imagery and descriptive words you used! Try making them less like sentences, and more like phrases. Also shorten some things?

Example (from your poem) :

You flurried with the snow in the North, dusted with the grains of desert sand rippled with the ocean waves and traveled and stayed in Natures hotel.

That was one way of shortening that stanza. Another way…

You have flurried with the Northern snow, dusted with the sand of the desert, you rippled with waves of the ocean, traveled and stayed in Nature’s hotel.

You get the point… Try this idea here with a new poem instead of revising this one. I think it’d be easier to start from scratch.

Answer #2

tbh honest I don’t get poetry unlessi rhymes Guess thts why I am failing englsh

Answer #3

Wow. It’s awesome! You’ve definitely got some major talent.

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