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Do you like this poem?

I meet your eyes you don’t even see me, I tap your shoulder you don’t even care, maybe if I off myself today, then you would care.

Ok well I’m not emo -anymore-nore do I wish to kill myself but I just find this poem cool I just came up with it.

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Answer #1

hey I think the ideas behind all your peoms are really good and you have some intriuging lines but I think they just need a little more obvious rhythm and rhyme, just my opion… jasmine

Answer #2

its pretty good :)

Answer #3

MAYBE IF I WOULD HAVE SAID I meet your eyes you don’t even see me,I tap your shoulder you don’t even care, maybe if I decide to to go away then you would notice that I’m not there.

Answer #4

I agree with sethpatto in that the second part belittled the flow of the first part, if that’s what he meant. Maybe you could work on the wording of the latter. I would probably use the past-tense (met your eyes, tapped your shoulder) but that’s just a matter of opinion. Either way sounds great! A lot of potential there, I think.

Answer #5

thx for the criticizm but yeah I agree I really don’t like that part.and I’ve won contests but not for poetry. and I really don’t put my poetry up but I will try to put a better piece up like soon so I guess just look for my name..

Answer #6

honestly I dont like it especially the “off myself “ part it doesn’t sound right.. I write all the time I’ve won contests for poetry and song lyrics, not trying to sound mean or brag but I know my stuff.. and what you wrote seems novice

Answer #7

I like it!

but… I’m not sure if I would use the term “off myself” To me it belittles the situation and just suck all the sincerity and emotion from the piece.

other than that it would be a great, truly heart jerking piece that a lot of people could really connect with.

great job mate!

Answer #8

yea thx:)

Answer #9

thx guys:)

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