What do you think of my story, (Redone)?

I thought that my last story lacked a bit of detail, so I kept the same theme but just changed it around a little.

I was running down a dark corridor, I could barley see anything but outlines of things on the ground and sticking out of the wall, I was alone, the others had been killed. They had broken in through the front doors of the establishment, I was looking for a place to hide and defend myself not knowing where that would be, thinking to myself that it would be alright and I would meet up with some of the other survivors but the chances of that were very slim. I seen a light flicker on and off out of the corner of my eye while running past hearing the screams coming down the corridor knowing that they were nearing into my position, running into the room and shutting the door behind me, barricading the door with what ever I could, the light still flickering on and off, peering around the room I could see that it was an old office, there was some destroyed cabinets and desks some chairs. Quickly pushing the cabinets containing some old files against the door and pushing the desk up against them, not knowing what would happen backing off into the corner of the room, with the light flicking on and off I was looking around the room for an escape point, I spotted a hologram recording machine, “This is Jamie Campbell from Eder Hill City, it’s the year 2074, we are scientists trying to purify the waters of the wastelands ever since the nuclear holocaust happened, I don’t know how long I am going to last here but it’s looking dire on my behalf, I would like to say anyone who finds this, the monument has been compromised. We’ve no idea what’s going on and not too sure if there are any scientists who made it out alive, the guards are dead and Project Vision has been compromised, please who ever finds then, find out if any of the scientists are alive” banging on the door started, unsure of what was about to come through but knowing that it wouldn’t be something pleasant, the screeching got louder, I could tell that more of them had gathered at the door trying to break through to get me. The door broke open and they all rushed in, they light flickered once more and got a quick glance and what had come through, the dark greens eyes had over powered me, screaming as they feasted on my flesh I cried out in pain, they light flickered once more and then died out, nothing could be seen but the screeching of the beasts could still be heard through the corridors.

                            Chapter 1
                         “Project Vision”

Three years later

I had spotted an abandoned mansion through my binoculars, curious of what was inside because the doors had been ripped off of the hinges, crossing the barren landscape to reach the designated target. Warning the squad to be cautious we approached the mansion on red alert not knowing what would be inside. We had reached the mansion pushing the door to the ground it made a thud, seeing that it was pitch black throughout the whole mansion “The power must be cut, alright men I want this to run smoothly, use your flashlights on your machine guns, we don’t know what is going to be in there so it’s the buddy system, I don’t want you going to far from your buddy, we don’t need any injuries just now, the nearest town is four miles away and I doubt that we’re going to be able to make it back there by sun down. Liam & Scott your together, Craig I want you with me, lets make it back here in say 20 minutes.. “Ooorah” the group replied “Ooorah” before we split up Liam & Scott took the east wing of the mansion and Craig & I took the west wing. We had walked into the kitchen, this place must have been derelict for a while before the war started, the prep tables – pans, cutlery everything was covered in rust, the lights were square and held by one wire, some of the lights were laying on the floor, the floor itself was covered with smashed plates, glass, pots and pans, even some dead rats were lying about. “Ryrie, check over there” said Craig I turned my head and pointed my flashlight towards that area “Seems what ever came in here didn’t like who was living here at the time” It was a body, the smell coming from it was too hard to handle “Cover your face with the balaclava” I ordered him we covered our faces and went to check out the body, it was an older man who was wearing pre-war clothes, a grey knitted vest which went over his grey shirt and a pair of black trousers his calf’s and feet were gone “What do you think could of caused this?” Craig asked, I could tell by his voice that he was curious “Well its not uncommon for the old man to have died of a heart attack and the rats to have been eating away bits of him, there just as hungry as any other beast in the wastes” I told him calmingly “I suppose your right he replied, shall we move onto the next area?” “Yea, I think we should…” Silenced had came across us both, we heard a faint screeching noise coming from door the hall “Pull back to the front door, that way we can take whatever it is out into the sunlight and get a possible ID on it. We slowly retreated back to the door telling Liam & Scott to meet us outside the front door they replied “We’re on our way back, something is chasing us” in the back ground I heard Scott opening fire with his machine gun “It’s a serious threat lets double time it, there’s more than one” I ordered the sergeant as we rushed back we made it out the front door before they did, we grabbed some cover behind a brick wall just outside the front door, placing our weapons on the top of the wall waiting for the enemy to come out the door. The sound of gunfire was getting closer and closer, we heard shouting we couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, they burst out of the door way I shouted “TO YOUR RIGHT GO GO GO” they broke out and took cover behind the other wall, the screeching noise got closer and closer not knowing what this thing was, gazing into the darkness, a pair of demonic green eyes pierced my soul I could tell this was rogue ghouls and rogue ghouls never traveled alone, always in a pack. “Alright, get ready to open fire as soon as they step out of that door way” the boney pail skinned creature burst from the darkness and into the daylight, I let off a few rounds into the creatures head, knowing there was more to come our way, they started to come in groups of four and fives. We kept on firing and firing, not knowing how many of them there were, if that was one of there nests if so there would be an abundance of them “Get a grenade into that doorway soldiers, we need to collapse it” we all threw a grenade each hoping the explosion would be good enough to blow up the door way to stop those mutated freaks from coming after us.

Three seconds later a grenade went off the explosion of it made the other three go off, the door way had gave in and collapsed on top of the bodies blocking there passage out “I suggest we get the hell out of here before they find a way out and we end up being that ghouls next meal” we started to speed march our way from the mansion and back into the wastelands of nothingness, we travelled about 2 and a half miles in silence so we didn’t waste what ever time of sunlight we had left then Liam broke the silence “Lieutenant Ryrie sir, I found this hologram tape in one of the rooms in the mansion, I meant to tell you earlier but we were interrupted by those ghouls” I looked at him then smirked and said “Wander if its of importance then we may get paid” then let out a little laugh, Liam handed the tape to me and then I put it into my personal device system that was around my wrist which played holograms

I’m open to any sort of criticism, I know my Grammar and Punctuation are not the best but what do you expect from a soldier? :P

Answer #1

At the beginning you were switching between past and present tense. :D I’m not exactly a book critic but it sounded good to me. Keep writing, editing, and revising then send it to a few publishers. Who knows. It’s an interesting plot =o

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