My first love and my mistakes...

Me and my ex boyfriend dated for 2 and 1/2 years. He was my first love and first of everything. I am a freshman at a university and he just graduated from a university. I loved him so much and I loved him more than anything. This is how we dated.

I had a crush on me when I was a freshman in high school but I did not know much about him. I had a crush just for fun and it wasn’t something serious. I added him on yahoo messenger and we just talked randomly but we never met in real life. We happened to meet at a b-day party and we met each other for the first time. I guess we felt attracted toward each other. We dated about 2 weeks after that. We were talking on yahoo messenger and he was like “do you like me?” and I asked back “do you like me?” He said “yes” and I also said yes.

I guess we rushed into a relationship without knowing much about each other. Around that time, I was sad and depressed because my parents were too strict. I didn’t have a social life and much friends. I couldn’t go out. When I started dating him, he was everything to me. Everything. I could die for him. I became a jealous person and a mean person because I was afraid to lose him. I called him and forced him to come over to my house any chance I could.

For him, he was more like a traditional guy and family is important to him. I was his first girlfriend. He didn’t do a lot of things that made me feel special but yet I loved him. He couldn’t spend time with me a lot because of his family and he has to be responsible. At first, his family had a good impression on me because I have a good family and a good girl. Then they started to notice that he came over too much (in their views) but it wasn’t much because I only seen him like 1 or twice a week when he came home from school during the weekends. I always begged him to come over and when he rejected me, I broke up with him and would called him back so often and dialed many times. He started to notice that I really loved him and he stopped caring at one point. He asked me to change but I constantly broke up with him. So often in average of 1 time a week. I tried to change but he always made me feel sad. I felt that he puts everything else before me and didn’t try to do things for me. We never gone on a date.

One time, he tried to breakup with me because he said “I am awkward and not a confident person and I don’t know how to carry myself”. I was broken but we gotten back together because I called him. After that day, he kept on criticize me and always pointed out my flaws. He didn’t try to talk to me and sometimes when we were alone, there wasn’t anything else to do or to talk about except for having sex.

But yet, I loved him despite of the fact the that he always pressuring to change into a mature person and always telling me that he felt embarrassed when he was with me, especially in public. I cried and was so hurting but yet I tried to change. He seemed so careless that he didn’t bother to call me when I waited for him and I started to abuse him. I was so hurt and mad that the only I could do was to hit him and make him feel the pain that I feel. Because I feel that I loved someone without that person loved me back. Yet, I broke up with him and made up.

During the summer of last year, that was my summer before college started. First, we fought because his family was too important to him. After high school graduation, my friends have their bfs to go out and spent an evening with them to celebrate. On the other hand, my ex just bought me flowers and went home after my graduation because of a family party. I think it’s just too ridiculous. We fought and he became so sick of me and broke up with me. He rejected my phone calls and it seemed like his mind was set. I cried and I called him so often and he finally came back to me. It seemed like he was being pushed into the relationship.

He often told me that he doesn’t love me. I believed and sometimes I didn’t because he did shown that he loved me. When he went to China to study abroad, he missed me so much that he called me often straight from the hotel which it is kind of expensive. He went to Hawaii to visit his parents and came back to see me right away without showering. Everyone said “he is a good guy and I am so fortunate to have him”. Everyone liked him to be my boyfriend including my family.

After first difficult month of my senior year, we started to be good again. He came over often and we had fun together. He agreed to stay at home and take me to school because were in the same university. He stayed home and we went to school together. I guess around that time he started to love me a lot. He would held my hands and said “I am so lucky”. I started to feel the love from him but the fights started to happen during November. I kept on remember all the bad time and all the bad moments that he treated me and wasn’t to happy with him sometimes. I felt that he wasn’t open up to me so we started to argue. I couldn’t let the bad past go and move on to a better path with him.

Our fight started when he was annoyed at me because I called him when he was studying with a friend at school. He made it sounded like he didn’t want me to come over. I just got back to school from another campus. Then I started to think of the bad past and how he treated me. After he was done studying, he came and looked for me. I was pissed and started to scream and yell at him in the car. The whole way home. He cried and this kept on happening.

I often asked him to stay at my house after we get home from school but he had things to do. I did everything I could to make him stay. When he disagreed no matter what I said to him, I started to abuse and hit him so much physically. He did everything that he could to get away and I started to hurt myself but he didn’t care. That kept on happening because I felt that he didn’t care for me. Each time, he became more cruel toward me. He stopped caring and if I jumped of a clip and he wouldn’t care. That was how I felt. But yet I loved him and tried so hard to change and tried to become a girl that he would be proud of. From time to time, he always said “he doesn’t want to be with me and he was just pretending and he is not happy”. I kept on abusing him after he said that. He decided to break up with me for good last month. But I used the pregnant excuse and gotten him back.

