How much support should I give my teen daughter?

My wild daughter got pregnant to a total loser - they now live off the state in a house, he smokes pot and boozes. she’s a good mother and we’ve supported her so far hoping she would settle down and start working out a future for her and our grandson. she’s 18 but she still squanders all the money (a lot) she gets from the state. we end up supporting her as if she still lived at home. when do we say ‘enough! sort it out or you’ll still be where you are in 10 years.’ my partner and I have v different theories.

Answer #1

I would have made that suggestion if I’d thought about it some more. The well being of the children is at stake here. The good it would do here is that the child would be safe. You’re right, removing the child is the last resort, and they would only do it in a last resort type of situation. I do see it. I work in a high school. I have adolescent clients at the clinic. My previous supervisor works in the foster care system and has been doing so for over 20 years. It’s not like I’m completely clueless about children being removed from their homes. Ichi’s concern was the child’s safety. If they didnt find anything to be concerned about, they wouldnt remove the child. Removing children can be detrimental. It can also be life saving…

Answer #2

Ty its not protesting oh so loudly its simply giving my opinion. You wonder why I protest oh so loudly but I wonder why ichi took it oh so personally. Like you said whats the big deal? Maybe that should be the question. We’re on here to give our opinions back and fourth. I shouldn’t have said it was rediculous but that was and is how I feel. The fact that your friend or advisor buddy suggested that she try to take the child I thought was awful. To remove a child from their home can be detremental to a child. You have to really see it or experience it to truly understand that. Removing a child should be a last resort not a way to fix an unliked problem. Obviously we all come from different worlds and from my experience and No that does not mean that I have had my kids taken away or had anyone even try that, in that situation not only would the child not be removed but it would cause a rift between the grandmother and mother and what good would that do. I’ve seen a lot of great posts on here from ichi this just doesn’t happen to be one that I agree with. And what would be the point of putting in the definition of the word and than not actually using it. Lol. I could give you some examples of truly harmful enviroments in real life too. Just kidding but not really, lol. C-: Anyways, thanks for the opinion Ty!

Answer #3

Its not a situation I would want my child in but just so you know its called being realistic!

Answer #4

Wow, I can’t believe anyone would advise you to try to gain custody of your grandson. That comment bothers me so much, if you have no idea.Thats extreme and a rediculous thought. Maybe ichi lives in a perfect world somewhere in perfect suburbia where children are suppose to live in a “perfect” enviroment otherwise its “unfit” but that world doesn’t exist! I can give you some ideas of what a truly harmful enviroment is! Than again I live in what would be the real world. If you had said the boyfriend beats your daughter or is abusive in any way ot her or your grandson that would be a whole different situation. But the fact is the boyfriend drinks and smokes weed, so does the majority of americans. Your daughter is not endangering her son. Definition of Harmful –adjective causing or capable of causing harm; injurious: a harmful idea; a harmful habit.
Synonyms: hurtful, detrimental, damaging, deleterious. Follow that rediculous advice and try to take custody of your grandson not only will you lose but you will lose your daughter!

Answer #5

everyone above is right…support you child on the decision to have the child but you should sit your daughter down and ask her this “do you really want a father that could potentionally hurt or even kill your baby” because smoke and pot is not a good thing to have around a child.

Answer #6

I think what you don’t realize is she’s not a teen anymore, it may not seem like it but shes an adult. The moment she decided to lay down and make that baby is the moment she decided to take on adult responsibilties. I got pregnant when I was 17 and had my daughter when I was 18. I took care of myself and my responsibilities without the help of my parents. They were there for me but I only went to them if it was absolutly necessary. Your daughter is obviously not that kinda person yet and to Margie sorry your mom wasn’t around but always being there for your kid no matter what would be a bad choice in this situation. I agree with Ty and Temp. Your daughter needs to grow up and shes not gonna do it with you enabling her. Be there for her but not financially. She’s gonna fall down a few times and make big mistakes, don’t stand her up on her own two feet. Just be there for her when she stands up on her own two feet! Lol hopefully that makes sense. As for the boyfriend he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. So theres no point in even pushing that issue because chances are it will cause a gap between you. I have two children by the same dad and it took me 10yrs to realize he was truley a loser. I had loved him more than anything and thats why it took me so long to see it and it didn’t matter what anyone else said. Hopefully it wont take her as long! Best of luck to ya!

Answer #7

Your daughter gave away all rights to be treated like a baby whenever she had one of her own. She’s a mother now, and it doesnt matter about the father. If she were smart, she would of left him. And she really shouldnt take advantage of that money the state gives her because she really needs to take full responsibility for her and her child on her own and support themselves. I would set some limits as to what you could help her with. Money, very limited. Moral support, all the time.

Answer #8

baybaybay09 what’s the big deal if in the real world that’s just how people live? So CPS would look into it and make sure the kid was ok. CPS is definitely not going to take away a child from the mother without just cause. No judge will sign an order to take away a kid without evidence of harm (seriously, if you’re going to define something, try to define it without using the actual word in the definition, and if you’re trying to make a point with a definition, it really doesnt help to use the same word). If her daughter is being a good enough mother and the home environment is safe, what is there to worry about? She would have no case. It’s only those who have something to fear who worry about their kids being taken away.

I have to wonder why you’re protesting oh so loudly?

Answer #9

baybaybay09, I can’t believe you’re advising someone to leave a child in a potentially harmful situation - shame on you!

Answer #10

if this were to happen to me, my mom would probably haul my butt back at home, forbid that guy to ever see me again by talking some sense outta me, but she’ll still care for me/pay for stuff because the baby’s gonna be her grandchild anyway.

Answer #11

maybe I dont know what im talking about. I probably dont. but this is coming from a girl who has grown up without a mother. your little girl will ALWAYS need you. it just breaks my heart to hear stories like this =[

Answer #12

You can’t help someone who won’t help herself, but you do owe it to your grandson to protect him.

I strongly advise you try to gain custody of him (or contact child welfare and have him put in foster care if you aren’t able to take him). He deserves a better life. A mother can be loving to her child, but if she won’t take the steps to keep him safe from such a harmful environment then she is, by no means, a good mother.

Stop supporting her, but make sure she understands that when she’s ready to clean up her life, you’ll be there to help her.

Answer #13

I agree with most everyone here… the time to cut her off financially was yesterday…

There is no way for her to learn to stand on her own two feet financially until she HAS to…You’re her mother, and you’ll love her thru thick and thin…but it’s our obligation to also teach our chicks to fly on their own…we won’t always be here.

granny phrannie

Answer #14

Exactly what is your definition of a good mother? Because as far as I know, a good mother does not allow her child to be around someone who smokes pot and boozes, doesnt squander money and doesnt have to rely on her own mother to support her.

Question here is, why should she settle down and work out a future? She’s getting money from the state and you. She has no motivation to do so. It’s up to you to decide when you say enough. But think about whether enabling her is helping or hurting.

Answer #15

Tell her you can’t support her anymore. Say that she needs to get her boyfriend in line or leave him because he is no use if he isn’t supporting your family. She might not leave him but it’s a good thing to try to knock some sense into her. I would go with tough love. Cut her off completely until she grows a brain and starts using money a bit better and understands what life is going to throw at her.

Answer #16

Seriously? Whatever floats your boat mama!

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