My Fiance has issue with his mother

Dear Dees, This is a real problem for people to deal with. A few things: As far as you are concerned, honor his decision in whatever he decides to do. Try not and pressure him in any direction….and you can do this. We have no idea as to why he feels the way he does towards his mother. Sometimes people can be so mean and abusive that they create these feelings that he demonstrates to you. In otherwords his actions may simply be an expression of his mothers actions with him over the years.His feelings and attitude toward the mom are simply a built in mechanism that we ALL have that protects us from bad abusive,manipulative etc…treatment. We can become very unhappy when we choose not to listen to these feelings. He wants to do the right thing for Grandma and Grandpa..however he needs to take care of himself and his own emotions. If he decides not to go because of his mother he must not be judged by you and if you are hearing that kind of talk in the family you have every right to stick up for him. (Thats another answer). What I would say to him if he were here is this: If you want to go than you go. Just because your mother is going to be there does not mean you have to have any type of meaningful conversation with her. Keep it light “Hi how ya doing, nice to see Grandma is doing better etc..etc..” 1 to 2 minutes and than move on to someone else. This can also be really good for him because he will find that he is choosing not to run. He is choosing to do what HE wants and HE is choosing to control the situation/conversation with mom. I would really pretend she is a stranger, if I were him. For example: You don’t hate the stranger, you don’t want to hide from the stranger, you don’t really want to have meaningful conversation with the stranger. This is how to handle her if the situation arises. I know how he feels..right now he is concerned about grandpa, but at the same time he is equally struggling with this inner turmoil. I hope when you two read this the inner turmoil will subside. On the other hand….if he simply does not want to go to the pass than he should not have to. Tell him if this is how he feels don’t go and you CAN’T worry about what people think. Today I bet you there are millions of people taking anti-depressants all because they worry about what family and other peoplr think. So lets recap. 1 Whatever he decides, you support him 2 If he wants to go then GO GO GO and don’t let anybody stop you and/or control your topic of conversation. 3 If you don’t want to go….don’t go. and understand that you are simply listening to your comfort and discomfort levels that we all have. What makes you uncomfortable may not make one of your family members uncomfortable and thats fine. But you really don’t owe anyone an explanation….explaining your feelings..you could explain it to Grandma but you should no longer worry if she will understand or not. Of course you hope she will understand…. you just can’t allow your emotions to rest on her thoughts of what she thinks of your comfort/discomfort levels. I hope this helps and is not to long. Familycoach