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Should I move out to keep my sanity, or stay and go nuts?

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Hey Everyone,

Being the scape goat in the family I have been tormented, abused (physically, mentally, emotionally and any other way possible) and ripped to pieces inside over the years of my life. I am 18 very soon to be 19 and I am losing my sanity here.

First of all let’s start with me. I can be a demanding person with high defense levels. I have trouble listening to the word “no” and I can be manipulating. I have been through years and years of counseling from physiatrists to school youth workers and family and children services. I have been but on and have tried almost every anti depressant on the market because I have been thought to have something wrong with me.

I have been through a lot of torment, abuse, and bullying in my life from neighbors, to boyfriends to parents to siblings to myself. There was a point in time where I was extremely suicidal and would cut myself to ease the pain caused by abusive ex-boyfriends and the unsupportive house that I live in.

It might seem like I am pointing the fingers at everyone else, and I am aware that most people out there do blame everyone else and do not take responsibility for their own actions. I have had many of people come into this house and witness the cruelty, cold hearted comments and unfairness shown towards me and all that has been said is “you need to get yourself out of that house.”

Let me introduce you to the family I have to live with.

My so called “Mom” is judgmental, cruel and blunt. I have been overweight for the majority of my life and she had me on a diet at the age of 7. She has gone as so far as to take pictures of me when I was crying, or upset when I was little and shown them to me later on in my life and had the nerve to say “see what you were like, and still are?”

The only time I am able to talk to her is when she is having smoke breaks in the garage. Just so happens that I have Asthma. After she was done her smokes, she would go back in side whether I was done talking or not and go back to her regular “cleaning the house is more important than anything else attitude”.

When I have needed a supportive mother she would always be criticizing everything that I do as well as my weight. I try to have a decent conversation with her and it ends up in an argument over my weight and what I should be doing to change it. I know she means well in some strange way but she has not stopped to think that she might be destroying my self confidence, while she tells me to get more of. She never had a mother influence so I am not sure if my mom knows how to BE a mom in the first place.

My dad however did have parents, parents that were never good to him. His dad would always be beating him and he was the middle child and stuck out like a soar thumb. He has taken some of his lived misery out on me. He has beaten me until the point I needed to go to the hospital for urgent care. I have had many concussions from his abuse. He has had medical problems so he uses that as an excuse to use hash to minimize his problems. If he hasn’t had a “fix” he gets very edgy and violent.

My parents together did not raise their 4 children properly. They always spanked us (which I am totally 100% against. I am living proof of just how much it can screw a child up.) They never followed through with other punishments like grounding or “no TV.” So now that we have grown up they can’t spank us anymore, and since they always said “you’re grounded” and never did ground us, all us 4 never take them seriously and we do what we want. There fore they have lost complete control of their children and all they do is tell us that we are such unruly children. All they do is tell us all how bad we are and how screwed up we all are which can be extremely damaging.

My 2 brothers have been favored due to the fact that they are not close in age and never fight. My older brother (21) has been smoking since he was in elementary and has been in trouble with the law, drugs and gambling and didn’t get his OSSD until he was 20. My younger brother who skips a lot (15) has now got himself into the habit of smoking and doing drugs. Because of the age difference they don’t really fight but they have picked on me about my weight.

My sister (16) is a whole other chapter itself. She has a major stealing problem. She steals anything she can get her hands on and also has a criminal record for stealing. She has been stealing my jewelry, money, hair things, socks, underwear, you name it, and she’s stolen it for years now. She even steals from my parents. I have to lock my things up in safes so she doesn’t steal it. I have no sense of privacy I have to hide everything. We fight like cats and dogs but she is the younger daughter so she gets away with bloody murder. I am the older one so I am expected to be better behaved but my parents don’t realize what that does to me. My sister has always been favored over me. She skips school and has flunked so many grades and gotten kicked out of 2 schools. She also smokes and does drugs like ecstasy, weed, hash, and what ever else I don’t know about. She is always having unprotected sex with all sorts of different guys. She takes off for weeks at a time and never gets in real trouble for it.

And then there is me, who doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs or smoke, graduated with honors and is able to work and keep a job as well as save money for my future education plans. I was forced to grow up at such a young age and I never really got a chance to be a kid. The only problems I have are my weight and my attitude (which they think I have but I feel I have every right to have towards them).

I have about 2.5 grand saved up for school so far in my account and I am not sure about what to do with it. Either move out and get myself away from this extremely dysfunctional family and keep my sanity or stay here because it’s free, and literally go loony.

I know how to change my frame of mind and think “they are just people I live with; the rent is cheap so just bite the bullet and live with them a little longer to get by even though I don’t like them.” But how long am I supposed to put up with this insane house? When I say insane, I mean INSANE. People yell at the top of their voices until they have strokes, people yell until they are blue in the face and lose their voices. This doesn’t happen “occasionally” it happens a few times everyday. People have no respect when you are trying to sleep.

Lately my fiancée has been noticing a difference in my mood. I am going from one extreme to the other. I am getting so irritable I will start going crazy over stupid little things like when I can’t get something out of my eye. I can’t do anything in this house with out having to hear about it. I barricade myself in my room because I don’t want to associate myself with them. I have to make food and eat it in private in fear of people’s rude comments. I am so wrecked in side I don’t know if I can heal myself. It’s going to take time. I know moving out isn’t the answer but it might be a start to the healing process. I don’t think I can lose weight because I am being constantly bombarded by my family to lose it. I am so stressed out that I don’t think my body will allow me to lose weight no matter how hard I try.

My parents don’t let me do anything. My fiancée is having problems with his truck and is offering to teach me stuff, and my parents are complaining about it. It’s like they don’t want me to learn anything. We can’t do it at his house because I am banned. His mother hates me because I am fat. If you want to read up on this article too you can search for “My boyfriend’s mom hates me because I am overweight.”

My parents talk to me and about me like I am stupid. My dad would rather talk to my fiancée, someone who he has only known a short while rather than his own daughter. He has told my fiancée things about his life that he hasn’t even told me. I feel so unwanted here and I just can’t see a point trying to make things work here and putting myself through more suffering than need be.

If I move out my fiancée will move in with me. (Oh and I told my parents that I was engaged, and they didn’t say a word. They don’t think I am serious.) He will be making enough to cover the both of us so I still am able to save.

All my parents think about is me going to college. If I am not doing anything that involves this, than it’s not good enough. They have been pressuring me to go non-stop and I am not ready at all. I want to be able to focus because I am spending a lot of money on these courses and I was to do my absolute best. I honestly think I am too young to be going for a nursing program. Is there anything wrong with trying to live a little bit before I go dedicate my life to a career? I am not getting off track.

What do you think? Please comment.