Why won't my girlfriend be physical with me?

I’m not expecting a specific answer to this, I more or less have a situation to present you with, and any feedback on it would be great. I think I just need a little insight, and I’m curious as to what advice there is to be given in this respect.

Here’s my situation:

I’ve been dating this girl for 11 months now and we’re both very in love, we are both 20 years old. We are making plans to live together this summer and we’re both very excited about it.

We see each other everyday, we just can’t go a day without seeing one another. My problem is that my girlfriend has major problems being physical with me and she knows this. She has had other boyfriends in the past and she’s told me way too much information lol, things like. And I quote, “I used to have sex all the time with so and so.” And I’ve told her how this makes me feel, knowing this about her past when she says she’s so in love with me but can’t express it whatsoever. We had sex a few times at the start of our relationship and she told me it was amazing and wanted to again and again, then she talked to me about it and said she didn’t want to anymore over fear of getting pregnant…again just confused me because of her past.

This was totally fine with me because I respect her so much and I want to do what’s right by her, so not having sex was fine with me. And it still is (we haven’t had sex in about 6 months). But she won’t even be physical with me in any respect, I try to get things going with her but she never wants to even make out with me.

Just recently she was in the mood to do stuff so we started doing whatever than like a minute or two later she turned her back to me and didn’t say anything. I asked her what’s wrong, she said “nothing” and I told her I loved her, she said it back. Then I asked her if she was sure she loved me and she asked me why I would say such a thing, than I explained to her how I felt about knowing these things in her past meanwhile having no physical happenings with us, and she said she understands how I feel. We went to sleep and she said she was sorry in the morning, she said she’s mad with herself over this inability of hers to express herself with me. She says she loves me more than anyone she ever has ever loved before, and I believe her, but why such this big problem to be physical, when clearly we’ve broken the ice before.

She sleeps over at my house 4-5 nights a week, yet we may only be physical with each other like two times a month. She hates it when I’m the initiator, so I feel like I’m waiting around for her to make a move. Every time I make a move it ends with her turning her back to me because I guess she’s either embarrassed or mad at herself for whatever reason, and I’ve tried everything I can think of, she just doesn’t like it when I try to initiate things. Which sucks because she never initiates anything.

I know it’s not an attraction thing, we’ve been over that too. She doesn’t even know what’s up with it herself, she gets mad at herself over this. I’ve encouraged her to masturbate when she’s not with me because I figure it might help her get in the mood when she’s with me. I told her to try and go through with it herself even if she doesn’t want to, to just try. She told me the other day she tried this but she said she can’t even do it when she’s by herself.

My sex drive compared to hers is just astronomical, I will be in the mood to do stuff with her like every night and I hate to say it but I get an erection even when she rests her head on my shoulder and puts her arms around me, but every time I have to resist to not do anything about it, I find myself having to masturbate when she falls asleep or if it’s really bad I go to the bathroom because I can’t stand the tension of wanting to, but knowing neither of us will receive anything.

We get along so well and we just click, we never have arguments, we have the same beliefs and opinions about every thing. We always have fun when we see each other and experience tons and tons of laughter together. Every aspect of our relationship is absolutely amazing and perfect in every way..except for this one problem we have.

I’ve never made a big scene about it with her, but she does know how I feel. I’ve made that clear, and she understands. I understand and respect completely her not wanting to have sex and she really appreciates that. –I’ve told her we will go on the pill for a full month before we have sex again and use condoms (this came up after she said she wished we could bang and she said, “we’ll see”).

