my 17year old daughterr hates me

Hmmm. You’ve got a tricky situation here.

You’re right, if you want to protect your daughter it seems that your only choice here is to play the bad guy.

I think if you haven’t already, you need to play to your daughter a little bit. It sounds like she feels like you don’t understand. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to her, but in a very specific way. What I’d do is say to her “look, you have this person in your life. And I understand that you feel I don’t get what’s going on. And I want to support you, I love you, I want to be here for you, so I’m here, and I’m going to listen to you without saying anything so that I can really understand what’s going on.” My advice is, no matter how difficult, sit there and listen to her. No matter how difficult, DON’T SAY A WORD. She’s young, to her what she’s doing makes perfect sense, and unless you listen and really REALLY try to see where she’s coming from, she will not listen to YOU.

Make sure you get her to tell you everything she has to say. Resist the urge to immediately tell her what you think. I know she’s your daughter and you want to protect her, but in her mind, she’s an adult.

My parents had a really great method with me. They’d never tell me what to do, they’d just offer me advice. It was a great thing, because it made me feel like I was being treated like an adult. It made me feel like my parents respected me. And in this scenario, she’s young, yes, but she’s not a child, and she’ll resent you if you make her feel that way. In fact, if you TELL her what to do as opposed to offer her advice, she may go against you just for the sake if it. She doesn’t hate YOU, she just hates the situation and hates feeling misunderstood by someone she loves. So listen to what she has to say and how she feels, think about it, and give her advice as though you were giving it to a friend. She is much more likely to think about what you have to say in that way. I’d maybe try something like

“Well, I can see how deeply you feel about her, you’ve known her for a while, and I know you really want to help her because you care (you might not completely agree, but you need to make her feel like you get it). That’s wonderful, and I’m proud that you want to help someone who needs you.. You’re an adult now, so I’m just going to give you some advice - My advice is that you have to take care of yourself too. Marraige is a big commitment - I know you know that - but if you’re going to be spending the rest of your lives together anyway, there’s no need to rush. I remember a friend of mine got into a relationship with a guy who was severely depressed and XYZ happened. Really what that guy needed wasn’t a marraige, it was help from someone who really understood depression and could help him - all she could do was be there. But because she rushed into marraige with a guy who wasn’t entirely himself, she was miserable and ended up resenting him. He emotionally blackmailed her everytime she had to try to do something for herself. No, I’m not in this relationship, so I don’t know, but you need to ask yourself what you’re getting out of it. Realtionships - particularly those that end in marraige - have GOT to be a two way street, if not they can make you miserable. I’d hate to see that happen to you, you deserve to be happy.” Do you see the angle I’m going for? You’ve got to listen to her, do your best to understand how she’s feeling, and then give her advice as gently as you possibly can. In relation to the whole moving in thing, I would say something like:

“I see a lot of hurt in your friend. A lot of it. And I think that’s very sad, no one deserves that. But I have a few reasons why I’d rather not have her come live with us. The first one is, although you love her, this girl is a stranger to me, and she’s a stranger who has a lot of things she needs to deal with. I don’t feel like moving in here is going to help her, because I’ll feel responsible for her - I’m a mother, it’s how I work. And I don’t know how I could help that girl. My experience of people with problems like this have been largely destructive and negative, and my home is my safe haven. If she is in this house, her issues will take it over - and I know she wouldn’t mean them too, but they would. And I don’t think I can handle that. I’m afraid I’ll make things worse, I’ll feel unsafe in my own house, and most of all, I’m afraid the way I’d act would push you away. And I can’t have that happen. People like your friend need to learn to stand on their own feet, what they really need is to stand on their own two feet, and I don’t think we can help her do that - only she can do that for herself. The change she needs has to come from HER, and moving in with a family that don’t understand her is going to make her feel worse. Honey, I love you, and I will support you through anything, but I’m so sorry, I just have to put my foot down here. You’re in a tough situation - I know that now, and I’ll be here for you in any other way that I can be. “

From the way I’ve phrased it, you’re sharing your fears and your feelings, and that’s okay. You’re a person too, and if you’re going to treat your daughter like an adult, it’s okay for you to tell her how you feel (tactfully). You’re older than her, you’re much wiser, but who of us knew how much wiser we’d be when we were 17? That’s why she won’t understand you unless she feels like YOU understand her first.

I understand that you love your daughter, and it’ll be very hard for you too control your feelings when you feel she’s in danger. But I’m telling you, keeping calm, trying to talk to her person to person instead of mother to daughter might be your only way at getting through to her. I’d be very careful about talking to her friends - she could perceive that as going behind her back, which she won’t like at all. And if at any point during what you have to say, she objects or gets angry, stop and listen to her (that’s bloody hard to do, but it will be worth it). She may be aggressive, appear irrational when you listen to her, but please please please keep your cool, and do your best to just take it in. Remember: She’s young. She’s passionate. She’s in a relationship - whether it’s a good one or a bad one is irrelevant, you know what it’s like to be blinded by your first love, and only afterwards do you see the logic and the light. Try to put yourself into her shoes, and then give her whatever advice you can. Support her. This conversation may take a lot of tears, a lot of hours, but it is WORTH having. It is worth the emotional effort if it will help you reconnect with her.

Don’t let anger dominate anything you say, keep love at the heart of everything. It’s cheesey, but it’ll help you keep calm. Don’t shout. If she shouts, if she gets mad at you, tell her you love her. Love is always more effective than anger. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say - the approach I’m advising is grounded in love and respect, and if she can see those two things there, she’s likely to respond in some way.

I really hope this helps, You are in such a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. I can’t say that enough!

Take care.