Family conflicts with friends and boyfriend

Um this story will be long, really long, if you have sometime to spare please read my story, I mean real life story about me

Well ok im 15 and I am in love with my boyfriend and my boyfriend loves me too, and were both serious about each other, we have been hiding our relationship from my parents for 2 months cause my parents are strict, so we both decided just a couple of weeks ago that feels like months that we should tell my parents, and I told my mum first and shes fine with it except my dad didnt took it well, he said im too young to have a boyfriend. But I still continued seeing him, because we both dont want our relationship to end, but we dont know what my dad actually wanted, so we continued and things got bad as and out of hand… my parents threatened me stuff like this and that, we are a foreigner in this country so we have a different culture so just think of the possibilities because I cant say them I dont wna even go to them, I didnt do anything like drugs or sex or anything like that, I just spilled out stuff that I shouldnt be saying :( according to my parents… well I got my friends mums and my boyfriend’s mum and most of my friends involve, and got the police and social worker as well… but we sorted those out just a few days ago… I said sorry to my dad about getting other people involve but not for my relationship…

My parents don’t like me going out and having a social life… well thats how it feels like, and I cant see my boyfriend and he gets depressed that his able to see me but he cant because my dad wont let me and I get depressed because im making him feel this way and he burst out into tears because his scared that I might just end our relationship because I mite get forced to… :( well my parents said im allowed to go out with friends if I ask for their permission in the rite way [I gave up asking because they always say no so I just tell my brothers] well my friend called me yesterday and I asked my parents as they said and my dad didn’t want me to but my mum felt sad for me so she let me…

and today my dad didnt want me to go anywhere because he wants to talk, he said all of this stuff and so did my mum because she cant take it any more that my dad keeps yelling at her for letting me out… so theyve said all of this stuff about me which made me so depress from this morning and now and I havent eaten anything and my head and eyes hurt but what hurt the most is my heart…

My parents pretty much said im stupid, people can walk over me, I dont know the difference between good and bad, I just let people push me around, I do these things just to fit in, that can involve; drinking, drugs, sex and crime…

when they 1st said that it didnt bother me because I know I wud never ever do anything like that because I know for sure im not stupid and I know whats good and bad and I know if people are just pushing me around and one thing I dont do these things just to FIT in because I dont care if people dont like sumin abwt me because its theyre problem not mine and my friends like me for who I am and for who im not… but my parents kept repeating this to my friends, the police and social worker and especially to my boyfriend :( that they said im the problem, I just dont get it, im a daughter of a pastor, I believe in god and my culture, my parents taught me the good things and bad things to me, I haven’t done anything to make them think ill do these things, that it got to my head and realized that my own parents dont even trust me, they always get someone they know to come out with me and it feels like im being baby sitted by my friend whose chinese and they trust her more than me :(…

I feel useless and worthless, that I feel like I rather die from all of this, my mum repeated this stuff and I told her my friends aren’t like that, they wont put any drugs in my drink because I know they wudn’t and I told her you cant even trust your own daughter! and I just went to my room and cried and stayed there and then my dad woke me up and told me to go downstairs because he wants to talk, I refused to talk from since that morning I’ve put in my mind that they dont need me, that if they cant trust me then I cant trust them, I broke up any connections we had in me, so when my mum was trying to cheer me up I just ignored her and looked at her like she’s someone I dont know and don’t like… I dont even look at her in the face and I dont talk to anyone, I lost my appetite my mind hurts and with me acting like that my mum just want to give what I want, and they think what I want is to have a boyfriend and go out with my friends, but its different now… I cnt believe my parents trust someone more who they dont even know… and what I want is them to show me that I am their daughter and that they can trust me

When I was about 4 my mum left to go to abroad because of her career, and my dad was mostly out to find money for me and my brothers and sister… and I grew up without them telling me to do, I just learned all by myself I learn how to survive on my own without my mum being there, me and my mum were apart for five years and we didnt rele get on well as I can remember what I can remember is that we always have an arguement and thats how I always see it, that my mum hated me.. and tonight when she said im her baby and she loves me I just burst out crying and I said to myself that baby she’s thinking that she left 11 years ago is still there waiting for her to come and comfort her because I know I loved her even though we dont get along…

my dad wants me to break up with my boyfriend and this problem isnt solved yet, I cudnt speak to them because I cant wid all of my feelings deep down in me I cry instead and I hate to see my mum cry, my dad dsnt want me to contact any of my friends and my boyfriend, and were all just tearing apart… what should I do?? :(

-about my boyfriend -about my friends -about my dad -about my mum -about me?

im just so depressed rite now, the only person I can share my feelings to is my boyfriend and im not even allowed to see him :(

sorry for this, but I thought it would help for me to let this thoughts out, but umm if you av any advice, umm just feel free to share your opinions

well tnx

Answer #1

I am in the exact same situation my parents are banning me from seeing my boyfriend because they think hes going to beat me and rape me and leave me in a ditch somewhere how crazy is that. im so sick of there control over me. if I go places without them knowing exactly where I am they nut and ring everyone they know and say there going to do my boyfriend for abduction. thats crazy!! they judge him when they havent even given him a chance and I hate that they wont even get to know him. if you really love your boyfriend hold on to the relationship no matter what. try to gradually show your parents they can trust you… and good luck!!

