horrible life

I am a 14 African American female. At age 11, my mom died and I was forced to move out of state with my grandparents. My dad is on drugs and living his life back where I used to live. When my mom died, my older brother ,16, told me that he will never live me and he will always take care of me. Ever since we moved, he has been into gangs and drugs. It was hard enough loosing my mother at a young age but what really pushed it was when he started abusing me. I tried hitting him back, he’s way stronger than me. I told my grandmother, all she do is say “ if that was my brother I would’ve knocked the mess out of him.” or “Stop screaming, you getting on my nerves.” At first I thought he was doing this because he misses mom. Then I thought about it. Before she died, he was getting counseling and extra help. He never got this bad though. When ever I do something to him, he always think he can hit me. It’s hurts a lot and I feel like it won’t stop unless I kill myself or run away. Without even bringing up the subject, he always tells me to kill myself. Sometimes I really want to. There is no other escape… I asked for a lock… no lock… I really wanted to be a successful psychologist when I get older, but with him doing this to me I don’t think I will make it.

Today: I was on the phone talking to my friend about her 15th b- day party. He keep on begging for the phone. I say no. He goes to my grandma room to watch TV. I go down stairs to get on the computer. He come down and says he was on the computer first. Then he says that he gonna tell if I don’t get out. My Brothers room is the basement and that’s where the family computer is. Anyway, he goes upstairs and comes back down and said that my grandma said to get off. I say no. Then he says that he just took his allergy medicine and he is sooo sleepy. I said no because last time he said he was sleepy I got off the computer. Then he went to lay down for a minute, then gets on the computer. Then I was just standing there looking stupid. Now I don’t believe him. So I refused to get off the computer this time. He threaten me and says he feels drowsy and doesn’t love me right now. So we get to arguing. I get off the phone and turn off the music so I won’t bother him. He doesn’t want to here anything I want to say. I say that he always don’t have to get his way. He says that he is about to hit me so hard that he will get his way. Of course I get scared and watching his every move. I still don’t get off. Then, I don’t know, he lays down and goes to sleep. Now I’m typing this extra quietly so I won’t wake him up.

He made me cry so many times and I’m tired of it. My grandparents don’t want me calling the police because they feel as if he isn’t doing anything. Why would I lie? Yeah he gets on my nerves but I wouldn’t mess with the police for no real reason. So what should I do? Is there anything I can do about it? Should I just take the beating? I need help.