My first love and my mistakes...

Me and my ex boyfriend dated for 2 and 1/2 years. He was my first love and first of everything. I am a freshman at a university and he just graduated from a university. I loved him so much and I loved him more than anything. This is how we dated.

I had a crush on me when I was a freshman in high school but I did not know much about him. I had a crush just for fun and it wasn’t something serious. I added him on yahoo messenger and we just talked randomly but we never met in real life. We happened to meet at a b-day party and we met each other for the first time. I guess we felt attracted toward each other. We dated about 2 weeks after that. We were talking on yahoo messenger and he was like “do you like me?” and I asked back “do you like me?” He said “yes” and I also said yes.

I guess we rushed into a relationship without knowing much about each other. Around that time, I was sad and depressed because my parents were too strict. I didn’t have a social life and much friends. I couldn’t go out. When I started dating him, he was everything to me. Everything. I could die for him. I became a jealous person and a mean person because I was afraid to lose him. I called him and forced him to come over to my house any chance I could.

For him, he was more like a traditional guy and family is important to him. I was his first girlfriend. He didn’t do a lot of things that made me feel special but yet I loved him. He couldn’t spend time with me a lot because of his family and he has to be responsible. At first, his family had a good impression on me because I have a good family and a good girl. Then they started to notice that he came over too much (in their views) but it wasn’t much because I only seen him like 1 or twice a week when he came home from school during the weekends. I always begged him to come over and when he rejected me, I broke up with him and would called him back so often and dialed many times. He started to notice that I really loved him and he stopped caring at one point. He asked me to change but I constantly broke up with him. So often in average of 1 time a week. I tried to change but he always made me feel sad. I felt that he puts everything else before me and didn’t try to do things for me. We never gone on a date.

One time, he tried to breakup with me because he said “I am awkward and not a confident person and I don’t know how to carry myself”. I was broken but we gotten back together because I called him. After that day, he kept on criticize me and always pointed out my flaws. He didn’t try to talk to me and sometimes when we were alone, there wasn’t anything else to do or to talk about except for having sex.

But yet, I loved him despite of the fact the that he always pressuring to change into a mature person and always telling me that he felt embarrassed when he was with me, especially in public. I cried and was so hurting but yet I tried to change. He seemed so careless that he didn’t bother to call me when I waited for him and I started to abuse him. I was so hurt and mad that the only I could do was to hit him and make him feel the pain that I feel. Because I feel that I loved someone without that person loved me back. Yet, I broke up with him and made up.

During the summer of last year, that was my summer before college started. First, we fought because his family was too important to him. After high school graduation, my friends have their bfs to go out and spent an evening with them to celebrate. On the other hand, my ex just bought me flowers and went home after my graduation because of a family party. I think it’s just too ridiculous. We fought and he became so sick of me and broke up with me. He rejected my phone calls and it seemed like his mind was set. I cried and I called him so often and he finally came back to me. It seemed like he was being pushed into the relationship.

He often told me that he doesn’t love me. I believed and sometimes I didn’t because he did shown that he loved me. When he went to China to study abroad, he missed me so much that he called me often straight from the hotel which it is kind of expensive. He went to Hawaii to visit his parents and came back to see me right away without showering. Everyone said “he is a good guy and I am so fortunate to have him”. Everyone liked him to be my boyfriend including my family.

After first difficult month of my senior year, we started to be good again. He came over often and we had fun together. He agreed to stay at home and take me to school because were in the same university. He stayed home and we went to school together. I guess around that time he started to love me a lot. He would held my hands and said “I am so lucky”. I started to feel the love from him but the fights started to happen during November. I kept on remember all the bad time and all the bad moments that he treated me and wasn’t to happy with him sometimes. I felt that he wasn’t open up to me so we started to argue. I couldn’t let the bad past go and move on to a better path with him.

Our fight started when he was annoyed at me because I called him when he was studying with a friend at school. He made it sounded like he didn’t want me to come over. I just got back to school from another campus. Then I started to think of the bad past and how he treated me. After he was done studying, he came and looked for me. I was pissed and started to scream and yell at him in the car. The whole way home. He cried and this kept on happening.

