Am I just a distraction for him?

About 4 years ago, I met a man who was 6 months divorced. He was with his wife from age 19 to 31. When we met, we immediately connected and fell for each other and began dating for almost two years. We were very open and honest with each other and what to expect, and what our relationship was about. While he was attracted to me and into me and all of that–it was clear that he certainly wasn’t “over” his wife in all the two years we dated. He was with her and only her in his adult years and had no experience whatsoever with women or being on his own otherwise. He had no idea how to flirt, who he was, nothing. But he knew it felt good to be with me and that he enjoyed our time and that he needed to be with another woman to feel that light at the end of the tunnel.

So yes, you may very well be a distraction to him. A wonderful, sexy, distraction that gives him hope and happiness! So if you can just relax and enjoy this time, without asking for monogamy or marriage or a serious relationship–you are serving him best. If you are ready for marriage and monogamy and a relationship–you need to truly give this guy a break, his poor head has been through the ringer and now he just needs sunshine and puppies and warmth and acceptance without pressure. I know I was a great healer for my ex, and luckily, at the time I wasn’t looking for marriage–so it was okay with me. It was actually rather an honor to be the first and only woman he was with since his wife in all his adult years. I made him laugh, helped him find his identity, introduced him to new people (newly divorced people desperately need to meet new people), took him to new places and he just enjoyed it all. I gave him something to look forward to without pressure and I was just his friend. When I began to realize that I wanted marriage again, it was hard to break it off with him because we had developed such a special and true friendship by then where yes–we were “boyfriend and girlfriend” but it was beyond that label. It was hard and heartbreaking, but in the end, I’m glad I did it. I had to move on because I was ready for marriage and I knew it would be totally unfair to put that on him. I knew he wasn’t ready no matter how great and fabulous I was. Now I’m in a fabulous and promising relationship with a man who is ready to settle and be married.

My ex is still a very good friend of mine and he is still randomly dating and not truly “over” his marriage ending. It has been around 4 years or so since they split. While he isn’t pining away for her or wishing they were back together, he is still trying to figure out who he is, what he’s doing, where he’s going. Being with someone for so long–his life truly was melded with hers.

He may tell you that he is still in love with his wife. But what he may actually mean is that he hasn’t gotten over the demise of his marriage–which is a much bigger deal than falling out of love with someone to a lot of people.

He has kids and priorities and responsibilities. You just focus on what you want. If you want a husband, this guy isn’t your man. If you want to just have a fun summer, then by all means, give him a ride on that roller coaster he won’t soon forget.