What do you think of my story?

It was Sunday the 5th of July, I was woken up with my alarm clock going off, opened my eyes and turned round and looked at my girlfriend Emma, she was already awake smiling at me, I said “Morning” then gave her a kiss on the lips, she replied “Morning Jonas” then she pulled the covers down got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom, I done the same but headed towards the window and threw the curtains open, it was a beautiful day a smile appeared on my face. “What’s on today’s agenda” she asked I was fixated on the weather outside “Uh. . We could go to the park with the dog and have a picnic?” I replied still looking outside loving the weather and the beauty of the garden, the trees, and the buildings, the people in the park, walking past the house – driving past in there cars, the noise everything outside made me feel as if it had not been seen in many years.

I stopped looking outside and turned to Emma looking at her beautiful tanned skin, her long blonde hair, with beautiful blue eyes, suddenly everything turned blurry and darkness appeared out of nowhere, I woke from my slumber with my back against a stone cold wall, in dirty military clothes, looking around the room noticing once more I ventured into this hellish reality that was the world today a world torn apart by war, destroyed by nuclear warfare. Picking up my rifle I walked towards the half destroyed toilet, peering at my soldiers to make sure everything was alright - we we’re a small group of mercenaries scavenging the Wasteland for supplies such as food that wasn’t destroyed, clean water and ammunition anything that could keep our survivability rate high.

We had walked miles upon miles to reach the town of Blackwater, it was about a two hour walk from the infested town of Eder Hill, Eder Hill was a city that was rebuilt after The First Great War with Korea it used to be one of the largest towns in the United Kingdoms, when the Great War of 2073 started, it caused a nuclear holocaust which reduced nearly every town to nothing more than ruins and rubble, mutating people and creatures because of the radiation. Those lucky to make it into a fallout shelter and survive broke into groups when they thought it would be safe to resurface, some worked together to rebuild towns to create havens for other survivors resurfacing also to keep out the monsters & raiders there were going about the Wasteland, some became raiders – looting, killing, burning, doing anything they could just to cause some havoc and torment others, others became scavengers tamed some of the mutated wild beasts and would barter with those who had built settlements, some raiders had made allegiance with slavers, they would take settlers of the Wastes and enslave them with an explosive collar put around there neck, if they tried to tamper with it, it would explode - if they tried to run away it would explode. Men like me, we had become mercenaries we do nothing more than kill for the highest bidder - we had decided that we would not stop at a settlement and live there, we loved the freedom and being in constant danger, doing what we wanted and earning money so we could buy equipment from the scavengers and towns to help us survive.

The reason we were in the town of Blackwater was because it was an area full of pre-war mansions some were destroyed but some remained some what in-tact, we had been delegated with the task from a resident in a scrap heap of a town called Hoozer a small group of settlers had come across and decided they would build there because it was not far from a fallout shelter, a man known as Billy West he was the mayor and the sheriff when that time came. In the city there was this man called Old Man Creal one of the oldest members of the community who used to live in Blackwater Creal Family Mansion before the war. He said that in there basement there was a safe built into the floor that held a family heirloom, but he was no sure if it would still be in-tact or reachable but he promised us five hundred pounds – two hundred and fifty pounds now and two hundred and fifty when we returned with the heirloom and we could take anything from the mansion that we see fit, he could not say exactly what the item he requested we retrieve was, but gave a vague idea that we were looking for a piece of jewellery that had been in his families for generations but he had to leave it behind when he and his family headed for the fallout shelter taking only what was necessary. He would go himself if the area was more safe but it was raider and ghoul infested, too much risk for a man of his age, so he hired us The Animals of Prey to kill anyone or anything that gets in our way and return the heirloom to him.