I often asked him to stay at my house after we get home from school but he had things to do. I did everything I could to make him stay. When he disagreed no matter what I said to him, I started to abuse and hit him so much physically. He did everything that he could to get away and I started to hurt myself but he didn’t care. That kept on happening because I felt that he didn’t care for me. Each time, he became more cruel toward me. He stopped caring and if I jumped of a clip and he wouldn’t care. That was how I felt. But yet I loved him and tried so hard to change and tried to become a girl that he would be proud of. From time to time, he always said “he doesn’t want to be with me and he was just pretending and he is not happy”. I kept on abusing him after he said that. He decided to break up with me for good last month. But I used the pregnant excuse and gotten him back.

He came back and noticed that I wasn’t pregnant. It was so hard to get him back and he said “one last chance but at the same time, he said he was just doing it for me but sometimes I felt that he did love me”. Things were good for 3 weeks. Then 10 days ago, during the memorial weekend, I told him I would like to go to the beach 3 times. He was busy so I understood. The next day he promised to take me after he gets home from church around 4. I got dressed and waited until 4. No one called and no one picked up when I called. I was so mad while waiting for him. Around 7 he called back. I was mad so I acted like a kid crying and yelling at him. I kicked around on the floor. It was because I thought he is coming over but I guess not. He said he is going to spend time with his family and friend. Then I begged him. He disagreed for a long time then finally agreed. I got so mad and I felt like I wanted to die. I drove over to his house in high speed. He came out and noticed how angry I was. he was drawn back. I parked at a place near his house and started to bite and hit him. I was so mad and demanded his cell phone. He gave it to me and I started to hit him. He took the cell phone and ran way. I begged for him to come back but he wouldn’t. He walked away from me. I called him and called him and cried and begged him to see me and make everything all right. I promised I wouldn’t do it again. He finally agreed to see me but onli gave me 10 mns. He came and I begged him to forgive me and to stay with me. He said “no”. I hit myself and cried so much but he didn’t care. He did everything to get away from me and he said “I will block you from everything and never talk to you again”. I didn’t talk to him then and I was in hell. He canceled his phone so I couldn’t reach him. I sent him a lot of messages on his gmail, fb, yahoo but he didn’t respond. Then I decided to come over to his house. It was humiliating because his family disliked me and they known that “he is only with me because he feels pity for me and he is only being with me for the time being”. He didn’t want to see me when I came and his sister let me in. I came and he said “please go away” and said the most hurtful things toward me. I walked away with a broken heart. That was 3 days after we broke up. That night he got online and talked to me and said “please move on and he has no feelings toward me”. He stopped to talk to me after that. On Sat. I missed him so much after hanging out with my friend and came over 12 at night to see him. Everyone was sleep except him and his brother. He was trying to put his niece to sleep. He was sitting in front of a laptop and stared at pictures and not doing anything. I in a way saw some tears in his eyes but I might be mistaken. He was being cruel to me and asked me to go and said “don’t make me force you”. I wanted to go to the car and talk to me but he disagreed. I got so desperate and stole his package and sat in the car to wait for him. He didn’t want to go out so he asked his brother to go out to get his package back. His brother came and talked to me. We talked for more than 1 hour and it was a good conversation. His brother promised that he will talk to my ex about it and ask him to go online to talk to me and at least be my friend because that is the onli thing I wanted. He went online that Sunday and talked to me. I got so jealous of the fact that he was having fun with his friends, going to the beach and did all those stuffs without me. Then I sent him a letter and said “let’s just be each other good friends and I love you like a friend. Please don’t be cold and ignore me”. He got online often and started to talk to me yesterday for a long time. Somehow I missed him and in a way, I asked him to come back. He disagreed and said “impossible and he has no feelings for me”. Then I started to miss him so so much. I couldn’t control myself. He talked to me around 5 something and I asked him to come back. He said the same thing. I went to class after that and took the quiz. After finished taking the quiz, I felt like everything just crashed and I walked out of my class. I got online and begged him to come back and I would do anything for him. I told him that it was my fault and I really regretted. I wanted everything to be all right again. My grades are falling because of him and I am dying. Please come back. He said “no and deal with it yourself and he will never talk to me ever again and this conversation is our last conversation”. After that I just crashed. I couldn’t eat/sleep/ and wanted to die. I was thinking about attempting a suicide. I went to my cousin’s house looking all crazy. She was so worried about me and I spent the entire night writing him so many messages. Beg him to come back and asked my friend to send him one. He didn’t reply back and I just sent him a message to say that I just wanted to be my friend and I am sorry. He didn’t reply back. He said “he doesn’t want a girlfriend like me and everything is too late. He won’t go back out with me ever again or communicate to me”. Right now, I am in bed feeling hopeless. I feel like dying. Today would be the day that I would see him if everything is all right. His house is only 5 mns away from me but I have no more face to come over and ask for him. Besides I don’t think he would want to see me.

