I feel numb and confused, what's wrong with me?

you are emotionally numb me too

I feel quite numb myself. I’m working on this though. My story is below if your interested in reading a mini novel.

I was in foster care for 8 years and aged out at 18yrs. Then I lived out of my car and a few friends houses while I tried to finish high school, keep my job, and just stay alive until I went to college. BTW I had no close friends until I was 17 because I was isolated in foster care. I wasn’t allowed to have friends…I didn’t even understand sarcasm when I went to college. I was abused in every way possible, neglected and rejected by anyone and everyone I ever got close to. I graduated from a small liberal arts college (that costs 50 grand a yr to attend)this past December 2009. No one helped me ever. Not once did someone give me money I didn’t work for. One time I starved and lost 12 lbs to buy my books for the next semester. I finally accomplished my goal of being in that 2% of foster children who get a degree, but now I have a better goal…death. Why? bc up until Jan of this year I had a boyfriend for 2 years who brought me into his home where he and his family taught me what it’s like to have a family. I cried the first time I realized what I had missed my whole life. Well, now that I know what it’s like to have a family, and I don’t have one…I’m numb. All that fight I had in me to live has vanished. I have a 152 IQ, supposedly I’m a 9 on a 1-10 scale with looks. These are things that everyone wants, but I feel like I have nothing. Unless I can somehow trade my looks and my brains for a family and friends who accept me for who I am and love me…I am a nothing, a nobody who is poison to everything she touches. I have guys chasing after me constantly, but I know they would never accept me for who I really am. I’m not normal and I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I’m still very behind socially and struggle to appear normal and fit in, but keep my distance so that I don’t scare anyone away. There are 6 billion people on this planet and I’m not all that important to one of them. Women hate be bc I’m pretty and men only want me to be arm candy. I’m a worthless human being. Lately I’ve been having a great time with this game I call “how much can my body take”. I basically have a unisom and alcohol party hosted in the stomach of yours truly. Every time I’ve played this game, I’ve been the loser, waking up to unfortunately see the light of another day. The irony in this is that I have always tried to make other people feel welcomed and important…bc I have ALWAYS known what it’s like to feel the opposite. You people cant even call me selfish bc there is no one that will miss me for more than a day. No one even knows me. People only know what I let them see…happy go lucky, cheerful me. Sometimes people will make a comment about how I was probably homecoming queen in high school…I laugh to myself and wonder what they would say if I told the truth. I’m actually really messed up…serious abandonment and attachment issues. I’ve built a protective barrier inside me that puts the Great Wall of China to shame. I’m pretty sure all of my ex boyfriends think I’m crazy. One of my guy friends was telling me what he’s looking for in a girl. He said blah blah and then added “and she cant be from a messed up family or an orphan” to which I replied “please elaborate” as I cried inside. No one knows bc I don’t share this. I spend every holiday by myself. I blow off questions about my family, or I lie. The only person that knew was my ex of 2 years, his mom, and his sister. The only things I ever feel are hurt and indifference for the past 4 months. Please God let me win my game tonight.

I know exactly how you feel. There is a possibility that you are suffering from depression. Try to relax. Just let things go. If it gets to the point were you become suicidal then please seek medical attention. Medicine can help. I wish you the best and hope you feel better. =)

@gottliebstdich that is so cold, praying on people in a tough situation, but so typical when you have no real input to give.

To the original poster, I hope you are better now, I my self have been feeling like that for some years now, I’m not sure when it started for me. Like you I put up a front when I am with other people, at work etc. I don’t have much human contact outside of work, I have lost touch with most of my previous friends, so most of the time I’m alone, at home and don’t have to put up an act. I’m sorry I can’t give you any great insights, I haven’t found a way out my self.

Take care and I hope you are well, you are not alone :/.

I have felt that way- many moons ago- numb- empty- hollow pain in my chest and in my stomach- mikishots is right- probably DEPRESSION. that is what I was going through then- just listless and directionless- didn’t feel like doing anything I normally enjoyed doing, I was alone and hadn’t found my strength yet, being with friends helped a little bit- but I would just put up a temporary front- to get me through till I was alone. when I was feeling like that- I was a major alcoholic- needed to numb the pain, needed to shut down my brain, so I could just be. I had major demons to face, and wasn’t quite strong enough- and not quite ready to face them down, it took a long time for me to become ready. what helped me- was becoming 100% SOBER, leaving my ADDICT friends behind, diving into my poetry and artwork, and making decisions about who I was and where I wanted to be in life. I hope that you have things that you like to do- like writing- cooking, artwork- something (anything) that can start placing a small sense of accomplishment, and pride in your self- into that hollow place, help out others, anything positive that will help you fill that void with positive feelings about yourself. I don’t know your particulars- like drug addiction? alcoholism? bad family life? so I don’t know what demons you have to personally face, but finding something positive to make you start feeling again, and possibly seeing a psychologist ( to help guide you) will be a good place to start.

Reading your question is like me asking the question right this instant. Know you’re not alone. Do something that’s physically and emotionally healthy and just lose yourself in it. Photography, reading.. something. For me, it’s my kids. I live for them.

Good luck.

It sounds as though you have been hurt and you are going through a form of depression…be blessed it is going to work out for you.

I understand how that feels like because its axactly how I feel. I dont feel anything, its crazy!!! I don’t find pleasuer anymore. I dont see how anything will excite me.

The answer to your problems can’t be found in a medical book or answered by a doctor. Sure they may say the symptoms point towards depression and it could very well be but what caused it? After putting their heart and sould into posessions and people they find life is meaningless. There is only one answer to your problems and it will be the scarriest thin you will ever do. You have to give your life over to God. You have to admit that you can’t do it by yourself and that you are a sinner. You have to admit you have done wrong and are sorry for it. Ask him to come into your heart and change your life. All you have to do is believe that Jesus died for your sins. You may not feel a physical difference right away but it will give you the strength to continue on with life. John 3:16 God so love the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

You may feel desperate and devoid of emotion or even worth now. Even if you feel like that for the rest of your life you have to realize that we are only on earth for a small amount of time compared to eternity once we are dead. Romans 10:13 Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.