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My mother was shot to death in 1995 What the hell do I do?

I don’t know really where to post this and I’ve never wrote about this before despite my love for blogging and writing in a journal but lately I’ve been having a lot of nightmares and waking up to shows like snapped and unsolved mysterys that are all based on real life murderers.

I’ve never publicly talked about this so it’s kind of weird, I don’t know I just don’t really like sympathy.

My mother was shot to death in 1995 when I was 4 years old. Her murderer is still in jail.. for 12 more years and the girls that helped kidnap her only got maxinum of 2 years.. in fact I looked one up on a social site and messaged her from a private account hoping to get some answers.

Last feburary I had bought a lemon car and I was trying to re sell it through craigslist.. I got emails from a David Tavares which is the last name of the name who killed my mother.. I did some digging and asked some questions, asking if he knew a Joseph (the first name of the man who killed her) He told me he was his dad with other questions I found out he was in jail for 12 more years for murder and when he came to look at the car I had asked if he was in jail for murdering Cynthia Bates and he said yes and I told him I was her daughter.. He didn’t care and changed the subject (Not like I hold that against him)

Anyways I’ve tried emailing him again trying to get an address for his dad because I want to write him a letter but I haven’t had any luck. I just really want to know what compells someone to do something like that it’s the most selfish act that I’ve ever seen.

I’m 19 and I’m so confused in my life right now and I keep thinking “What if” and I KNOW for sure things would be so much easier if this had never happened. Being raised with a single parent when other wise I wouldn’t have been.. I’m not saying my parents would be together because my mother had kids from 3 different guys and she wasn’t with my father when she died, in fact she was killed by her boyfriend. I just want to know and I know it’s something that I will never figure out but I can atleast try and figure out what the hell he was thinking and if he was thinking about how this was going to affect the rest of my life and the life of my brother and sister. He took my entire life and just completely changed it, it could have been better or it could have been worse but either way I’ll never know and I think I’m angry about that but I don’t know how to deal with it!

What the hell do I do? I don’t want to dwell on this but I don’t know an outlet for it.

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Answer #1

Hi, first off I’m so sorry for your loss, and second, I know from experiance what you are going through. Only in my case its a little more twisted. My father killed my mother when I was 21. I’m only 26 now so this is still somewhat recent. My father had not been a part of my life since I was11. Even before that all I remember clearly about him was that he was a drunk and a woman beater. He never layed a hand on us kids. So for me growing up it was very confusing. I just went to Walla Walla state prison August 14th, My 26th birthday, for the first time since my mothers murder. I had all the same questions flying thru my mind as you do now. I almost couldn’t ask them fast enough. I was looking for answers to understand why? How? What was he thinking? WAS he thinking? Does he regret it? WHY?! But I must be honest…I now know all the answers, but am still confused and inraged as the day it happened. I no my father regrets his actions, but were the regret comes from I don’t know. It could be self pitty. It could be because me and my siblings no longer have a mother and he knows he is responsible. It could be because he did it when he was intoxicated and under the influence of drugs and wasnt in his right mind. I don’t really know. And have come to live with the fact that I may never. People do crazy things. Unexplainable, unexcusable, sometimes horrid things. And even if they tried to expain why, you could never truely know, understand, or trust that the answer they gave is true. The only one who knows why is that person. Again sweetie I’m so very sorry for your loss and my heart hurts for you. Just know that atleast one other person out there (me) knows EXACTLY what your feeling. Unfortunatly even if or when the day comes for you to ask your questions to that man, it will not ease your heart and pain. I recommend just trying to live your life. Talking to him will just make your pain worse. It brings up all those feelings fresh. Message me if you ever need to talk.

Answer #2

IMHO, you should consult with a psychiatrist. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because a psychiatrist would be capable of bringing out the right questions which might help you overcome your confusion.