I just don’t understand how a 20 year old girl so madly in love with me, can have such a huge problem being the least bit physical with me (considering we already had sex several times), when I know for a fact she used to have sex all the time (her words).

p.s. sorry for just a long post and thanks for reading, any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Answer #1

I have the same problem as most of you, my girlfriend was always physical and sexual with me up until about a few months ago and we’ve only been together for a year now. I’ve heard stories where shes told me she always had sex with her ex or cheated on her ex’s with some kid and even done stuff with a girl and a guy at the same time. She claims she loves me and I believer her 100 percent, but I just think sometimes that if she loves someone so much than why is she not attracted to me, that being said, I dont even try to be sexual anymore because im tired of being shut down and turned down, its so upsetting to me sometimes that when I do try(never anymore) that I get so mad at either myself for not being what she wants that I have to get out of bed and walk away, go outside and take a breather. We love each other and are planning on having a baby now, which maybe the reason why for the past month that she doesnt want sex anymore, but I’ve heard from very many people and women who have been pregnant that they always wanted sex while pregnancy. I just dont understand why my girlfriend is no longer interested in me in that physical way, especially when shes told me im supposedly the best shes ever had and whatnot, that being said, I dont believe her on that quote considering she never has sex with me and always used to with everyother guy shes ever been with. Sometimes I wonder if shes cheating on me and has someone else to do her the favor and thats why she doesnt need me in that way, only for affection and support. I literally do everything for my girl and I try so hard not to have sex but to make her happy and nothing works, for instance I bought her a 600 dollar neclace for our one year anniversary, a month ahead of time, and didnt so much as get a thank you out of it or even a kiss. Its not about what I spent on the damn thing its about the reaction I got from her at the time. Someone please tell me they have some advice or at least the same crappy situation as me.

Answer #2

whoah the girl sounds exactly like me right now, I did many things with my ex but now I dont with my current boyfriend, she may not know why maybe shes really hurt from her past relationship and feels as if she starts doing physical things she’ll get hurt all over again

Answer #3

trust me I’ve thought that before but all the sex she’s had haven’t been random encounters and she’s never been abused. unless there’s something she isn’t telling me. (which is highly unlikely). she’s only had sex with her boyfriends.

and I know who all her boyfriends are. most of them were great guys, one of them was a major suicidal emo person. but that relationship had no sex in it. the relationship after this one was his best friend (sounds bad I know) and that’s the one I’ve she refers to that had lots of sex. this relationship was her big one before me..she had a long distance relationship for a couple months before she started seeing me which obviously didn’t work out.

Answer #4

did you ever think that maybe she was sexually abused in her past by someone who was very close to her? think about it, she used to have sex all the time with guys in her past that were most likely just hookups. so at first when you and her started dating, sex was okay with her because you guys werent close like she is now.

is what im saying making sense here? try to sit her down and talk about what is bothering her.

Answer #5

Sorry, I wish to delete this post, but the site will not let me for some reason.

Answer #6

Like you said, there are a million possible reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t like to get physical anymore. I’ve compiled a little list for you!:

  1. It could have something to do with her past, that she just doesn’t feel entirely comfortable talking about. I mean, even if she did get physical with other guys, doesn’t mean she ever enjoyed it. Or maybe she’s just so comfortable with you, and trusts you so much to be there for her regardless of whether she has sex that she doesn’t feel pressured to do it?

  2. She could just be feeling less sexy and less confident about herself. It might not even have anything to do with what you say or do… just another one of those weird things that go on in a heterosexual woman’s head…

  3. She might genuinely be really scared of getting pregnant, and not want to take the pill and not enjoy using a condom…

  4. She might just all of a sudden have just stopped enjoying sex - doesn’t have to mean anything personal, but people can change their minds, can’t they?

Will add to this if I come up with any more!

Answer #7

Wow, 6 months is a long time. The longest I have gone without sex with my girlfriend is 2.5 weeks, and I’m starting to lose it…

I read your post and noticed that we actually have lots in common. Yes, my girlfriend also had lots of sex before me, sadly.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now. We had lots of sex in the beginning (I was also 20) and she also told me how great it was (and of course I could see). Some days (usually sundays) we would just be in bed all day screwing our brains out till we passed out.

1 year later we did not have sex as often (only like 2 times a week) and that was already driving me crazy and I was starting to get frustrated and push her away. But everytime we would talked about it and sorted things out. She told me not to push her away, as she only wanted sex if she felt close to me.