In the squad they’re were four men, Erik “Wolf” Smith was me the founder of The Animals of Prey, I was born in Sweden but was taken to The United Kingdoms at five years of age I was now 25, standing at 5ft9, with baby blue eyes - short brown hair with one side shaved with tribal’s - a very muscular build with tanned skin, I served in the British Army since sixteen years of age, having achieved something most men in the military could not, being hand selected for the Special Forces Training at the age of 18 and passed with minor difficulty during the trials which made me perfect candidate for leader of this mercenary group. William “Hawk” Robertson was 22 years of age, he stood at 6ft1 with dark brown hair and a rugged shaved look, William was a large muscular man he had served with me since basic training, when we split up after I had been selected for Special Forces he had decided he would become a paratrooper, being one of the most respected airborne regiments he received extensive training in survival and combat training. Phil “Cougar” Andrews was one of the men we had found wandering the wastes by himself, he was a short fellow standing at about 5ft6 with longish blonde hair, no facial hair seemed to be growing on his face so we had roughly estimated that he was nineteen or twenty but whenever we asked we would get no reply. Karie “Lioness” Duthie was the only female brave enough to venture with us at the age of 20, her parents weren’t lucky enough to make it into a fallout shelter at the time she was residing at her grandmother’s house and was lucky enough to make it into before the bombs landed. She had her short brown hair tied back with a small pony tail, her eyes were green and she had a very young looking face, she had a skinny but well toned build she stood at 5ft8. She had no soldiering experience but was our field medic and also proved pretty handy with a firearm when the need arose.

As I neared the rest room I heard a noise outside, quietly waking up the men, walking towards the window which was half boarded up, pressing my back against it peering my head out trying to keep as concealed as I could. It was a group of wild ghouls searching to fight with any sort of smooth skin or beast alike. The men watching and wandering what I was doing, they knew something was up I ordered the men with hand signals they quickly got into position waiting for my order to open fire upon those ghouls once they had reached the our defences laid across the ground. I wasn’t sure how this outcome was going to end, some of the weapons we we’re using we’re in poor condition, we we’re going to patch them up when we woke up later this morning but seems we had a slight change of plans. Peeling myself off of the wall, aiming my rifle through a gap in the wood as I watched one of the ghouls step on a landmine that was our cue to open fire upon those radiated abominations emptying my clip watching the ghouls scatter about running towards the building which was unusual tactics for them as they normally huddled together and charged as a pack. “Hawk, you seeing this?” I yelled “Yea, I don’t understanding, are they getting smarter because of the radiation or something?” he replied “I’m not too sure man, lets hope they arnae adapting” I yelled over the gunfire. We heard banging on the front door “Cougar, get that machine gun emplacement and hold them off from getting upstairs!” I ordered him, Cougar nodded and run over made sure the barricade was secure enough to hold them back after he had done the quick checks he aimed the gun down the stairs waiting for them to break through, the banging continued and continued we was wandering if they would get through or not, we heard the door starting to break, increasing the intensity upstairs, we worked our way towards the master bedroom which was down a straight corridor perfect to hold back any sort of melee opponent, cougar stayed in position but ready to drop everything and fall back if the fortifications started to fail, the ghouls broke the doors off of its hinges with a large slam to the ground, the door had broken as we anticipated it landed on top of the claymore exploding and blasting shrapnel into the enemies, we heard the screeching from the master bedroom, I turned and looked at Hawk to see a big grin on his face. Cougar pulling the trigger and holding it as the freaks came running up the stairs, wooden shrapnel embedded all over there bodies, we heard the gunfire going off, more screeching coming from them. It went quiet, we wandered what happened, had he failed to reach the fall back position, was he overwhelmed, we didn’t know, we waited two minutes wandering what would come around the corner. I heard slow movement, Aiming my rifle out the door and down the doorway watching a shadow in the distance slowly moving towards the corridor, a sharp piercing noise came out of nowhere, “Alright its clear, lets gather up everything and move on out of this place before the raiders get here, we don’t need anymore trouble” I barked at them.

I just write when I am bored and not out on patrol or on operation. I just find it a relaxing and calming hobby, open to any sort of critizim its all welcome.

Answer #1

Nice view of post apocalyptic world, good plot, needs more setting description and more detail, was a bit shady in some places but you get the overall point. Also I would prefer if you was Hawk and I was Wolf, and if I was 26 and not 22, seeing as I am older than you… :P

Answer #2

I found it entertaining and enjoyable! Maybe you can make a book out of it if you make it longer…I thought it was really interesting aand felt what he was feeling. Did you make up some of that history or was it real? Like the city names? I don’t know well I loved it!

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