Am I over-reacting and expecting too much or do you think I'm justified in wanting to end my relationship with my boyfriend?

I met a guy online. He seemed smart, nice, funny, and into me. I talked to him online for a while and we decided to meet in person. We went out to lunch and he surprised me with flowers. We made our relationship official at the end of the second date.

Some things just don’t seem right in the relationship and I feel like he doesn’t care about my needs. During my first phone conversation with him (before we met in person), he named 3 things as must-haves in a relationship. They were 1.) respect 2.) no craziness and 3.) sex. I told him I am a virgin and he said oral sex was fine until I was ready to have sex.

He is an optometrist resident and blames his residency on why I never see him. Sometimes, I go up to three weeks without seeing him. We’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend since February 15th, and I’ve seen him four times since then. He used to only email me or text me about once a week, with the occasional exception. When he does leave me texts or emails, they mostly either say, “miss you” or “hey sexy”.

I’m opposed to oral sex early in relationships, and I tried to explain that to him. He would just cut me off and say why I was wrong and he was right. He refused to cuddle with me because he said he’d get “blue balls”. He’d try to cuddle with me, and less twenty seconds after we’d get close, he’d whine ouch and move away.

I wanted to meet his needs, so I gave him oral sex on the third date. I feel like that was a mistake.

About six weeks ago, I tried to explain to him that I have needs too and want him to contact me more and that I want to see him more than once every few weeks. We live less than 30 minutes away from each other. He said he’d work on it and was just having a difficult time at work and with his family. I ask him about his family a lot, and he says he doesn’t want to burden me with it. After he promised to work on it, I didn’t hear from him for almost three weeks.

Last week, he called me and I told him we need to talk. I told him that I’m very unhappy. He accused me of “craziness” (one of the things he said he could not have in a relationship). After a long conversation, he promised that he’d contact me more and see me at least once a week. He’s contacted me every day this week (and one day, he emailed me twice!), but he ignored me asking about when I’d see him this week. I feel like he’s ignoring me again.

Other things are just not right with him and the relationship, and I don’t know how to tell him. Some of these things are:

After he dropped me off at my car at the end of one of our dates, as soon as I stepped out of the car and walked over to mine, he waved and drove away. It was past midnight in a parking lot and I was cleaning the snow off of my windshield, windows, and back window alone. I just felt this was inconsiderate and not very gentleman-like.
At restaurants, he asks for the bill before I’ve even finished half my plate. Again, I feel like this is inconsiderate and not something a gentleman would do.
He sort of hogs the conversation by talking about himself. It’s hard for me to get a word in, and when I do, he seems like he can’t wait for me to stop talking so he can say something. I don’t mean to be mean, but it’s mostly about him and how he’s going to be an optometrist, his beliefs about certain issues, his likes and dislikes, etc. He also comes across as arrogant when he tells me that he thinks he is a better choice than most guys out there and that girls are lucky to date him.
He walks ahead of me in public and I feel in a way, embarrassed, and that he and I are out of tune. Once again, I feel like he’s being disrespectful.
We both come from dysfunctional families. He grew up in a bad part of New York, and I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother with borderline personality disorder. He often blames his family problems for why he never contacts me and then tells me that his situation was worse than mine and he got out of it and didn’t have the same “luxuries” I did. Him saying this was a problem for me because I told him nothing of my story besides my dad has a drinking problem. We spend a lot of time talking about him, so I feel like he’s either 1.) Trying to make himself seem more tough or 2.) Trying to imply that I don’t understand when I feel like he doesn’t know how much I understand.
He was trying to tell me that seeing each other only once every few weeks is normal. I told him that it’s not normal and it makes me upset. He kept trying to make me seem silly, and I finally told him that my friends think he’s cheating on me because I never see him and don’t like to see me this upset. He told me that my friends don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t know him and that I shouldn’t listen to them because they’ll only cause me drama. I was unimpressed with this because my friends know me well enough to know when I’m upset.

There are a few other things he does that are like the things I mentioned above, but I think the ones above do a good job of outlining how he is.