2 years later and we have sex only 2 to 4 times a month! I’ve given up trying to talk about it and I try to be the best boyfriend I can be. I don’t pressurize her, I hug and kiss and cuddle her lots. I’m there for her, I am understanding and we really get a long well. Also, I do romantic gestures and focus on foreplay. Often times, when foreplay is over and we actually start getting somewhere, she ruins it by bringing up other stuff that is bothering her (like work and stuff) and sometimes she cries. I’ve given her everything she has asked for and it doesn’t make matters any better… I’ve resorted to masturbation to keep me sane and keep me from getting blue balls every week.

  1. I’ve only had sex 3 times this year. She is still as much in love with me as ever (she tells me) and she is hoping I will marry her (I haven’t asked her yet). At this point I have given up trying to have sex with her. I never initiate anymore as I hate being rejected (it just pisses me off and makes matters worse).

I’m really starting to lose interest in my relationship because I don’t feel close to her when we don’t make love. Everything else in our relationship is great, so I don’t know what to do…

Is this how marriage would be?

Answer #8

real talk every girl knows she needs a man.. and just a man yo love that woman give her the buisness when you want it you dont need it nor does she… but when its on its on but talk about life not no garbage like your feelings thats life feeling are deeper and you can get that from anybody…Work on workin to get to know her because just like her you can get. Keep it pimpin my dude if this is stressing you out you should not be in a relationship because the pool is deep my friend. gett your mind right. ever seen a porno? weve all done it dont make it so boring to were they feel weird just give da buisness. Give hers get your give more love then crash. when the lady ask for something provide do over think…relate and stop thinking she dont think what you are think which is what you think so you over think there simple people with needs just like us men.

Answer #9

I know how you feel and its making me wonder what to do as well. me and my girlfriend have been dating on and off for almost 2 years. this time we’ve been on for 9 months. shes a virgin and said she wants to wait a while. which im completely ok with doing, I’ve told her this. in the beginning of this time of us going out we did stuff all the time and the following months we did stuff all the time. then a couple months ago she stopped wanting to do stuff all of the time. when I would try to initiate stuff she would say she doesnt want to, if I would say but we havent done stuff in a while. about a week being a while. she would say so what I dont want to feel like we have to do stuff. so I said ok you know if she doesnt want to do stuff then im not going to make her. we would go a week two weeks not doing stuff then we would go back to doing stuff every night or every other night. then back to not doing stuff for a while. now lately in the past few months. she wont hardley do anything with me. I ask her why and she says shes just not in the mood. so I ask her do I not turn you on anymore. she said its not that you do. and every time I ask her she says I do. yet we hardley do anything anymore. we did stuff about 2 weeks ago and the time before then was about a month. every time I try to do stuff she tells me to stop and so I figure ill let her initiate something if she wants to, most nights she will read down and just kinda fiddle around and at times make out with me but if I start to make more of it or if I try to reach down to play with her she will stop me and stop what shes doing. its starting to drive me nuts. shes never in the mood anymore which is perplexing because she used to always be up to do stuff. she tells me she loves me all the time and everything always wanting a kiss always wanting to cuddle but never wanting to do anything other than tease me then stop. im always trying to make her happy and do things for her whenever she asks. example: todays my birthday and we were sittten on the couch watching tv and she says shes thirty. instead of me sitting down and relaxin on my bday she asks me to get her something to drink. as I get up and im on my way to the kitchen she asks me if im hungry (aka, im hungry can you make us something to eat). I love her and im not going to leave her because shes not putting out but it definitley would be nice to be gettin something sexual. like I said today was my birthday and I didnt get anything sexual today after a day of fun then when it came time to winde down and relax and such I try to initiate something and she swats at my hand and says quit.

