Do you think I can pull back the love from my affair?

I fully expect this to be attacked harshly by the majority, because of the obvious immorality, but I still want to hear all of your comments anyway. For some of you, you’ll simply NEVER understand or experience this situation, and that’s good for you. But I’m in it, and I need help.

I’ve been married for over 10 years, and the marriage is more than stale. She knows I’m still attracted to her, yet she won’t lift a finger to initiate anything sexually. I consider this just as much of a “breech” of committment as anything, but I know that’s because my morals have withered.

For the past 6 months, I’ve been seeing a co-worker on the side. Her marriage was also fading, and her husband got into drugs, so she left him. She is resolute that this was all brewing prior to our relationship, but I do know that my advice when we were simply “friends” is partly a factor. She is a dozen years younger than me, but has been through enough in her life to be as mature as anyone my age. Our attraction was awkward at first, but as we grew more familiar with each other, we had the most incredible passion together that either of us have ever had in our lives. We settled into a comfortable two-person team that covered every single one of our tracks. Nobody at work, nor spouses have any idea or suspicions that we’ve been together. We trusted each other more than we’ve ever trusted our spouses, and she expressed her desire to eventually be with me without the cloak and dagger. We’ve discussed our hesitancy in changing our families forever, and lately have had our doubts about where this would all eventually go. I believe her youth and morals have kicked in, while at the same time, I’m finding myself greedy and not wanting to let go of this incredible relationship. We talked last night, and she expressed her desire to “take it a step back”. We argued for perhaps the first time, and at one point agreed to end the relationship entirely. After another few hours, we felt so upset that we talked again, and “revised” that back to “taking a step back”. We both realize the sex is far too incredible to give up, and it seems we’ll now attempt to remove the “love” from the relationship. We’ve agreed that we’re far too close to end a friendship we also consider to be the best we have with anyone.

My question to anyone, regardless of how much you dislike my morals, and with all of your honesty…will this actually work for both of us, or will we end up even more hurt than we ever intended for the other? Can we remain friends, and casual sexual partners without the love now?

Thanks for your responses, no matter how horrible you think we are.

Answer #1

Odd that someone changed my original title, but I suppose that’s a better way to phrase it. Anyways, after a few days, I have an update. Feel free to chime in, as I need the feedback good or bad. I’d especially like to hear from people who have had a similar situation, or at least can relate.

Over the past few days, much more has come to light. After much discussion, there are two reasons why she needed to “take a step back”. According to her, the first and foremost reason is that she doesn’t want her heart broken by a man she can’t have in the long run. I can see the pain in her eyes when she says it, and I do believe that’s the main reason. It’s completely logical, and selfish of me to expect otherwise, but of course, I don’t necessarily want to deal with logic when my heart was doing the thinking. The second reason, and I believe to be a bigger factor than she was at first willing to let on, was that she started to become interested in another co-worker closer to her age. This started as a result of the first reason gradually settling in, because we were once truly impenetrable as a couple. We put up so many deflections, so many misdirections so that nobody would know about “us”, that I think the pressure of effort finally got to her, and she wanted to be closer to someone with whom she didn’t have to hide anymore.

So, I stand here as an example of a man in a loveless marriage, who found the love of a young, beautiful girl, who gave me joy and pleasure and a target for my affections once again. I became addicted to this feeling, and now it’s slowly slipping away. I’m broken, and morally, I deserve it. I showed such care and support for this girl because I believed in her when nobody else did. I literally changed her life, and I’m not saying that out of ego. She fully admits that, and loves me for it. She knows the effort I put into making her find self-worth, and confidence, and says she owes me more than she’ll ever be able to pay back. During those tender moments, inbetween the cracks in her walls, and when she thinks back about the story of “us”, she calls me and cries. Just yesterday, she confessed that one very observant co-worker thought we’d be perfect together. She’s moved deeply by that, because it goes against her initial resolve to give up that dream. And it was a dream. A dream shared by two lonely people, that’s slowly shattering our hearts, but sparing our private lives. Her heart has found a new target because it had to survive, but still gets tugged by the old one. My heart simply yearns for her, and I can’t go through a day without feeling hollow for having lost her full attention and desire. I don’t know if I can make it through this, but I’m trying. So very hard.