I want to end the relationship because I’m tired of his behavior. He tells me that I’m over-reacting whenever I talk about my feelings. Do you think I’m justified in wanting to end this relationship?

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Answer #1

He is a total A-HOLE as you described. You have every right to be upset, don’t feel bad for wanting something better. Okay first off, blue balls is not even real. To a point, yeah, it gets a little sore because there’s blood rushing in that area, but it’s not excruciating pain and it’s not anything that will make him legitimently not want to cuddle with you and say “ow” after a few minutes. He’s LYING. He is not a man, he is a boy. Blaming his actions on his family is plain BS. He is making his own decisions to be a jerk. You should dump this guy and stop stressing over him! He’s not worth it! Ugh I could go on and on, but you get the point. You deserve better. Don’t let him be so controlling like that. Him making you feel bad for speaking up is emotional abuse. He’s twisting your words. God I can’t believe this guy hahaha. If you want you can make a list of the pros and cons about the relationship. On one side list the good stuff and on the other list the bad. See how it all measures up and you’ll see whether or not this relationship is worth it.

Answer #2

Exactly what she said. Not to mention never let any man pressure you into doing anything you do not want to, believe in or feel comfortable doing. That means oral sex, sex, anything. The guy is a control freak and he is taking advantage of uiu.

Answer #3

Yup! He just wants someone to sleep with, not be with.

Answer #4

I was feeling like he was way out of line, but then I was thinking that how could someone who seemed like good boyfriend material go from nice guy to jerk so quickly. I’m glad that you both think I’m not over-thinking it or being too sensitive..

Answer #5

Oops. I hit enter to early hahaha.. I’m going to break up with him the next time I see him. I was supposed to see him some time this week, but he never responded to that part of my emails or texts. If he waits another week or two to see me, do you think it would be wrong to break up over the phone? I don’t want to be tacky, but I made it clear that I wanted to see him more and he said he understood. I don’t want to lose my break-up courage :/

Answer #6

too*

Answer #7

No, break up over the phone isnt tacky, just don’t do it over text. Be careful when you break up with him because he may get angry. You don’t know the guy too well so he could get physical (but hopefully he won’t). Its

Answer #8

It’s his own fault if he doesn’t make time to see you. Call him and just be like “hey since you don’t have time for me, I think it’s est that we break up.” And stand your ground! Let him know that you’re in charge of your life.

Answer #9

Oh I meant if you break up face to face it could be dangerous so do it where people are around.

Answer #10

I agree with Iffy to some extent, he does sound like and a- hole but you have to remember he said specifically he wants sex in a relationship so when he told you that and you didn’t want that right away you guys should have either talked about that then or discontinued the relationship then. Like I said he may be a butt hole but at least he was honest, dont get me wrong with what im saying, I dont think he is right for what he said but he was honest when h said it, so if I were you I would break it off, in public or over the phone, good luck to you

Answer #11

Yeah that’s true, he did tell you exactly what he wanted in the beginning… He was a jerk from the start lol.

Answer #12

Ok! I may have to do it over the phone if it’s best for people to be around, because when we meet, we meet in at the far end of a Target parking lot around 9pm, so not a lot of people are there. Thanks for your help!

Answer #13

we meet at the far*

Answer #14

I know he said he wants sex, and I gave him oral sex and included that in my first post. I’m not mad about the sex thing and I gave him oral sex because I wanted to meet his needs. My problem is that he’s not willing to meet my needs when I’ve made them clear to him on multiple occasions. I told him that lack of communication and not spending time together is a problem for me in relationships just like lack of sex in relationships is a problem for him. I have an issue with him because he’s only caring about himself.

Answer #15

Well here is some advice, make sure next time to be more careful. If the guy only talks about himself that’s all they are interested in so choose someone that asks how you feel and what your opinions are before moving on to a bf/gf relationship. There are clues to watch for, i dont think you guys are a good match. Maybe ask him why he isn’t interested in your needs and if he doesn’t have an answer or a good answer maybe its time to end the relationship. Next time try and be friends first then go from there. Good luck to you again

Answer #16

Wow, honestly this guy is such a bum. I agree with what every one has said on here. Find somebody else, please, he is not the right guy.

