What can I do about my in laws...They are ruining my marriage?

My mother in law calls at the buttcrack of dawn, just so I wake up, because I am up till 2 am. Have been for 45 years. It’s not changing now. She says bad things about me to my husband, who she’s constantly calling over to “fix things” around the house. He’s there more than here. His sister is far worse, 4 years ago just 3 days short of Thanksgiving, I asked her why she had ignored me in a restaraunt when I was talking to her. She literally turned her head and after I asked her the question 3 times, she ignored me as if I wasn’t there. She screamed at me on the phone and said I was holding him back from his family, I had deliberately moved him away to punish her mother and I was a control freak. I was hurt. Truth be told, I wanted a new sister. It’s been six years, this year, and it has escalated where he is telling them things about me to gain their sympathy. They think I’m over here holding him hostage. I moved us back to his hometown, I did what I could do, but nothing seems to work. This man’s family hates me. They are now doing little sneaky things just to uproot my day and to bother me. She’s got a friend who honks in our driveway for fun now, just because I asked her not to. They call at the buttcrack of dawn to wake me up, and now my husband resents me because the truth is, I do not want him to go over there. We have an arrangement that on Tuesdays, he spends all day with his mother, who now lives 3 blocks away. On Tuesdays, he mows her lawn and “fixes” everything she needs fixed, but now it’s escalating. She had knee surgery. She’s now an “urgent care” need for him, he says. He’s got to answer his phone. He’s got to be there. We have to uproot our entire lives to go play nurse maid because his sister will gossip with him about me if I don’t give in. I am so tired of giving in. They control every single aspect of our lives. We have not even had an anniversary in 3 years! Yesterday, we were 20something miles out of town, on our ways to a lake to go fishing and his sister run the phone and told him she wanted him at his mother’s at 5:30 to take care of her, that she needed him. He made me turn around, and forego the fishing trip, through a total guilt trip about it “she’s my mother!” and even though I threw a complete and total hissy fit about it, he got his way. We went there. We were there till 9:15 pm. It’s ridiculously out of control. He’s 49 this year. I’m 45. I have no life. I have no friends left and none on the horizon. What do I do? What would you do? The small seeds planted by the mother and sister during visits, revisit our home, because those small seeds take root and he comes home angry at me for something I didn’t even do. Then, our sex life and our friendship suffers greatly. He told me he is only staying because he took the vows. It’s the “right thing to do”. I’m depressed. The house is a mess. I’m not eating right. I don’t sleep at all, in fact, since her phone call 4 years ago, I have not slept ONE SINGLE NIGHT through. I am up till 3 and sleeping till 9. I just can’t. I’m so upset about the entire thing. I’m losing the man I love and I don’t know what to do.

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Answer #1

You both need to go for counceling
His sister will never be your friend. Stay away from her. Don’t initiate coversations. If she talks to you answer politely in short sentences, always smile and be sticky sweet. If she says something mean say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away - repeat as needed.
Get yourself put together, clean the house, make some friends by volunteering somewhere, join a club, take an exercise class, just something that gets you out of the house and with other adults. You need to find yourself again. Picture who you want be. Become the fun person you want to be. The hardest part is getting started but it is not nearly as hard as living a miserable life.
Plan outings with your husband. Make it close enough so if he has to go to his mothers you can go without him and then when he is done he can meet you there. Let him know you will be waiting for him and can’t wait until he gets there. While there, have a good time even if it is alone time. If he doesn’t make it, bring him back some fish and tell him you’ll have to try again because it was great.
Turn the ringer off on your phone until you wake up. If there is an emergency she will call his cell phone. Get caller ID or let the annswering machine pick up. The world doesn’t stop if you are not available 24/7.

Become a person you can love and he will want to spend every second with you and will start to regret all the time he spends with his mother. He will also have little to complain about to her about you.

Answer #2

If your husband said hes only with you because of his vows, it means he might not have the same connection as you do to him. It is an unhealthy relationship, and it is causing you stress and soon bad health. Let them win, and leave. Because you also are winning. They won’t ever change, I am assuming you have tried to talk to them about your feelings before. And you husband will always side with them simply because he has a stronger bond to them (since infancy) and always find ways to agree some days with his “other” family when you two have a fight (which is totally common and sometimes healthy for marriages). If his mother-in-law needs help, he should help. But when she is saying crap about you, as a loving husband, he should stick up for you (because the decisions you make, you make together) and refuse to help his mother if she won’t stop hurting the love of his life–who he is spending the rest of his life with. It’s just not a nice thing to do, on a people to people level. Just leave, it will be very sad at first, but you need to look after you if know one else is. And don’t cheat, your the good person here.

Answer #3

Wow, and I thought I had a bad time with my Mother In law! I am so sorry, it sounds to me like you have done almost everything you can. Its really up to him… and its going to be hard to convince him of anything with them always there to turn him away from you. When me and my husband were married (by my dad, he’s a pastor) one of the first things my dad said was… Mitch your mom is now not the number one priority in your life Rachael is. And Rachael I am no longer the (he choked here about to cry) number one priority in your life Mitch is. When you get married that is supposed to change, and I am so thankful that Mitch completely abides by that. Your husband needs to realize how much this is hurting you and to see that its them along with him thats hurting you. If he doesn’t care then it shows that he doesn’t care like he should. I would suggest that you find a marriage counselor. Tell him that you want to help out so you can have the best for his mother, so that you can understand. That you believe this will help you through it. The counselor will see the truth though that its him that needs the help more. If you find a good counselor they should be able to show him without the advice from his sister to turn him away. I really hope you can work this out somehow because this is no way to live!! If you ever need to talk or vent just drop me a letter and I will always reply, I promise. Take care!!

Answer #4

My monster in law is just like yours and his sister is a total B*tch. I tried everything under the sun to get them to like me. I finaly got him involved in helping me make this family work and for everyone to get along. It didn’t work and he got to see that first hand since he was helping me do it. Now there is no more mowing lawns, cleaning pine needles off roofs and porches. The running to his moms has stoped. He set his sister and mother straight as to his wife and children being his focus and if they can’t treat us right they don’t have to be around us. I was beeming when he did this. Maybe getting him on board to try to make it work may help you like it did me. Then he can believe what he sees and what results his hard work gets. The calls in the early morning would have me answering them breathless and moaning just so I could lay giggling at her reply to them when I hung up. LOL Good luck and hang in there.

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