I was wondering if anyone can tell me what could possibly be wrong with me, or maybe I'm normal. I don't know. My problem us...
I don't fear people walking out on me. In fact I expect it. I start out completely perfect to someone and then slowly they start to hate me. Slowly I become more of a pain in the ass. I don't really feel emotionally attached to anyone. I mean I do but for some reason I push it into the back of my mind like I'm trying to force it out. I start becoming a pain to people. I force myself not to care for people, even when I really want to. I have these thoughts in my head that I'm going to be alone anyway I feel like no one is going to stay around, I mean it is true though. No one keeps the same friends, you can never be sure if your always going to always be with the person your dating, and even if you end up married they can die. You loose people. I don't feel depressed in fact I'm the happiest I can be, minus this problem. Something that could have triggered these thoughts and feelings could be the fact that I was homeschooled since 2nd grade. When I got "out of the house" it would be my mom taking me to see family, or shopping. I never really had any non related friends. Nor did my family, we all were homeschooled. Basically our parents could make us belive what ever they wanted because we didnt have any one telling us any different. I go to college now, and I really don't care for people In fact I avoid them. I am always worried what people think of me. I love my boyfriend, he thinks I'm perfect at least he did for the first 3months. We started to fight a lot now. I do love him deeply, and I cry everytime I think of him leaving me, but I know that if he left I wouldnt feel anything. One time I told him to break up with me. I went into the bathroom to hide. I wasn't crying I was just holding my breath digging my nails into my legs. I felt like I could easily force myself not to care. I want to love him with all my heart. I want it to hurt like a bitch when he leaves. He's the only good thing in my life, and I dont know what to do. I force myself to forget about reality. I often day dream and pretend I'm someone else, somewhere else. I want to stay focused on reality and be able to really be attached to people. How can I fix these feelings?
I used to unconciously sabbotage every relationship I had, for some of the same reasons you mentioned above. I felt like they were going to end up leaving anyway, so why not give them a reason to. It was weird, but for a long time like you said I had no emotions about it and I could care less when I hurt someone. Now that I found out a few years ago I am extremely bipolar and that is part of the problem. Now that I have been able to control it my thinking on life in general has changed. I feel guilty if I lie, and I have never been able to cheat on my current boyfriend (when I have cheated on every boyfriend other than him). So to me that was a reflection on my change because before nothing could stop me from doing what I wanted, but now I am a little more considerate to other peoples feelings and I honeslty miss all my old really close girlfriends. You can fun-mail me if you would like to talk more about it or if you ever just need someone to chat with.
