Why am I happy in school but sad at home?

hi sweetie,

I am really sorry about your bad feelings at home and even more sorry for the advise that you have received that ranges from just awful to very sympathetic but not very helpful. sad how the person that had the most to say is so disturbed himself. thank goodness for the much kinder words that have been left for you.

listen honey, the answer to the dilemma that your are experiencing is simple but the solution is not so simple.

the simple answer is that you are depressed. I know that you may wonder how that can be when you are so cheery at school. think of yourself as a flower (if you are a guy I’m sorry for flowery image). a flower turns toward the sun and fully blooms beneath it. many flowers turn away and close up once the sun goes down. other flowers bloom beneath the moon but turn away from the sun. same principle for you - the company of friends, the distractions of activities, the concentration that class requires all serve to brighten your day and shove your inner pain away. but when you come home it is quite a different environment: perhaps it’s quiet, safe, loving, intimate, laid back. perhaps your parents work and you are alone. however you would describe your home life, it’s quite different than at school and there is less between you and your depression/sadness and it comes up to swamp you.

that is the simple answer - sadness = depression. the not so simple solution is not to avoid your sadness but to embrace it. which is quite different than wallowing but for a time may look or feel the same. think of it like approaching a dark room but you have no idea where the light switch is - it’s not in the usual place! you fear the dark because you aren’t sure what is in there, therefore you prefer to avoid this room yet you know that the place you want to be is on the other side of this room and there is no other way to get there. you must find your way through the dark of this room to find the light on the other side.

if you are with me so far, your Q. would have to be oookay, but what does that mean in less esoteric terms?

1. share your depression with your family and perhaps closest friends. assure them (esp. your parents!) that it’s not their fault or their responsibility to heal you. ask them if it’s okay to be sad for a while when you are with them and to talk if you feel like it and not to talk if you don’t. assure them that you aren’t really looking for advise so much as good listeners, people that you can trust and juts “be” with.

2. when you lie on your bed and the pain wells up give yourself permission to feel it fully. don’t agonize and worry about what it is and why do you feel this way and what’s WRONG with yourself. it’s just a message from your soul and EVERYONE goes through this once in a while. the trouble comes when people ignore their heart - things just get worse and worse. so go with it. and ask yourself the right questions:

where does it spec. hurt? heart…head…throat…eyes? what was I thinking about when the pain came? bring those thoughts into focus. examine the pain and bring it from general to specific - what exactly are you feeling when the pain comes? how long have you felt this pain? has it always been lurking there…did it start after a certain event… did it begin after you began something or gave something up? follow the pain back to it’s source.

ask any Q. you want and meditate on the answers because these will be your clues.

3.seek professional help. some people will go to a therapist, or a mentor, or there mom, grandparent, best friend, sibling. some people will go to the bible, or a bookstore/library and see what book they are drawn to. some people will meditate or pray. some people will sing or paint or draw on the sidewalk with chalk, write poetry. some people will journal.

4. pay attention to your dreams! if your heart is threatening to pound out of your chest then your soul is also trying to reach you through your dreams. but don’t buy a dream symbol book! everyone’s dream language is unique and specifically it is a language of feeling. so pay close attention to what you feel when you dream and ask yourself if your dreams/feelings connect with anything in your life when you are awake.

5.follow your intuition and your longings. are you drawn to certain music? do you feel drawn to go for a walk in the woods? are you missing somebody or some place? is there something you want to eat? is there some person you are drawn to? indulge these things and as you do, again, pay attention to your feelings and ask yourself the right questions: how do I feel, what is this satisfying? more clues.

6.likewise, follow your intuition and ask yourself if there is anything in your life that you hate, never want to do or see again, resent, makes you sick to your stomach, anything you are avoiding, makes you uncomfortable. anything that makes you feel angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, violated? and then again, ask yourself the right questions: do you feel bad because it violates your principles, hurts someone else, goes against your instincts? become aware of your feelings and thoughts and always ask what and why.

the bottom line is you are depressed because something is terribly wrong in your life. you are disconnected from yourself somehow. something could be missing that once was present in your life. maybe you have a talent for something that you have given up because others discouraged you or you got busy. maybe you have a need for the great outdoors/the natural world and you have gotten away from it. maybe someone important to you died or moved or left you and you are missing what they brought into your life - adventure, romance, passion, intelligent conversation, intimacy, creativity etc. if so, whatever it was, you are capable of bringing it into your own life all by yourself. you just need to connect with yourself on a much deeper level than previously.

I know that you asked this question 6 months ago, and so I pray that you read this answer and begin your personal journey to wholeness. please write again, as I will be worried about you until you do.

misskitty