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My boyfriend of 3 years
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and his racist jokes have been pissing me off. He’s from India (looks white though) and I am from the West indies ( I look black). I wouldn’t call him a racist because there is no anger in his jokes. Ok, so, one day I took out his trash and I accidentally put all the plastic bottles in the bin for the glass bottle because it was dark and I could not see, and he totally flipped out. He said, why in the world did I put the plastic in the glass bottle bin, told him I couldn’t see. He started smirking, then told me that he was thinking about how all black people are lazy which is the reason why I was putting the bottles in the wrong bin. I was so hurt that he actually thought of me that way. He told me the thought just came in his head. He has a big mouth and I’m sick of him.
The other day we were at the movie theater and I whispered something in his ear about the movie, then when we got home, he said black people always talk loud in the movies. I flipped on him. I told him if I’m gonna have to listen to all these stereotypes for the rest of my life then I didn’t want to be with him. He claimed he was joking. He makes fun of black and Hispanic men all the time and still claim he’s joking. Not a day goes by where I don’t hear him making jokes about black people. I’m really pissed. The fact that he sees me in his stupid stereotype is really frustrating. What should I do? am I being a baby?
Let’s see…you waited three years to decide this habit of his is bothersome? I wouldn’t say you a big baby but your very unfair. I’m sure if you’d told him from the start that this was problem then you could have worked on this together to ake things better. But three years? It’s going to be hard to get him to change now that he is comfortable making these types of remarks around you. Of course, I agree that these type of remarks are at the least frustrating and hurtful if not own right insulting to the highest degree. If you can’t handle them anymore then you’ll have to sit him down and explain to him how you feel, for real. Like tell him that you don’t want to ever hear a remark or a joke that plays of color or race EVER again. Tell him the truth, he might find that funny, you don’t. it’s distasteful and disrespectful. See how he reacts and talk it through (don’t argue or fight seriously talk and listen). It’s the only way to try to fix this problem together.
Even if his comments are meant to be jokes– they are still racist. You are completely right to feel upset by them. I would feel upset, and I’m white.
You should write him a letter explaining how you feel. Try not to sound angry in the letter, just explain very carefully how it makes you feel and that it HURTS you. If you don’t make it sound angry or give him a reason to get defensive, he won’t.
Give him the letter and let him read it in front of you, or read it to him.
He might not understand how hurt you feel when he does these things. You have to make him understand.
He might still want to make these kinds of jokes with his friends… and if he does it might be best to just let him and not be around for it. But make sure that he understands you do NOT want to hear them around you at ALL.
Ask him if he understands that it really hurts your feelings even though they are not directed at you as a person. Tell him you really care about him and you really love him and want to be with him, but it really stings when he makes these comments and you can’t be around them anymore.
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