He came back and noticed that I wasn’t pregnant. It was so hard to get him back and he said “one last chance but at the same time, he said he was just doing it for me but sometimes I felt that he did love me”. Things were good for 3 weeks. Then 10 days ago, during the memorial weekend, I told him I would like to go to the beach 3 times. He was busy so I understood. The next day he promised to take me after he gets home from church around 4. I got dressed and waited until 4. No one called and no one picked up when I called. I was so mad while waiting for him. Around 7 he called back. I was mad so I acted like a kid crying and yelling at him. I kicked around on the floor. It was because I thought he is coming over but I guess not. He said he is going to spend time with his family and friend. Then I begged him. He disagreed for a long time then finally agreed. I got so mad and I felt like I wanted to die. I drove over to his house in high speed. He came out and noticed how angry I was. he was drawn back. I parked at a place near his house and started to bite and hit him. I was so mad and demanded his cell phone. He gave it to me and I started to hit him. He took the cell phone and ran way. I begged for him to come back but he wouldn’t. He walked away from me. I called him and called him and cried and begged him to see me and make everything all right. I promised I wouldn’t do it again. He finally agreed to see me but onli gave me 10 mns. He came and I begged him to forgive me and to stay with me. He said “no”. I hit myself and cried so much but he didn’t care. He did everything to get away from me and he said “I will block you from everything and never talk to you again”. I didn’t talk to him then and I was in hell. He canceled his phone so I couldn’t reach him. I sent him a lot of messages on his gmail, fb, yahoo but he didn’t respond. Then I decided to come over to his house. It was humiliating because his family disliked me and they known that “he is only with me because he feels pity for me and he is only being with me for the time being”. He didn’t want to see me when I came and his sister let me in. I came and he said “please go away” and said the most hurtful things toward me. I walked away with a broken heart. That was 3 days after we broke up. That night he got online and talked to me and said “please move on and he has no feelings toward me”. He stopped to talk to me after that. On Sat. I missed him so much after hanging out with my friend and came over 12 at night to see him. Everyone was sleep except him and his brother. He was trying to put his niece to sleep. He was sitting in front of a laptop and stared at pictures and not doing anything. I in a way saw some tears in his eyes but I might be mistaken. He was being cruel to me and asked me to go and said “don’t make me force you”. I wanted to go to the car and talk to me but he disagreed. I got so desperate and stole his package and sat in the car to wait for him. He didn’t want to go out so he asked his brother to go out to get his package back. His brother came and talked to me. We talked for more than 1 hour and it was a good conversation. His brother promised that he will talk to my ex about it and ask him to go online to talk to me and at least be my friend because that is the onli thing I wanted. He went online that Sunday and talked to me. I got so jealous of the fact that he was having fun with his friends, going to the beach and did all those stuffs without me. Then I sent him a letter and said “let’s just be each other good friends and I love you like a friend. Please don’t be cold and ignore me”. He got online often and started to talk to me yesterday for a long time. Somehow I missed him and in a way, I asked him to come back. He disagreed and said “impossible and he has no feelings for me”. Then I started to miss him so so much. I couldn’t control myself. He talked to me around 5 something and I asked him to come back. He said the same thing. I went to class after that and took the quiz. After finished taking the quiz, I felt like everything just crashed and I walked out of my class. I got online and begged him to come back and I would do anything for him. I told him that it was my fault and I really regretted. I wanted everything to be all right again. My grades are falling because of him and I am dying. Please come back. He said “no and deal with it yourself and he will never talk to me ever again and this conversation is our last conversation”. After that I just crashed. I couldn’t eat/sleep/ and wanted to die. I was thinking about attempting a suicide. I went to my cousin’s house looking all crazy. She was so worried about me and I spent the entire night writing him so many messages. Beg him to come back and asked my friend to send him one. He didn’t reply back and I just sent him a message to say that I just wanted to be my friend and I am sorry. He didn’t reply back. He said “he doesn’t want a girlfriend like me and everything is too late. He won’t go back out with me ever again or communicate to me”. Right now, I am in bed feeling hopeless. I feel like dying. Today would be the day that I would see him if everything is all right. His house is only 5 mns away from me but I have no more face to come over and ask for him. Besides I don’t think he would want to see me.

What should I do? It is hopeless? My grades are falling and I don’t care about anything. I just wanted to die and I miss him so much. It has been 10 days already and we never broken up this long. We were always gotten back together after 2 days of break up. He said “he was only with me and stayed this long because he pitied me and he was being a nice guy”. My world is dying and I couldn’t see or contact him.

What should I do at this point? It is really over?

Please tell me what to do. Does he has feelings toward me? Does he miss me after a while if I stop sending messages?

I care for him so much and if he would be nicer and put more efforts into the relationship then bad things won’t happen. I love him more than I loved myself and willing to do anything because of him and anything for him.

It is hopeless? Now I am just laying here and blame myself. I feel so guilty of what I have done. It was my fault that we had a bad relationship. I could do things different.

Please reply back and I feel so hopeless.