We used to talk about having a family when we dated. Two years later, we got married and thought we should wait. This year will be our 19th wedding anniversary. The desire is great with her now (almost all of a sudden) and almost non-existent with me. We've been happy all these years (this is a shared opinion, not just mine) and now we're not. At 46, all I want is to do is live life as we have and focus on our financial security for our retirement days. I don't want to be in my 60's raising a teenager. It saddens me knowing my wife is so unhappy. At the same time, I do not feel the urge to change my mind. I am also afraid that if I give in, I will be miserable and not fun to live with. We hardly ever argue. I think about 5x in 20 years. When we did, I quickly recognized it was my fault, and corrected my action. We almost always see eye-to-eye on issues and life has been great. When we discuss this issue, she cries. I even offered to seek counseling help. Maybe a third party can convince me. My friends that know about this tell me to just give it to her. In the long run, I will be happy. I love her and don't want to lose her. Help - please!
Wow, life is so interesting - always full of surprises, right?!!
First and foremost, you have to bring in the experts. You need an active love coach or counselor that you both admire and appreciate. If not a coach, then a series of classes or marriage workshops that empower you. Seek help outside your marriage. Many couples find smooth sailing for years and years, but when stumble into a real "deal breaker," you don't have the skill set. Together, go find the tools to deal with this issue successfully!!
I've worked with couples in their 40s, 50s and 60s. One of the biggest roadblocks to finding a solution is how stubborn we all get as we get older. So when your friends say "give in," they might really be saying, "Regardless of your decision, you should probably be less stubborn." That kind of openness will point you to a common solution. Sometimes your friends will point to the underlying issue by commenting on something more surface.
The toughest part about this is that there is no compromise. Either you have a kid or you don't. In your 50s, most people are dealing with their sense of leaving a legacy, something behind when you're gone. As a couple, you should sit down and agree on that legacy.
One final note: My dad used to say, "If the whole world says you're a banana, maybe you are." If everyone you trust is recommending something, you should trust them. You are definitely dealing with a fear of commitment. You need to sort that out before you make a decision.
Tell your wife that you need 12 months to work out this issue. Tell her you will make a decision by then. Get her to agree to that. Tell her the pressure is making it harder for you. Then take those 12 months and actively resolve your issues around it. Talk about your fears and resolve them, be a Big Brother (ww.bigbrothersbigsisters.com) for 6 months, or help out the child-care at a school or church, take a few personal development classes, and meditate. After the emotional sting is gone from the issue, then you're be in a rational state where you can really work this out with your wife.
Congratulations on an amazing marriage. My contact info is on my profile. Good luck!
I see your point of view...and I am a woman. If your unsure about having a baby...look in to it...see what makes you unsure....If those things that are causing uncertainty can be solved and you still be happy then have a child. If not, then don't....If you really don't want a child then you shouldn't just give in. The reason she has been wanting a baby "all of the sudden" is probably because she knows her clock is ticking, and soon she may not be able to have one due to the change in life. I also feel that if she is dead set on wanting a child, and has wanted a child then her life will not feel "complete" until that happens. Having a child can bring a lot of happiness to a family....Then when your child has a family and grandchildren come along even more happiness. Have you considered foster care? This may fill her need to care for a child and its not permanent. This may also help you guys test the water for having a child. She may change her mind :) P.S. You sound like a very caring husband...I see why she is so happy with you! Keep up the good work ;)
NO - Don't give in and give her the baby. You will be unhappy the rest of your life if you do. She has no right to expect you to become a father at this age. My wife and I are older now and childfree and we've had a great life and she never wanted to be a mother but if she wanted to bad enough - I would have had to let her go to someone else. Ruining ones person's life to make another one happy is a false theory and we can't be sure she would be happy anyway and what if she wants more than one. I know you love her but it may have to be as people who are divorced and live apart. Don't follow all these suggestions telling you to give in.
MajorHart
The decision to have a child is not one to take lightly. It is a life long commitment. If you do not want a child, don't do it, otherwise, you are doing it for the wrong reason and that will cause problems in the future. If you choose to give in and have a child you may end up resenting her and the child, and eventually leaving the family because you are not happy. Maybe your wife can sponsor a child living in poverty somewhere in the world. Having a child is not a sudden fix to any relationship problem, Children are a lot of hard work, raising a child is a full time job with little or no breaks.
A child is the greatest blessing ever... you say that you dont want kids now but i bet if she ever got pregnant and you go with her to hear that babies first heart beat your life will change and you will wonder how you lived that long without having a kid.... When i first got with my boyfriend he didnt want kids either... but i ended up getting pregnant a couple of months after being with eachother and he wouldnt trade his girls for anything in the world Sit down and weigh your options...What is the worst thing that can come of having a kid let your legasy live on ....
well, 1st of all, if she leaves u, just for that, it's not real!
Second of all, yes, you did mention that the idea of raising a teenager at 60 doesnt appeal to you.
but MAN, you gotsta stop thinking of urself! Marriage is about cooperation, not taking sides or wanting 1 thing!
Hey, I'm no expert - hell, im 13! But I know, from my opinion, that there isnt enough reasons NOT to have kids than there is TO have them? (if you know what I mean)
good luck
x
ok my whole thing about that is u guy's should have talked about that way befor u 2 got marry. cuz' she's going 2 want a baby regardless what u say.that's gonna alway's be on her mind.i say live life 2 the fullest in if that's what your wife want's why not make her happy.+ you only get one life 2 live so live it . in don't worry about the small thing's u may need that baby 2 take care u when u get old. so good luck!!!!
I'm in almost the exact same situation only older than you. I'm 55. She is willing to adopt and I just can't say no and be that selfish. I would do anything to change her mind, but, that is not going to happen. I guess I'll just go through the motions, trying to change, and hope everyone else is right about...once you have them you can't remember not wanting them... At least you know you are not the only one.
Maybe you should have at least one child. You might think you are to old to have kids, but when your child becomes a teenager you will be old enough to do more things with with him/her. Maybe you might be retired and then make it to baseball games or football games or what ever the child might like to do. Their is nothing wrong with having children at a late age. Just think of it as a blessing.
Ok, so like when I was 25 (when we met), the thought of a family sounded good. 21 years have passed and "we" kept letting it go. It always amazes me that people tell me to give in. I wonder if anyone tells her should should give in to me. I seriously doubt it. Is there anyone out there that see's my point of view? Am I that wrong?
Thank you for your kind words xsisx. Foster care is an option we never discussed. Perhaps we can look into it. I also believe that her sudden need is somewhere between the "clock" and "completeness". I say this because she seems to be ok with the idea that if we are not able to conceive, then adoption is perfectly ok.
Thank you.
Adoption is the same thing as far as I am concerned. And she is also well aware of the fact the I don't want children. Should I be unhappy so that she can be happy? Also I really don't believe that giving someone a child is the best way to show someone you love them.
Give her the child..Make her happy..If u wanted a baby and she didnt she'd probably give it to you..haveing children..is the best way to show someone you love them..
Talk to her and tell her you don't want kids. Why don't you adopt a child. Talk it over and see what she says.
That is exactly what I am afraid of dawn69. You hit the hammer right on the head.
If you do have a child it will also bring you and your wife closer together.
your welcome! I know everything will work out great for you both!
ps, I appreciate all the comments -- Thanks!
