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This is a required essay that I am writing in order to finish the university of texas at austin admissions requirement. I really want to get into this school, so this is extremely important to me. I just started, I haven't even made spelling corrections or anything.I just want to see if it's good for the topic? I'm not quite sure and see what you guys think about it. Any suggestions or critiques can be of great help to me thank you.
This is the topic: write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Some of us have had the fortune to be blessed with a special human being who changes our whole perspective of life for the better. Positively impacting our well being. A perspective of life hidden from our sight, undiscovered from our knowledge gained from our own early young life experiences. I have the honor to say that I have not only come across one of these special “someones,” but many at a very early age in my life. As I am only required to write about one, I will portray these “someones” as a whole. And that is, my family.
Family is what has the power to teach us, guide us through self doubt, overwhelmed frustration,or even lack of confidence for the smallest reason imaginable. Nevermore the solution the hymn of harmony and peace to every possible feeling engraved in every single child's life. I was gathered all around me by different physical feature, face expression, voice, eyes, hair, and size. Trying to interpret the meaning of their words and the reason behind them. Forgetting all about the puzzle and clutter created in my small brain. All gone like the breeze carried within the wind, by just a single heartwarming eye look, imperfectly crooked smile, and the most lovable of all hugs.
'' Positively impacting our well being.'' is a fragment. But other than that, stunning work. If I was writing, though, I would start if off with the great qualities of your family to kind of pull the reader into your writing, instead of just having the intro explain the topic. Then, I'd sum it all up by saying something like," Some of us have had the fortune to be blessed with a special human being who changes our whole perspective of life for the better, I however, have been blessed ten times over with a family who has impacted me in the best of ways for my enitre life." Or something like that. xD
That's just what I would do. It sounds great just as you said it though. :)
It sounds very good in my opinion :) Since it's a college essay though, I would refrain from mentioning in your essay anything about them requiring you to only write about one person. Instead, maybe take that part out and simply continue with what you were doing and mention how there are many people who've made an impact on your life, your family having the biggest impact of all.
I loved the last paragraph, however; it's very impressive and shows how much your family means to you :)
