What do you think about my story? Tell me if it needs work...

That guy was soo hot! you think as he walks by you again. He’s got this look on his face like he’s thinking real hard about something, and you wonder, Is it me? Too bad he’s got a girlfriend. The evil Sammy. That chick with the spiky purple hair.You hate her, but only because he’s going out with her and not you. I mean, gosh, your so much prettier than her. That sounded conceited didn’t it? you ask yourself. You were disgusted when you saw them kissing outside yesterday. You were wishing it was you. You thought about him all day. I sound obsessive, you think. You keep hoping they’ll break up. You know it sounds mean. At least you met Aiden in person today. Thank god for Jenny. She’s your best friend and you always sit at the same table with her, Alexandra, October, and George. They keep you laughing, and you love them and don’t know what you’d ever do without them. Anyway, its the end of the day and your climbing onto your bus, excited cause he rides the same bus. Suddenly, he appears beside you on the bus. “Crystal, can I talk to you for a second?,” Braiden asks. “Yeah, of course.” you say. “Sammy broke up with me” he says, crying and leaning his head on your shoulder.

To Be Continued???

Answer #1

thanks guys, but I’m only 14 and I’m not trying to write a bestseller… I was just bored the other day in my biology class and he was like 2 rows away from me… thanks for the advice!!! oh and also, what do you mean by I’m speaking in too many forms of person???

Answer #2

The Language is highly informal with slangs,and wrong use of tenses.The words you use in describing the characters are immature and not standard in English.Moreover this seems to be a personal account. The STYLE is very loose with no paragraphs and a disrupt sentence structure.This makes it confusing to read with a very bad atmosphere created.The whole story seems to be a poem when Read. THIS STORY IS GOOD BUT LACKS GOOD LANGUAGE AND STYLE.BETTER WORK ON THAT AFTERALL I JUST GAVE A CRITIQUE!

Answer #3

…okay. Firstly- You are speaking in two many formd of Person. Too often, one can say..”Well, I would’nt say..or do this or that. Your style of Writing, to me, sounds as though you are one of my family members’ telling a scary story at a Bonfire or somerhing- lol If you have a strong passion or desire for somehing, yes, by letting others in, you can see from others’ perspective- ..back to my point- .. you also try to hone your skills to get a proper order and writi

Answer #4

I liked it greeneyes. Although your narrative was a little confusing, I was able to keep up with it and understand that these were your thoughts in your head. That added validity to the chaos of jealousy. Sometimes writing needs to be slightly imperfect to be persuasive because that’s the way our brains are. In this passage, it brought me back to that age where this sort of situation can become so obsessive, and it helped me to understand how the female mind thinks - about herself and others.

What the other answerers meant by “too many forms of persons” was the “voice” or who was speaking in the story. First person is yourself, referring to the character as “I.” You used second voice in your story, referring to yourself as “you.” Third person would be separated from the story with the term “they.” You actually used second voice consistently, but what was confusing was the lack of quotes in what people said. Punctuation is tedious, but worth including every time.

Anyway, kudos on putting it out there. Good work for your age!

Answer #5

it sucks… don’t quit your day job.

Answer #6

…okay. First off, - You are speaking in two many forms of Person, and its very confusing..with all the names, and then reverting back to that form of Person… gol!! Also- What ever happened to Alexander, aLEX AND gEORGE?? there should have been something more..leading, conveying something individually about these three people, unlrss you’re never going to mention them, and some way in which they are going to be there for you..and you’ll be able to laugh with them, afterwards, or something! gol!! , When we Read, we Already envision ourselves..if we were in that persons’ shoes’.. Too often, one can say..”Well, I would’nt say..or do this or that.” Your style of Writing, to me, sounds as though you are one of my family members’ telling a scary story at a Bonfire or something- lol If you have a strong passion or desire for somehing, yes, by letting others in, you can see from others’ perspective- ..back to my point- .. you also try to hone your skills to get a proper order and writing tense and style. Proper grammar is what makes you an author-if not, you May get a few personal sales, out of Pity. I dont come up here, often..however, I hope my reply was helpful- I just got a thought. I could take what you have written, and based on how the story made me feel , ai could do it the way I think it should be done.. Here goes!

* I was so ready to get out of Homeroom. I was standing by the door. Ms. Kathy must have sensed my jumpiness, as she called me over to her desk. She was not just my Homeroom Teacher. She was also my Home Economics Teacher, and, my Favorite teacher. She let me call her by her first name, as long as I respectfully put a Ms. in front of it. I felt as though I was her friend, and her favorite as well, so I knew it was okay to stand in front of the class, alone, peering out the door, and down the hallway, with tunnelvision. Jenny, Alexander, October, and George, my classmates and friends, sat at a small table in the corner. They continued disscusing the details of an intimate kiss, yesterday, even though they were supposed to be sewing a small, childs’ pillowcase. I approached the desk frantically.
Yes, Ms. Kathy?! She spoke in a hurried tone, Here, girl. Hurry to the bathroom. After that, go to your next class. I could’nt even tell my crew bye. As I gathered my belongings, pretending not to pay attention, I overheard them talking.
The kiss took place in the school courtyard, where popular Seniors hang out between classes. It did’nt suprise me that the person who he was kissing was..her.

She was some chick that was rumored to be his girlfriend. She had purple, spiky hair and a boys' name, Sammy.  I hated her.  I told myself, everday, "you're so much prettier than her", even if I did sound conceited. I felt she didnt deserve to be with him.

I thought about him all day,everyday. It seems that I was obsessing over him. His name is Braiden. I kept hoping they would break up, if they were indeed together. If you ask me, he was my man. I couldnt stand Sammy, perhaps because he was going out with her instead of me. I certainly was glad I had Jenny to introduce me to Aiden, yesterday. I could always count on Jenny to be there for me. Three strikes, and you’re out, I thought, as he passed me for the second time, in a 1/2 hour. Greeneye High is a one story, five hallway building, so seeing him again, allowed me to feel as though he was following me. Except, he seemed to be in deep thought, and he did’nt glance my way. Was he thinking about me?? Too bad he’s got a girlfriend. (end chapter)

I hurry for the bus and grab a seat midway between, so I’ll be in between the action in the front or the back of the bus. I sit alone. As I get settled into the seat, Braiden appears at the entrance of the door to the bus. He shoves his way through the crowd of just let out of school teenagers and when I look again, he’s sitting next to me.
Crystal, can I talk to you for a second? Braiden asks outright, withought hesitance. Yeah, of course. Crystal answers cheerfully. Sammy broke up with me. Suprisingly, Braiden begins to silently weep, for fear that the other- See?!!

I LOVE THIS STORY!!! I hope I grabbed and KEPT your attention. God Bless and Good luck! Mica

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