How do I deal with a controlling, over-sensitive mother?

What would you do if she were doing this to YOUR kids? You’d forbid her from seeing them. You’d stop her from tormenting them. You’d see to it that she didn’t make them feel guilty and that they weren’t under her thumb.

So why is it that you feel YOU have to endure this control and abuse? You’re a grown woman now. You have the right not to be put down in front of your own children! You have the right to respect. Your children WILL pick up on the fact that you’re constantly undermined and overruled. It’s harder to regain respect and control than it is to lose it as far as your kids go…

I would recommend a phone conversation, that way you can censor what she says from your children. And you don’t have to ‘throw her out’ because she won’t be there. It’ll be less awkward. I think you should tell her exactly what you told us and if she interrupts you, give her one more chance to listen and then politely end the call if she doesn’t.

She isn’t going to want you out of her life, TRUST me on that. As much as it sounds like she loves your kids and, yes, you (people don’t butt in all the time if they don’t love you- however misguided their actions are), she’s not going to want to be away for too long. You’re her daughter- I think she’ll pout for a while but then she’ll try to be on her best behavior. Of course, you may have to endure some guilt trips- but stand your ground! You are a mom now, you have to start being assertive. You DESERVE to be assertive. :)

Good luck with everything.

Thanks for all the good advice. I have done all of those things. The problem is, whenever her life feels empty, she gets worse with her behavior. She will flare up until I Ireach my breaking point, I’ll push back and take my space, there will be bad blood for a while and then things will start up again. She’ll be careful at first and then she’ll evolve into a monster again. I’m just really tired of this cycle. It’s extremely stressful. I don’t know how many times I have to assert myself before she stops it for good.

I would try doing public meetings. Maybe get together for an hour or so at a playground once every few weeks so she can see the kids. If she oversteps her boundaries, leave. Let her know you’re serious about this (again). If it still doesn’t sink in, I think you’re going to just have to let her life be empty then. She may not ever stop it… I would send her photos of the children at Christmas, and school photos every school year with a cordial letter. And that would be the extent of it.

I agree with kdsmm. You’re old enough to take care of your own issues, you’re an adult and a father, so there’s nothing your mother has to control anymore. The one who has to control now it’s you. As for her unhappiness being because of you, well, if she seriously says that she’s not being wise. Parents are supposed to help us become worthy men and women, once that is done, there’s nothing for them to do anymore. They can only observe us when as we grow.