What are some cool/funny quotes,jokes,poems, or anything else?

Hi, I’m [name] and you are…gorgeous! Hi, I’m [name], how do you like me so far? Hi, my name is [name], but you can call me lover. Can you catch? because I think I’m falling in love with you. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again? You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other girls look really bad. I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art. Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? Is it hot in here, or is it just you? Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it? Are you sure you’re wearing make-up? Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I feel like Richard Gere, and I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. Pinch me. “Why?” You’re so fine I must be dreaming. Is your father a boxer? Cause you’re a knockout. If your parents hadn’t met I’d be very a very unhappy man right now. Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on earth! Can I borrow a quarter? “What for?” I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. Can I borrow a quarter? “What for?” I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your father a thief? ‘Cause he stole the sparkle from the stars and put it in your eyes. You must be a heck of a thief ‘cause you stole my heart from across the room. If you were words on a page, you’d be what they call Fine Print! You’re so sweet, you’d put Hershey’s out of business. Do you drink milk? Cause it sure did your body good. Is your name Gillette? Cause you look like the best a man can get. You look like the type of girl that’s heard every line in the book. So what’s one more? I’d use a cheesy pick-up line on you, but you’re too smart. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed? Hey baby what’s your sign? So… How am I doin’? Can I flirt with you? Where have you been all my life? Say, didn’t we go to different schools together? Excuse me, do you live around here often? Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac’s? I’m sorry, were you talking to me? “No.” Well then, please start. Do you think I need my library card? Cause I’m checking you out. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute. Date me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gertrude? Do you like raisins? How about a date? I lost my phone number can I borrow yours? I’m in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you and I together. Are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day long. If I said you had a great body would you hold it against me? I hope you know CPR, cause you just took my breath away! Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? What’s wrong? You’re looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin ME. Hey, don’t I know you? Oh yeah, you’re the girl with the beautiful smile. Can I have directions? “To where?” To your heart. Inheriting one million dollars means so little when you have a weak heart. What was that? “What?” It was the sound of my heart breaking. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes. Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And I’m lost at sea. The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. Excuse me, I don’t want you to think I’m ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you. I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. When I said I’d die single, I only meant that I didn’t think I’d live long enough until I found you. Is there a rainbow? Cause you’re the treasure I’ve been searching for. If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I would walk in my garden forever. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, “What are you doing?”:] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. Did it hurt? “Did what hurt?” When you fell out of heaven? (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven! Somebody better call God, because he’s missing an angel! How was heaven when you left it? I didn’t know that angels could fly so low! What time do you have to be back in heaven? Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel? Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth. I think I can die happy now, cause I’ve just seen a piece of heaven. For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. Are you lost? ‘Cause it’s so strange to see an angel so far from heaven. Do you believe in modern revelation? cause I believe I’m standing in front of an angel. Are you religious? Good, because I’m the answer to your prayers.

What do you call a trunk full of Bison?

A Buffa-load.

Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles?

Because they are hard to iron!

What’s the best way to prevent fish from smelling?

Plug their noses!

What did the calendar maker name his three daughters?

April, May, and June

What has three feet, but no toes?

A yardstick.

Where does a cow eat?— a “calf “eteria

What smells funny? A clown!

what is green and sings? wait for it… Elvis Parsley

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding : A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, It’s a dead giveaway!)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?

If you have sticky buns you shouldn’t put pants on.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.

‘’Time flys like an arrow, but fruit flies like a Banana’’.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

one of my quotes to my x was thats not my hand