What can I do to keep us together when her Mom is so controlling?

Hi all,

So were do I begin? OK, I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over 13 months now. We’ve been through hell and back together. We broke 5 months ago… when I found out she was talking to an very old ex boyfriend who was 3000 miles away - she wanted something there cause she simply was getting so much s**t from her Mom about me, cause of my race (she’s Italian and I’m Puerto Rican). She did it to push me away.

When we broke up… it only lasted a few weeks. I couldn’t live without her, and she said she realized how special we both were together. She asked for my forgiveness and said she would do everything to make us work. Since then, things have been amazing… Unbelievable in fact - that is until a few days ago when I brought up family. I knew the reason why she never brought me home to Mom & Dad… I wanted her to do when you felt it was right and had the courage to face her parents.

I told her to let me know now how her family felt about me, hold nothing back… and I would the same. I told her my family was a little concern about the relationship because frankly they really didn’t know what was going on in my girlfriends head; and they concerned about her true intentions and didn’t want to see me get hurt.

My girlfriend told me her two older brother didn’t know anything really about her love life. She said her Dad stays out of it and lets her mother handle it. She then said her mother wasn’t thrilled about us being together, about me being 25 and “Latino.” She said her mom would rather see her daughter alone then with me. My girlfriend then said her mom always gave her s**t for the men she dated; that she never gave her approval on anyone. She said her Mom makes her feel unwanted for being with me.

All the other guys in the past were white. Out of all them, in the past 12 years of dating - she’s only brought home 3 guys to meet her parents. The longest relationship she’s had was 17 months… ours in the second longest.

I have nothing against her mother. I know her mothers feelings are backed by stereotypes and fear. I feel like my girlfriend has been living home to long, and she for some reason has never broken away from her parents - like we all do after we past our teenage years. It’s like she’s stuck in a bubble.

I live on my own, I’ve been living on my own since I was 20 - and no I don’t want a f**king medal; I understand she simply can’t afford to be on her own at the moment. I know this. I’m ok with this. I’ve told my girlfriend that I’m with her not cause of what her parents think/feel, I ‘m with her cause of how we make each other feel. I asked her would she ever consider moving me in with… she said she afraid of how her family would react. What they might do. I know her moving in with me is not the right answer… it’s just another way of neglecting the problem at hand.

The other night, she broke down in front of me… in a way I’ve never seen her. I didn’t realize how much pain us being together was causing her to experience between her and her parents.

I love her, I truly do. I just don’t know what I should do… or say. I would do anything to show her parents how happy I can make their daughter; but for some reason, I feel like that wouldn’t even matter to them.

So to you all, my advisors: I plead for your wisdom. What can I do to keep us together? Do I ignore the situation and pray for things to fix themselves? Do confront her parents on my own? Do I stress to my girlfriend what I feel she needs to do? Do I ask her friends, who she’s known for since she was 4 if they feel her parents would accept us? Or do accept the reality that things may never change, and trying to keep us together will only cause us even greater pain - so I should just walk now? What is the right thing to do?