Personally, I think it is a bad idea to try to contact him. He can’t really give you an explanation that will make up for your lost time and connection with your mother. All he can do is reinforce your loss and act as a reminder that lets you dwell on what he has taken from you.

Simply a Rose to brighten your day, And maybe lessen the cares in your way; And also, too, to help you to know, That in knowing you, many others grow!

Answer #3

First off I read everything you had to say and I didn’t even know you were 16, it was really mature and I’m not ignoring any of it. Thank you for actually reading it. And I don’t know how the title of my subject got changed but oh well. I’m really sorry for what happened with you I know saying sorry to anyone really doesn’t do any good but it’s nice to know that people aren’t just shrugging something like that off their shoulders when people are going through hard times.

I have my boyfriend in my life whose currently on a bus back here but he’s the kind of person who has no idea what to say in a situation where someone might need a shoulder lol.. the last time I told him I wanted to write him he offended me by telling me that it was a stupid idea but I guess he can’t understand. He want’s to talk to the father that abandonded him and get answers from him so I figured we’d have a common ground.

Truth is I rather talk to strangers about it then people I know, everyone who knows me thinks that if I talk about something like this that it’s not bothering me and well they just don’t know what to say I never try and seem vounerable because it’s very different for me and I don’t want people to think I’m weak. I doubt my dad will talk to me about it I don’t know we’ve just never talked about it.. I don’t want to hurt him by letting him think I’m hurting when I’m not even sure if I am lol that’s how confused I am.. Whoooppp deee funnn.

But I did message the woman who was involed in the kidnapping. I’m trying to coax her instant messaging name out of her, she lives in my city, since this city is about 30 minutes from where she and I were living in 1995, she hangs out at a bar that is next door to the pool place that I play at. As soon as I get her messaging name or phone number I will tell her who I am and I hope she wants to talk to me and explain what happened. If not I doubt I’ll ever figure this out.

Answer #4

woah..I dont know what to say…but I’m definitely not gonna pull out the sympathy card because thats not what you need rite now…you need answers

Are you doing this all on your own??? It seems like answers is what your striving for and its completely normal…Now you probably think im talking crap because im young..but just a few months ago I had my cuzin murdered by his girlfriends friend…now I know that doesnt compare with your situation..but the first thing that came to his siblings mind were “I want to kill that guy” and second was finding out answers…

Unfortunately..or I dont know how the family sees this but…that guy only got 5 years in jail for “manslaughter”…Now is that fair??? I dont want to drag on the subject but just 2 weeks ago that guy was murdered in Jail, by the word getting through of my cuzins death…now we will never know why he did what he did

All I can say is your at age where your still trying to find yourself..and answers is definitly the thing to put you at peace for the moment…all I can say is be strong and try and bring another person into the picture to help you go to where you wanna get..

I know …I’m 16..and I understand if you ignore this..but I just read your question and desperately wanted to help you considering what I’ve gone through in such little time…except mine doesnt compare to your situation…no it doesnt..instead mine just invloved growing up around a household of Alcohol and abuse..

So youve got a family, and try to bring another person into the picture..your a young adult..people will have more respect for you now and be understanding of your need of help and confusion…Be more open and try to bring your dad into itif possible

This is probably another worthless piece of advice youve received in your life..but just wanted to help

Sorry

Answer #5

Oh, and one more piece of advice, pertaining to your question for an outlet. Pick up a new sport. Boxing, Kickboxing, martial arts, yoga, anything that will focus on meditation,. and the fact that you can kick the crap out of a sparring partner or boxing bag helps too… ;)

Answer #6

I just read all this and im sorry for your loss and yeahh sorry doesnt always seem to do it I’ve also lost my dad so I know the pain your going through without a parent, and im not sure quite what to say here, but becaful I know you want answers but make sure your not going to do anything dangerous as im sure your mum wouldnt want that, sorry if this doesnt make any sense or out and goodluck xxx

My mother was shot to death in 1995 What the hell do I do?

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