I just want to get this off my chest, I'm a wreck.

So this is about my ex girlfriend breaking up with me. I just need to tell somebody this and everything. SO we had dated for a year and a half. The first time I met her was she walked over to my house with her friend and we all smoked weed. The first time I saw her I felt a connection to her. Not love, but I liked her instantly when I saw her. She later told me she felt the same way. SO, I’m kind of a shy guy. I talked to her on the computer a lot and I hung out with her every now and then. 2 months later I asked her out, 2 days after christmas. I was thrilled, 2 weeks in we had our first kiss, well kinda. We went to the busses and I was going to kiss her and some kid pushed me so I kind of missed by an inch lmao. But after that we did it right :) that was teh first time I kissed a girl I liked. So we dated for a couple months, she got me a cool shirt for my bday, got her roses on valentines day. Then began a problem. We had dated for 3 months and she didn’t make out with me yet. I tried once and she said she didn’t want to. Then I tried again another week and she did it for like a second, stopped 1 second in and left my house crying. This happened like 6 times and always caused a big fight. Then spring break came. I didn’t see her the whole time I don’t know why. But this was the first time I told her I loved her. I was drunk and we got in a fight, I felt really bad and told her I’m sorry, and that I loved her. she said it back and alwayts asked if I just said it cause I was drunk, I said no. 6 months in, she finally makes out with me. awesome also 10th grade starts. We dated the whole 10th grade. We shared a locker. I began wanting to do stuff with her. about sometime in september I first slid my hand up her shirt. First time I ever grabbed boobs. then we started to do sexual stuff, after about 9 months of dating. just hand stuff. then on new years we stayted the night together. first time I got oral. I began getting impatient and pressuring her wit hsex. This is embarassing, but I will tell you anyways. I would always say I ‘d wish she’d do it and stuff. The thing is, we would get naked and be all in the moment and stuff, and when we’d try to actually have sex it just wouldn’t go it. we did this like 3 times, and even though she was trying I still Fing pressured her for it even though she was trying, I was a complete scumbag. 3 days from end of school we lose our virginity to each other after around 1 1/2 years. Then It all goes downhill. She starts hanging outwith another dude around june 20 not much happens, they’re just friends and I trusted her. So it’s all good actually, nothing happened. okay 4th of July. So, I broke up with her becasuse she was sneaking around with the other kid, brendan. Like, not telling me. Driving around with him and staying out to 2:30. She didn’t kiss him or touch him or hug him or anything. But this really upset me. I broke up with her for some reason and then we got back together on 4 july but I asked her to hangout up at the fair thing where she was at that I was going adn she said no she was wit h her friends and her friedns were etc etc etc Brendan. She wouldn’t hangout with me because she was with him. she lied and said it was her friends boyfriends cousin. I was pissed. I told her to F off.

ANyways, I spend the day drinking and smoking weed and being a Fing idiot. So I go back to the fair, and she’s gone as well as brendan. She left with him.

next day, I call her. She said she got drunk and stayed at his house. I was furious. She told me that she made out with him. I was raged, I blacked out, I threw my phone and I started crying. I was broken down. I called her and she begged for me back, I told her to f off. She said it was okay she was just drunk and it was alright cause we weren’t dating. We weren’t dating for 12 horus and she made out with another guy, and it took me 6 months. So it goes on like this for a couple days. I start to want her back. She comes over and we hangout. Nothing happens. I refused to kiss her but I couldn’t help myself. I told her we couldn’t date cause I couldn’t trust her anymore. So I started talking to her and it was almost like we were dating except not hanging out. I ask her to hangout and she says no she’s not ready… I figure out shes hanging otu with brendan like 3 times a week… she won’t hangout with me but hse will hangout with him.. I was getting really upset. and I started saying things. This is what really got to me, what broke my heart. She goes on liek this till about a week ago. I tell her I want to talk to her when she gets home, knowing she’s with brandon. she didn’t reply. I asked her if she was going home tonight. She said no she was staying at brendans. Alll this time she told me they were just friends… She promised me she wouldn’t kiss him or do anything with him… That night she slept next to him in his bed, spent all night making out with him and god knows what else. I don’t talk to her for 2 days. And she starts dating him. She’s with him everyday, on her myspace it says how he’s so Fing great and he’s the best boyfriend she’s had even though they’ve been dating for so long.

He’s so good because “he’s really cute, he’s really nice, he always takes me to do things and buys me thing, etc” He has a car and I don’t. His parents bought it and pay for his gas and everything. Mine don’t. I can’t get a job, No money no car. So I couldn’t do things with her and take her places.

I’m a wreck. I don’t know what to do. I think about her everyday. I can’t help it. I am still in love with her. I hate her though, after how she ripped me apart like that. Afet she told me she would be iwth me forever if she could and that I was the perfect person. I cried over her. I didn’t even cry when my grandmother who I spent a good part of my life with. This isnt puppy love or anything, This girl was perfect.

I feel ugly, unwanted, unloved. I feel miserable. I’ve been like this for liek 2 weeks. I hate it. IT just gets worse and worse never better. As I’m typing this she’s probably spending the night with him. I have no friends. No money. I’m a wreck I just don’t know what to do about anything. I want to prove myself to the world though, and I’m not as big of a piece of $hit that she told me I was.

I’m sorry if you don’t read this cause it’s so long, Typing it just got it off my chest and just knowing someone could read it helps a bit