What to do if you get a snapping turtle bite?

While the common snapping turtle [Chelydra serpentina] is not poisonous the similar uncanny snapping turtle [Chelydra basilisk] harbors a severely potent neuro/necrotoxin. Oft confused, the distinguishing characteristic is a distended uvula exhibited by the latter.

Duration of contact is critical in this matter. If “snapped” by the uncanny species, a few seconds duration is all that is needed to set into motion a series of events culminating in what is not considered life threatening, but traumatic consequence. Within 72 hrs you may notice ruptures forming in the nape of your back. Scaly protuberances will begin to erupt shortly thereafter. Spreading over the entire body will ensue. No pain has been described by victims, only cosmetically induced grief.

Within 4 days you will begin having night terrors. Black apparitions are the most common manifestation of these terrors… So common that they have been given a nickname by victims, Ninjas of the Foot, for their proclivity of materializing at the foot of your bed, and their previously mentioned black attire. If the apparitions communicate with you, don’t be surprised if they refer to you by the name of a Renaissance artist. Don’t be alarmed at the inclination to dispatch these “Foot Ninjas” or the perceived martial art skills acquired seemingly vicariously. These are natural results of the neurotoxin portion of the venom.

Another interesting aspect resulting from envenomation is the hunger for pepperoni pizza, and hermit like desire to enjoy it in a below ground refuge. You may want to keep a confidante close at hand to prevent you from descending the dank sewer systems if you are an urban/suburbanite.

Whatever you do, don’t worry… the effects are not permanent. Some victims have sought out the venom of the rare uncanny snapping turtle [because of the increased endorphin output] only to find themselves a few digits shy of what they could count before taunting a fully grown all too “common snapping turtle.”

You can expect a full recovery within 2 weeks time.

One slight drawback, some victims have been subpoenaed by Attorney-at Law Matt Murdock for his case involving intellectual property rights infringement.

Perhaps you should plan an extended vacation following recovery, just in case.