Change your self or wallow in lonliness and regret?

here’s the deal. I am 21 never dated-never kissed-and all that. Why? well firstly I am fat, small-breasted and generally unattractive, secondly I am as closed off from other people as they get. I was always a late bloomer and at school when everyone was busy with their puppy loves I cut myslef off from it all because a) I knew I’d get humiliated b) I’m a proud coward who can’t stand to get her bubble burst and c) I knew that it wasn’t really significant and had no interested in the flirting game. But back then I was a quiet and well respectul child, but I was also very sure of my self. I could be boisterous and loud. I wasn’t afraid to alugh out loud and pay stupid silly games in the play ground in front of everyone (games more fitting to a 5 year old than a 15 year old). I stood up for myself when I was bullied and I voiced my opinions whenever I wanted. but at school I’d had the advantage of knowing my classmates for 12 years. I knew who was a jerk who was ok and who just wanted to be popular. when I entered highschool everything changed. I knew practically no-one there. I kept my opinions to myself. I didn’t know these people, who was I to judge them? I couldn’t judge there characters and it terrified me. I shrank in on myself. I made no friends in those 2 years. I talked only when spoken to. I thought of myself as crass and boisterous, that I had to hold myself back until I got to know people. Problem is the shell won’t come off. I feel constantly on egde, wondering what sort of people there are around me, how they will think of me. HOW SAFE IT IS TO BE MYSELF… I can’t shake this attitude off. I think too much and confuse myself. I don’t like being like this, but its become so ingrained I can’t seem to stop.

the question is this: we are made from our experiences and our choices. when I left school I changed myself to stand out less, to protect myself. I became a hypocrite who can’t even laugh at somehting unless she thinks it is appropriate to laugh. who is now so afraid of confrontations that she burst out into tears at the slightest thing. I don’t like living such a stifled life, but I don’t want to change who I really am. people say “be more outgoing?” “socialize more” but even beneath my shell I am NOT an outgoing, chatty sort of person, not with strangers.

I don’t want to be a fake, whether its a shy fake or an outgoing fake

how can I break the shell I created without pretending to be an outgoing and social person? is it even possible.