I know I’m selfish. I know I”m only prolonging the inevitable, but if anyone has ever been the sole object of a beautiful person’s desires, you’d know how hard it is to let go of that attention, much less lose it.

I want to remove my feelings, and try to take this back to a friendship because we’re essentially two peas in a pod. We’re soulmates, but it’s impossible to see that develop to fruition now, or ever.

Anyways, I appreciate the chance to vent here, and I still encourage comments, because I like to hear third-party opinions. She’s mentioned being open to keeping some sexual fire alive, but I don’t know if I should allow myself to drag along. I’ve always wished I could be that cold-hearted stud that just has sex for the thrill, but anyone reading this can see it goes deeper than that for me. I need to feel love. We still have that spark, so it wouldn’t be the same. I’d be so much better off if I could lose these emotions, and we could just please each other when convenient, but I can’t remove the overall sense of loss and sadness thereof.

Fire away your comments, maybe you’ll hit something solid. Thanks, Ken

Answer #2

Dear Ken, You never know who has been there and who hasn’t. I don’t usually respond more than once especially when some great advice has been given. But of course like life you take the advice or leave it. I would just like to sum it all up because I think you have read what we have said but you are still trying to justify it all in your mind. At this point you really do need counselling to help you see it is time to grow up. Wrapping it all up…leave this girl alone, either repair your marriage or get out of that too…stop thinking with the wrong head and move on. living in a marriage with no sex and apparently no love can make anyone seek out the attention of a younger person…what a boost to your self-esteem that was obviously needed. Okay…so now what is common in both relationships that aren’t work….YOU! Time for you to evaluate you life, to heal, to move on. You keep saying you know how selfish you are….but actions speak lowder than words and you aren’t doing anything but prolonging the agony for all 3 of you. You are now playing with emotions; you have responsibilities I suggest you take care of them before you continue with your self-indulgence behaviours. Just keeping it real. Sue…good luck

Answer #3

Dear ken_everheart, Of course reading your story we know that you already know the answers to these questions and you are just wanting validation for them. Question #1 will this work or end up with more hurt: It may work but not without hurt. Too simple…no, you are hurt by your wifes attitude towards sex…have you talked about this? She’s your wife don’t you discuss these things? Try counselling. Will your wife be hurt when she finds out (oh she probably already knows by the way…women sense these things) She probably is already hurting your marriage is falling apart she probably isn’t blind….Hurt more than you intended? HUH! if you didn’t take steps to fix your marriage than guess what it is now intended. Question #2 Can you remain friends or friends with benefits without love…NO! when there is a sexual relationship there is always emotions, feelings…we are all human. What a wonderful world for you if you could have your cake and eat it too…but alas at some point in life we need to take responsibility. When we marry we become two, being responsible to fulfill our commitments. If we no longer feel we can do this we either seek help or get out. If we don’t then yes the hurt is intentional and then you just become mean and hurtful. Not everyone will think you are horrible but I believe most will feel you are unfair, not taking responsibility and you are also very hurt. Please put off this other relationship till you seek out counselling and speak honestly with your wife…don’t you at least owe that to yourself and her? Perhaps your wife has been having an affair for a while and no longer is sexually interested in you? Sue…good luck

Answer #4

Well i have to honestly say if you feel this attracted to someone and she is this attracted to you then your relationship will survive but if you want it to be consistant then you need to tell the other partners whats been going on from the beginning yes it will hurt them but since the relationships are basically over at least from what you have said it may be something they are waiting to hear they just don’t want to be the one to do it. their are a lot of things you could do in this situation but if you are a good moral person your heart will tell you the right thing to do if the right thing to do is step back and let her try to reconcile then you need to do that but like i said if it’s meant to be then it will be!! I hope this helps!

Answer #5

Once you love someone, you cant continue to have a sexual relationship without the love there, cos its there already. So im not to sure if this is going to work out for you becos if it started out as a mutual sexual relationship without any intentions of falling for each other or leaving your current spouses for each other it may work, but becos you have taken that step into being serious its hard to go back once your in it. You can try but one of you or both of you wont be able to keep it as pure friends that have sex.

Answer #6

The title-changing was just for clarity. We do it to help the descriptiveness of the questions.


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