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Whats your thoughts on this little poem
As I fall asleep my mind drifts off
I dream that everything is perfect
That Life is fair and you are there
As I start to feel your arms around me
Our lips are about to touch
I awake never to finish my thought
That in this moment I forgot
It was only a dream
I was thrown off by the sentence structure - I think it decreases the clarity. not enough feeling/passion. Try revising when you are in a more ‘intense’ state of mind.
what do you think of this one .
Strangers we once were
Friends we became
Laughs and smiled seemed endless
With your arms around me
My heart began to melt
I couldn’t believe how warm I felt
One special moment a new life made
Instead of sharing in the joy we went our own ways
Months passed with no words exchanged
Until the day our world would change
Held in my arms a baby so sweet
All I could do was think of me and you
Trying to be friends again life just didn’t work
Screaming and fighting we went opposite ways
Finding comfort in another we seemed to go astray
Years began to go by and relationships started to fade
Seperated for so long yet all it took was a kiss
We found our way back to bliss
I agree as poetry it lacks something but if you put a beat and rhythm behind the words and try it out as a song it has a little more meat to it.
xox Sika
it nice..I think you could had added a lil bit more feelinsz but thats just my opinion
It’s plain and lacks holding power, but I guess it’s ok.
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