Why do I have this obsession with being abused?

I have possible been abused as a small child. I am not joking at all this is a serious issue that I need help with. I constantly put myself in any danger I can find. I want people to make me scream and cry in pain and I found out its not normal at all! Well read my life story it will help you understand..

I know there might be a reason for it but I hurt all the time usually but most of the time I hide it or only put the positive out there. I feel like there is some horrid pain deep down inside me that I don’t know what it is. A pain that I want to be understood and taken away but how can I have that understanding if I don’t even know what it is. Seems like something hurt me badly when I was little or something. When I was 4 years old my really bad adhd started. When I was 6 years old thats when my behavior issues started and I had a hard time controlling it. Then at age 8 my thoughts started. I was 8 years old and every night I sat up crying listening to my radio having thoughts about people hurting me then I would make up a person in my head that rescues me from my hurt that the person in my head caused me. I would scream and cry in my head of the pain that a imaginary person caused me. Then my rescue person in my head would comfort me and get me out of it. It was like I was reliving something that happened to me over again but I did not remember it. This went on for 2 years. Then at age 10 I started having it even worse thoughts. I went around telling everyone I had the medical problems I did not have. But it only happened in my head. I got kicked out of school cause of my behavior. Then at age 11 it really got worse but my behavior was better. Thats when I had a compulsion for swing on a swing listing to music having those thoughts. For 7 years I was going in and out of mental hospitals, institutions, I was constantly going in and out of the house swinging to get my thoughts out from 4 to 7 hours a day put together. I was cutting my arm up from the pain I felt. I still got scars from it. One time I was 10 minutes from dying after overdosing on 50 pills. I was kinda a christian but not really into it. But last summer god saved me. Now I am constantly up running all over the house getting my thoughts out. Just now sitting here typing you this I am have to get up out of my chair and pace then sit down and everything. I cant go away from home allot because I get scared lost and confused. I cant enjoy life and anything cause I am always having to get up and get thoughts out. Its really bad. I need some love and care and understanding. Thats what gets me through.

I already have a shrink and stuff and nobody knows what to do