My bf and I have been dating for 19 months, and have lived together for 9. Right when he moved in, things started going downhill with his job of nearly 20 years, and he got laid off two months ago. When things started getting really bad with the job, he moved to the spare room, our sex life deteriorated, and we ceased to relate in the same way (no talk about a future together, only uncertainty, etc.).
Now, he is moving out to try and get his life in order, career-wise (he has always worked in media, but wants to be a fiction writer and says this is his last chance to succeed). There have also been some issues with an elderly parent whose health is not that great. In addition, there are numerous issues from his past (relationships with parents, siblings, ex-wife, grown children, etc.) that need to be dealt with.
If that were all that was going on, I would gladly wait for him to sort things out. BUT when it comes to us, he now says he no longer wants to get married or have kids (which was the plan before he moved in) and can't commit to ever wanting to live together again (he claims he may just not be cut out for cohabitation, as he doesn't feel free to express himself as a writer and get any work done).
He says he loves me and wants to work on things (all of the above) when he moves out, with a view to dealing with them and being able to build a future together (he has also said that while he feels the way he does right now about our future, that doesn't mean he will feel that way forever). He also says right now he is very f'd up (obviously). This entire year has been dominated by the job stress, and I've just been assuming that has been the reason for all the other insecurity and trauma...I asked him if that was the case, he said he's not sure.
I'm starting to get frustrated and I've been pushing him too hard, which makes him pull away and not want to talk, or even worse, to feel negative about continuing the relationship. He wants to keep things open-ended while he works through his issues and figures things out. I'd like to try to do that, but things so far seem to be headed in a pretty negative direction, so part of me is questioning whether it's best to just end things now.
If I continue to try, am I making excuses for him which will end up leading to me getting even more hurt in the process, or is there some genuine hope for our relationship?
hello sweetpea.. me myself am in the same sort of problem. i now sleep on the couch in the apartment i pay for while the g/f doesnt pay a dime. i cant say she has job stress cause she can get jobs easily and usually pretty quick. thee way she acts is like it is almost a chore to be my g/f. i feel we have both lost interest and are looking for a way out. maybe he doesnt want to hurt you by way of telling you he has lost interest. much like you i still love my g/f but dont want to wait for changes. we have lived together for nearly 2 years. since the day we moved in she seems to have been a burden on me. and it seems lie your b/f is a burden on your feelings. well i hope you figure things out if i can be of assistance please let me know.
Dear sweetpea33, He said he's not sure..So you need to let him go and find out what he is sure about. You are not responsible for him or his happiness..you are however responsible for yours. He need counselling and he needs figure out his life. Sound like he left a lot of things in his life not taken care of including your relationship with him. It's a sure pattern and one that won't change without a lot of help. I believe the best is to move on and chalk it up to experience. It's always wise to know how people handle their past before you get involved with their futures. Sue..good luck