What should I do? It is hopeless? My grades are falling and I don’t care about anything. I just wanted to die and I miss him so much. It has been 10 days already and we never broken up this long. We were always gotten back together after 2 days of break up. He said “he was only with me and stayed this long because he pitied me and he was being a nice guy”. My world is dying and I couldn’t see or contact him.

What should I do at this point? It is really over?

Please tell me what to do. Does he has feelings toward me? Does he miss me after a while if I stop sending messages?

I care for him so much and if he would be nicer and put more efforts into the relationship then bad things won’t happen. I love him more than I loved myself and willing to do anything because of him and anything for him.

It is hopeless? Now I am just laying here and blame myself. I feel so guilty of what I have done. It was my fault that we had a bad relationship. I could do things different.

Please reply back and I feel so hopeless.

Answer #1

You will be fine I promise hun. You made some mistakes and you might not ever be with him again, but you gotta face that. I know what its like everyone does. It will be ok eventually, just face it slip into your studies like no other, you will be fine

Answer #2

Wow that’s long

Answer #3

My ex boyfriend acted like he would do antyhign for me to be his girl, he said he loved me more than anything in the world, I got with him, and he acted completely cold towards me, hr acted towards me the way you describe your ex how he did not seem to care, but where you ex was with family, mine was always with friends, I was the least important thing in the world to him, so I know that desperate feeling of wanting them to show you they love you. it hurts, it was like 9 months ago but it still hurts to think about it. Im only 15, I know thats really young but I do actually know what im talking about haha. I just seen that you posted this like 8 months ago I dont know if you have progressed and got on with your education or what, but if you are still in a similar situation, I advise you forget about everything and just focus on your education, im only 15 and I already nearly ruined my education…im getting on top of it now, I had suicidal thoughts and I just wanted to die but was too scared to commit suicide. I think you would have realised by now that it is over (unless he has given in and gotten back with you…I dont know) some of these people were a bit harsh… I dont even know your age, but if your still in need of talking or anything, you can talk to me, becaues reading your story, reminded me a hell of a lot about me and my ex, some of the people who answered your question obviously dont know the feeling, its understandable how you felt, as we know your actions could have been controlled but I get that too because I was a b*tch to my ex , but if you ask me, he deserved most of it haha. if you wanna talk jjust send me a message xxx good luck I really hope your grades have picked up xx (its the future that matters, the pain from the past will soon only be a memory, just look to the future and focus on what you want in life, and if that is your ex, then find something else to work for…good luck hun xx)

Answer #4

woowww whay can I say about this look ma I know how it is to not feel wanted I’ve been in your situation and it amazes me bkuz everything you felt I felt I know how it feels when you love em so much you abuse em and you tthrow anything that is possible to hurt em bkuz you felt that pain but look babe he doesnt see it your way you aint crazy and you dont have problems dont listen to thess hoes. I cant relly say if you loved him o if this was obbsession uz I didnt know what I was feeling look im sorry but this happens to the good of us and we all habe lost something that wil effect us for a while it took me some odd years and I still havent forgave him for hurting me you see he got a girl pregnant while living with me. but I didnt care I loved him too much to care I could share him if I could if it ment just having him in my life, I too wanted to kill my self when I would talk to him I would get the chills up my spine because he ment so much to me I couldnt bare lose him again well it happens hon and you just got to live without him I always say ‘one day you’ll open your eyes and realize you had something good infront of your eyes once’ and maybe it will be too late. til this day I feel pain because now I blame ever guy for him putting me through hell well babe just try to forgive and forgett for the best I hope this helped to know your not alone. meli