Answer #10

maybe shes not completly ready yet hun…

Answer #11

I believe it’s psychological. She won’t have sex with you because she wants to maintain the ability to manipulate your love for her. She wants control, some kind of authority that I bet she has never had before in any relationship. What you need to do in return is ask for a break making an excuse such as: “I feel disabled without using my dick.” Make it about her. The break should last a month, and then she will be running back to you. And lots of sex will make up for it

Answer #12

iam in a close situation its been 8 months now and I have asked for sex and she has told me no because shes afaid of what might happen because sex ruined some of her friends lives. I told I would be safe as possible, besides not having sex lol. can anyone help?

Answer #13

I don’t know if my post will help any, but I guess you could say I have the same problem with my boyfriend. we have been dating for a few months & I’ve noticed I’m doing the same thing that she’s doing ; turn my back, or just quit & start acting more ‘lovey-dovey’ rather than “horny”, I guess. I’m confused w/ my issue. I haven’t ever been sexually abused, I believe it’s just that I don’t want our relationship to be based on ‘sex’ & fear that that will occur if I start giving in. maybe your girlfriend is having the same problem. based on her past, it seems her other relationships were based on sex & she’s actually developed feelings deeper than that for you. try taking it slower, continue to respect her wishes, eventually she should get over her issue with physical activities when she realizes you’re into her as a person.. not just for the sex, as I hope I will too. (: … hope I helped atleast a little.

Answer #14

Dear marco32: I had a very similar situation. My girlfriend is muslim and she wasn’t allowed to do anything, holding hands, kissing etc. anyway it took me 4 years before we could kiss, you see, she isn’t doing this on purpose, it’s in her beliefs, no pork, rammadon, etc. anyway you don’t try to get her away from her religion, but you get her to be in love with you, not a crush or anything but madly in love with you. You see eventally she will just come up to you and hug you, and kiss you. It’s a long wait, but it’s worth it. But that’s what you have to figure out, is she worth it? Is it true love?

Answer #15

Hey im in a simular situation but not with sex. see my girl we been dating for a month now, and we havent even made out!!! She said its because shes afraid that shes going to ruin our relationship. and I want to believe her. im thinking either shes never made out with anyone. or that she just dont like me that much. I mean I’ve made out with every girl I’ve ever been with but with her no. I really like her and im falling in love and she feels the same way. im really confused im ok with it if she really is just scared but if she never made out with any one then I want her to tell me and we can work it out. I dont know how to ask her or talk to her about this. when I asked her if their were any other reasons why she wouldnt make out with me she said “no I already told you” I need help please I dont want to ruin this relationship im in love

Answer #16


 she actually lost her sex appeal from you, she doesn't find you sexy or hot anymore, its as simple as that even if you are the most sexy or handsome man, for her someone else may be too hot, its on choice, so forget about having sex wid her, just be formal and find your self a new girl who is desperate for you wanting you wanna have sex wid you more and more. Do it.
Answer #17

Ok, so obviously your girlfriend just doesn’t want to have sex with you. Get over it. And if you can’t, then go find someone else who will have sex with you…?

Answer #18

hello people! :) I have a major probleme and I could use some help me and my girl friend have been togethier for 6 month and we see each other kinda everyday but ther is no touching between me and her becoze im christian and shes musalmin and I love her so mush and she loves me too..niw she told me that she cant realy have sex with me not even kiss me we dont even hug!! or hold hands…I realy dont know what to do I I love her and im not ready to let her go! but I realy need help is she doing this on perpose or what I mean I need to feel her…and soory for my english :)

Answer #19


I havent had this issue before. but coming from a girl . yur girlfriend seems scared to “move” on with the relationship. maybe shes scared after yu guys make-out, yu’d waant moree then just makingout. my advise is no matter how awkward the moment is, sit her down and tell her how yu feel with her not wanting to kiss yu .. and if she says “im just in love & I dont wanna ruin this relationship.” just tell her it isnt going to ruin anything. Tell her that kissing your partner actually makes the relationship stronger. Hope thiss helps :)

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