Answer #17

Thanks! It was weird because we did talk for awhile over the dating website, through email, and phone conversations. He seemed like a normal guy at the time, but when I think about it, I think I did miss some signs of his arrogance. First, his dating profile was so long it took me over 40 minutes to read. Big profile, big ego? Second, he did talk about himself a lot over the phone, but I thought it was just nervousness or something. I’m definitely going to keep my eyes peeled for any red flags when I am ready to date again. Right now, I feel a little used and disgusted and I think I need some time to myself haha

Answer #18

Answer #19

Oops. I don’t know why that posted twice. I’m on my iPad right now so I probably hit a weird button or something haha

Answer #20

I’m going to break up with him the next time I see him (or over the phone if he doesn’t want to meet in a public place), but I think I’m going to take some time to myself for a little while. I feel like thi

Answer #21

Answer #22

Answer #23

This* jerk I’m dating is a wake up call that I need to find better guys who treat me nicel

Answer #24

Nicely* and that I have to stop being a doormat. I’m sorry this message is so broken up. I’m on my iPad and I keep hitting “return” by accident. I’m no t

Answer #25

Nicely* and that I have to stop being a doormat. I’m sorry this message is so broken up. I’m on my iPad and I keep hitting “return” by accident. I’m no t

Answer #26

Not* very technology savvy as you can see lol

Answer #27

Ugh. I don’t know why my messages get sent twice sometimes but not other times haha… Sorry!

Answer #28

i’d say end the relationship, yeah you might be lonely and miss him a lot, but this guy is a jerk! honestly, if my boyfriend dropped me off in the middle of the night and i had to scrape the ice off my car alone, i’d be pissed. there are tons of other nice guys out there, some who don’t want to just get into your pants. if he was really a gentleman and really cared about you, he wouldnt tell you right away that he wants sex. he’d wait to mention it, maybe even months after you start dating.

Answer #29

I’m sorry I didn’t see this before! He still hasn’t agreed to go out on a date and it’s been two weeks now. I’m going to call him tomorrow and break up with him. Thanks for your help!

Answer #30

He may have been honest when he said he sees sex as an essential part of a relationship, but he lied when he said the same about respect. Respect is a two-way street, and he hasn’t shown you an ounce of it. Don’t forget to tell us when you’ve dumped him {:^)

Answer #31

Hi everyone! I just want to update you all that I have not broken up with him because he rarely contacts me. He emails me once a day, but they’re all short. Most of them just say “I miss you!” He’s only asked me to do something with him twice, but both times, he emailed me on Friday nights around 9 or 10pm wanting to meet up and both times he asked, I read the email when I was out of town with friends. He has texted me three times (June 3rd, June 5th, and June 21st). He literally hasn’t called at all so I haven’t gotten the opportunity to break up with him. I’m starting to get impatient though and I’m starting to feel stuck in this “relationship”. I’ll tell you when I’ve broken up with him. I’m hoping it will be soon, but the way he is, I’m not sure when it will be.

Answer #32

Why not just send him a text or an email saying it’s over? I mean not to be mean or nothing but it doesn’t seem like he cares how he makes you feel, so yeah I would do it that way

Answer #33

Why not just send him a text or an email saying it’s over? I mean not to be mean or nothing but it doesn’t seem like he cares how he makes you feel, so yeah I would do it that way

Answer #34

Yea, normally I’d say do it in person, but when you rarely get to see them, then it is best not to drag it out!

Answer #35

Hi. I didn’t want to be tacky, but I’m glad you both replied. I just sent him a break up email and I feel so good now! It’s like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I want to sing and dance. Thanks to everyone who answered this question and helped me through this! (:

Answer #36

I also blocked him on my phone, deleted him from my email contacts, and spammed his emails so they won’t be appearing in my inbox anymore (: thanks again! ! ! ! ! ! (: (: (:

Am I over-reacting and expecting too much or do you think I'm justified in wanting to end my relationship with my boyfriend?

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