Answer #5

obviously its over, hes not gonna come back to you and I dont blame him. if I were in his shoes, I wouldnt have taken you back the second time you pulled that. if you really loved him you would accept the fact that he was busy, and be happy for what time you got to spend with him. the only advice I have for you is to grow up a bit, dont go into hysterics if you dont get what you want. you are young, your gonna have lots of relationships that dont always go as planned. all I can say is good luck I wish the best for ya.

xxx

Answer #6

I know I did. That is why I feel so guilty. I wanted to make up for all the bad things that I have done. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to fix things. Are there any ways I can do that?

I am a horrible person and I know.

Answer #7

you should feel guilty, you treated him horribly, and you need to leave him alone. its obvious that he doesnt want to be with you, find someone else who will put up with you.

Answer #8

sweetie, you have to give him so space for gods sake! you cant expect to be anywhere you want him to be. Give him some time time to think and if he really loves you, he will come for you.

Answer #9

no offence, but maybe you have problems?

Answer #10

im surprised he didnt put a restraining order against you you treated him horribly its too late I suggest this remove him from your life meaning get rid of all the stuff hes givin you return all his stuff, remove him your messengers list and all that cause he doesnt want you to talk to him anymore after this ull begin to forget about him thats what you want to happen hope this helps~ctv~

Answer #11

I don’t know. I just don’t feel happy sometimes. But I really love him and are willing to do anything for him.

Answer #12

This sAme thing happened to me and what I did is started hanging out with my friends more and spending more time with my family. Trust me feels a lot better

Answer #13

you guys broke up like 17 times, and you said that everytime. Not to be mean but I don’t blame him for not believing you… You want attension, which is normal, every girl wants a guy that will dote on her, you just have to find that guy. Get over him. He was mean to you, and you were mean to him. It’s not all your fault, it was a two way thing but it will get better in time. Your not gunna like it, but your gunna get used to it…

Answer #14

you just want him around to keep abusing him…u never make the smae mistakes twice especially if you love the person, its your lost, now let him live his life with someone who would treat him the way he need to be treated.

Answer #15

why would your relationship work now if it didnt work the other 30 times? just get your life on track and work on your people skills. it works out in the end. I know.

Answer #16

I advise, he basiclly hates you now and he only satyed with you because of pity, I think you get over it and improve your grades get a good job when you finish uni. look he doesn’t love you anymore if he ever did, theres pletty of fish in the sea theres over 7 billion people in the world get one of them.

Answer #17

woowww whay can I say about this look ma I know how it is to not feel wanted I’ve been in your situation and it amazes me bkuz everything you felt I felt I know how it feels when you love em so much you abuse em and you tthrow anything that is possible to hurt em bkuz you felt that pain but look babe he doesnt see it your way you aint crazy and you dont have problems dont listen to thess hoezs. I cant relly say if you loved him o if this was obbsession uz I didnt know what I was feeling look im sorry but this happens to the good of us and we all habe lost something that wil effect us for a while it took me some odd years and I still havent forgave him for hurting me you see he got a girl pregnant while living with me. but I didnt care I loved him too much to care I could share him if I could if it ment just having him in my life, I too wanted to kill my self when I would talk to him I would get the chills up my spine because he ment so much to me I couldnt bare lose him again well it happens hon and you just got to live without him I always say ‘one day you’ll open your eyes and realize you had something good infront of your eyes once’ and maybe it will be too late. til this day I feel pain because now I blame ever guy for him putting me through hell well babe just try to forgive and forgett for the best I hope this helped to know your not alone.

Answer #18

baby..everything happens for a reason; it’s over & you will experiences something SO much better…you’ll look back at this and laugh at how upset you were…you think it won’t ever get better…but trust me babe it will

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