Answer #2

well damm that’s sounds kinda like my life cause I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend either but I do and he lives across the street from me fum mail me and we will talk cause you really need someone that can be their for you and I would love to help

Answer #3

well…thats the same thing going on with me boyfriends parents band my boyfriend from seeing me in sch and one understand the way my boyfriend and I feel about each other but then again im waiting for the results in the end…my name is oksana and im 15 aswell.I guess this happens to almost all teenagers.

Answer #4

At your age you think you are smart, intelligent, knows a lot about life and have the all the right in the world to experience life so that you wont be missing anything that your perception of what your life should be.

If you have this kind of thought and justification for all your clamor for independence,respect, trust etc… then start reading the crime statistics, teen pregnancy, failed relationship,broken family, scholl drop outs anywhere in any part of the world, your city or state.

Youll be surprised at how much all these people, victim and sufferers have this kind of mentality and how this kind of thinking started all their troubles. If you dont ant to listen to your parents, go ahead and be just a number in any of these statistics.

I’ll probably see your name in the victims list.

Theres a lot of bestsellers book written by people who went through these bad stages in their life and you would be learning a lot from their mistakes if you just read them.

Answer #5

Put him on the backburner for now, until you’ve resolved these issues with your family. I know that he probably seems like the most important thing in the world right now, but why not just cool it a bit because it’s going to cloud your judgement?

Answer #6

The best thing you can do right now is pray and ask god to see you through everything.My mother was the same way on me and my sisters even when my sisters got into their 20’s.It didn’t stop until they moved out on their own.At the best interest you should wait to see your boyfriend you have a little too much going on right now.Deal with your parents then deal with your friends and boyfriend later.You’re only 15 its not the end of the world and believe me it may seem like your parents are strict on you but trust me in the end it pays off be happy that you have parents that care about you and be lucky that you have a roof over your head and clothes on your back.Things will get better with time trust me tough times don’t last tough people do.

Answer #7

You have a lot going on. I think, if possible, your parents,you,your boyfriend, and your boyfriends parents should sit down and discuss what is going on. Show they you are mature enough to handle the situation. If they still have trust issues ask if your friends and boyfriend can hang out at your house so they can “keep an eye on you” that may work. Tough it out hun. Things will work out in the end. Also sit down with each parent individualy and let them know your feelings with out yelling and if they yell just say you can’t talk to them like an adult if they can’t act like one and say you want to discuss things when they are calm and walk away. I really hope this helps.

Answer #8

I think there are two basic problems here.

One is the universal conflict between parent and teenager, and the different perceptions of trust and care. You’re growing up, but you’re not quite there yet… Your parents (and this is especially common for parents of girls) worry about your level of maturity and the ability to handle conflicts and use proper judgement. All that stuff comes with experience and you wold probably agree that a 25 year old woman is more equipped to deal with tricky situations and use better judgement, than a 15 year old, because she’s been through more, in the same way that you can approach things more maturely than when you were 12 or 13.

But your parents also worry about outside interference. They read the papers every day and see headlines about girls being abducted, drugged, they see statistics about teen pregnancies, drug use and alchohol, drinking and driving, etc. So they’re protective of course and every teen thinks they’re more hard done by than every other teen. When my parents insisted I be home by 12 midnight, I always had friends who could stay out till 1. When they extended it to 1 am, I had friends who stayed out till 2. I also had friends whose parents didn’t care when they came home or where they’d been.

The second problem you’re facing is the clash between cultures. They are on the tighter side of control. They’re living in a western country but having difficult accepting that you could be embracing this new, more liberal society, and yet you’re growing up in it and you don’t want to feel like an outsider, and have to stay at home every night. This is really tough to deal with. Especially, as you say, you have often had to take on a role of a lot more responsibility when your parents had to work. Sometimes the child of immigrant parents actually becomes the parent in many ways, because of poorer language skills and lack of know-how in the new country.

Is there anyone in your extended family who your dad respects, who might have a more liberal attitude? Or a family friend? What about another pastor who your dad knows? Would he be more comfortable if all your friends and your boyfriend were Chinese?

I know I haven’t helped much, but maybe the first step is in trying to understand their position and their fears. And maybe then with a more receptive mind, you can start the process of compromise. Sounds like your mother might be your best bet – but she has to get through to your father. And if you’re willing to concede on a few items, maybe he will start to see how he can keep his daughter safe AND let her stretch her wings a bit.

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