Where to start... I am 19, my girl friend is 17. I am her fifth person that she has had sex with while she is my second. She has done foreplay/oral with numerous more, while I have had only the one. My only sexual partner other than my girlfriend was my ex that I loved and dated for 2 1/2 years. My girlfriend has had a 1 year relationship that came to a halt due to her cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend...
(Hopefully this background on both of our lives aids you all in your responses, if not, no harm done right?)
I really don't know where to start but I suppose I can give the short story of significant events within our relationship. Two months into the relationship I heard through the "grape vine" that my girl friend was sending nude pictures to not only me. I cornered her and played investigator, it turned out that I discovered a little more information that what I had imagined. She was trading nude pictures for drugs, and also had put herself in a position were she bought $80 of drugs from some "friends" where she didn't have the money to pay them that day. She said she would pay them the next day but they said it wouldn't work because they were leaving town that day. Given she had already done the drugs, they said, you HAVE to pay us today. she said, I can't I don't have any money... then they said there is an easier way... so she first was with one guy who felt her up and made out with her for five minutes. she thought she was done and was about to leave for school when the other guy said "HEY! half of that money was from me! you owe me too..." she said, what do you mean exactly... they second guy insisted that she gave him head but she tried using the excuse of neediong to get back to school. The guy said, I'll drive your car, you give me road head and my friend will follow us in my car to give me a ride back. She complied... She finished him. while the guy she had made out with earlier was in the back seat during this all. he insisted that she went down on him too but she used the excuse, I can't I am almost at school and was able to avoid it. That was on a tuesday when she cheated on me for 80$ worth of drugs... the following day she sent a nude picture to a different guy for 20$ of additional drugs... I was stunned to hear this all, but through long talks I took her back. until recently due to finals and poor grades she was using drugs regularily. I want to move on with her because she has shown so much growth but I don't know if the bridge is burnt between us or not. I still love her and give her my 100% but she constantly keeps falling on her face when it comes to lying to me and treating me to nearly how I am treating her...which is damn good =S I have a lot of good things going for me, I am a firefighter, college student, and work 40+ hours a week through multiple jobs. I just want to help her and have her succeed in which she is showing promising efforts now but I keep finding myself hitting a bump in the road where I have been hurt from her. so every time that she does something either selfish or insensitive I am REALLY hurt, because I have sacrificed so much time and effort into her.
It is really hard for me to put this in clear legible writing, because I have such a hard time talking about it. I do my best to not think about it. I believe that I know the reality of the situation, she is unstable and I find that appealing due to my natural ability to want to help her. with that said, realistically it is an unhealthy relationship. but I know people change and this girl is only 17 years old, she has a life in front of her, as do I...
I need to talk to someone about this much more in detail because there is a lot of information that I am excluding but I can't afford a counciler and I don't have friends that are "active listeners."
I suppose the question I am asking is, "am I wasting my time?" she is showing SO MU"CH improvement. but at the same time, I dont know if it is/will be too late for us having a loving relationship because she keep slapping me in the face with her "discouraging" actions... I am not looking for a, "your a good guy" or "your a fucking idiot for wasting your time" but I would like some realistic insight from other peoples perspectives.
Thank you, Sky
This must be a really hard situation. I know what it's like to be in a unhealthy relationship, if you love someone so much and you just can't picture yourself without them this makes it easy for you to excuse all of the bad things about the person who is hurting you. I think you need to sit down with her and really tell her how much it is hurting you, tell her you are trying to do everything you can for her but there is only so much you can do. If the lying and drug use goes on then maybe you need to discuss the problem with her parents (if they are there for her). If you really can't help her then I think the best option is to tell her you need to move on, this could be the wake up call she needs. At the moment she can do all these things and you stick by her no matter what she does. In the end I believe you need to start putting yourself first, I know it might sound selfish to some people but what she is doing is damaging you more then you might think. You're both still young and if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. It's definitely not a healthy relationship, to me a relationship is based around trust and honesty if you haven't got that then it's never going to work out in the end. Instead of her taking charge and making the decision you need to ask yourself if you'd even be able to trust her ever again, if the answer is no then I think you'd know what you have to do.
I understand where you're coming from, wanting so badly to help her. It seems like the basis of her problem is drugs, since she cheated on you to get the drugs. Depending on what kind of drugs she's using, you may be able to help her break the habit without having her check into rehab. That will require a lot of work, and by a lot, I mean around-the-clock supervision. When you aren't busy with your work and school, you can be with her, but when you have to go somewhere, you'll need trusted friends to watch her. Once you can get her away from the drugs, a lot of your problems should be solved.
Some people might say that it's way too much work, but others would do that to help the person they love. It all depends on how serious you are about her. I'm the kind of person who always does everything in my power to help my friends. I didn't go to college so I could take a full-time job and get my current girlfriend away from her abusive stepfather. If you're like me, and willing to put that kind of effort into helping her better herself, then I would say that you can do it. You seem to be a very motivated and loyal individual. If you think she is the one for you, then I would go for it. You never know, without drugs in her life, she might be a completely different person, just as capable of being loyal to you as you are to her.
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. A relationship is a two-way street, but it seems you are the only one putting forth the effort. The only effort she is showing is lack of self control. I think her drug habit outweighs her love for you. Sadly, there is nothing anyone can do to make someone stop drug abuse. What you can do is make it clear to her that you aren’t willing to share her with a drug habit and then see what she does. Sometimes people do respond when someone shows they care enough to ask them to stop. If she isn’t willing to get in control of herself, I suggest you move on. You’re only 19 and you have not made a lifelong commitment with her. You are not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who has so little respect for her own life.
"gothpirate" WOW, well said! I completely agree!
