What do you think of this mini story?

Yesterday I was really bored so I decided to make up a mini story or whatever you wanna call it, so tell me what you think of this

As the the anestesia wears off the victim the victim slowly regains consciousness and looks down and shocked to see that there in a dark basement and tied to a wall as they glance around the room they are disturbed and frightened by the torture devices such as spiked baseball bats, barbed wire, and large clear containers of acid that were on an old fragile table. The victim tried to escape but they were bound tight to the wall with ropes chains and large metal locks. The victim noticed there was splatters of fresh blood scattered all over the room and began to panic and again tried as hard as they could to escape but failed again. A while later the victim heard a loud deep voice say, "I think its time". The victim heard an old rusty door slowly creaking in the corner of the basement and then and a tall man about 6"3 with broad shoulders brown hair and green eyes appeared to be causasian, he had on black boots black pants and a blood stained and ripped white t shirt he calmly walked towards the victim with an empty facial expression and and with an evil grin says, "your awake already?" the victim remained silent with a terrified and fearful look in his eyes. As I took out the blade I noticed the victim becamed alarmed and began to tremble uncontrallably I laughed psychotically as I thrusted the blade deeply in the abdomin area I felt the internal organs touch my blade and the second thrust I heared a scratching sound which seemed to be the rib cage, and by the third thrust the victims eyes began to look lifeless and there cheeks were bloodshot for a moment and there whole face slowly turned pale and their head feel lifelessly on their shoulders.

3 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 3

well it's really good but a bit confusing, at first you were telling it as a narator describing how the victim felt and the back ground than you were the evil person. Pick one evil guy or narator if I were you I would do neither I would be the victim. Apart fromt that it's excellent! Try entering your miny story in a competition you could win money for it. Your very talented I myself write and If I read that I would want to read more so maybe you should even write a short book.


ANSWER #2 of 3

I like it. Just needs a little fixing up punctuation wise, but it's pretty much perfect in that area for the most part. You're the next Poe. aha

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ANSWER #3 of 3

oo, it's almost like I was there watching it.. nicely written lol, kind of creepy, but it sets the mood..

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