How to I stop the urge to cheat on my husband?

I have been married to a great guy for 10 years. We have a child and most people looking into our relationship from the outside would say that we have the perfect life. I've worked so hard in making the outside look "Flawless" that I forgot to work on the inside.

Long story short, here is the issue, I have been flirting with a younger, very established man. I am extremely flattered. A few days ago, we kissed. I did not stop it. In fact, I am consumed by the idea of "wanting more". I think about him constantly. I want this feeling to stop because the guilt is eating me up inside. I can't sleep or eat. I think about him all the time.

I told my husband about it and he said, he asked me if it was over. I said "yes". He gave me a kiss and said "good, I don't want to talk about this again. All I ever wanted is you, don't do anything to ruin what we have, I love you".

After the conversation with my husband, I still look for ways to communicate with this other man. How do I make these feelings go away. I want my life back to the complacent state that it was in 2 months ago. Please help.

Answer #1

I am on the point of cheating on my husband. I am in love with a man for six months now. I see him every day when I go to work, but I don’t know if he knows my feelings for him. He is married, too. When the weekend comes, I can’t wait for Monday morning. I even try to return later from work, just to see him a bit more. I’m shy, so I didn’t tell him anything. We’re just frinds and getting better and better. If he were to make the first move, and You don’t know how I long for that, I wouldn’t hesitate. I can’t eat or sleep because I think of him all the time. I even lost weight and look better, my husband told me so, and yet I long for somebody elese’s kisses and embrace. I cry a lot because I think he doesn’t have the same feelings. And I try to content myself with a few glimpses of him. But I don’t know if I could leave my husband for him, but for his eyes, because I fell in love with his eyes, I think I would. Anyway, I am aware that my husband doesn’t deserve this treatment. So, what can I do?

Answer #2

Try the swinging scene and culture / Where you can lust together as a “TEAM” MILLIONS ARE SWINGING / MORE AND MORE EVERY YEAR !! But be prepared / usually after a given amount of time [ THE MAN GET’S SCARED ] And want’s to quit SWINGING / But the women does not. / THEN THERE IS A FLAW !

Answer #3


Answer #4

i guess i don’t get it. i am married to an older man, and in love with an older man. i don’t think it is the younger man that does this. i am not sure what it is, the attention, the look of the kiss. i had that too, and didn’t want to stop. the only reason i did was the hurt. my guy and i stopped a few months ago and i still drive by his house and look. he is also married with kids, like me. it is really hard to not admit what is going on (out of my head). i find myself waiting for him online, which is not how we met. he tells me that i am bad for him and i know he thinks about him. i am not happy in my marriage and have told my husband that. God doesn’t like divorce. i can’t leave my husband. God will not be accepting of that and i am a religious person, or so i thought.

Answer #5

Girl, I understand what you are going through.. I think you are going through what I am. You and I both know that if you are happy, married and enjoy your current life, then the crap has got to stop now. Sure it is fun, dangerous and exciting. Sure this new guy is hot (why would it have started if he wasn’t) However do you want to loose what you have? Is is worth it? I am asking myself these same questions and I know you are saying no, but man you still are dreaming about this guy. Keep it to the dreams.. is it really worth it?

Answer #6

One thing that really helped me is the advice from the book, The Purpose Driven Life. Temptation isn’t something that you fight, you flee from it. In other words, you don’t face it head on and fight it. You focus your attention on something else that is good. When thoughts of this man come into your head, you make yourself think of something else like what a great husband and child you have, or pray. At first, this is really hard, but keep doing it persistently and after a while, the temptation dies. It sounds like you are seeing this already. It will get easier, so hang in there. :)

Answer #7

Thank you. Do you know me? Your response is too close to home that I am begining to believe that you know who I am. Where or how do I begin to get help? I want to save my marriage and my family. How do I get passed these feelings of wanting to be with this other man?" Please advise.

Answer #8

Do you Love your Husband? IF the answer is yes, then how can you prove you love HIM? having feelings for the prohibidid is normal, we normaly get off on what is wrong to have, just for the thrill, its like when you fall in love with a man, that your parents don’t want, and just going out temping not to get cought is what we really like. This other person, belive it or not, only wants you for sex, NOT YOU. Your husband REALY LOVES YOU, Just think, he knows and is willing to forgive you. NOw that is LOVE.

Answer #9

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Answer #10

This is great to hear of other’s experiences. Thank you mysecret for offering actual solutions on how to stop thinking about the new flame. It would be great to hear from others too that have actually had success in resisting/avoiding/overcoming the temptation to cheat or pick up and leave. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a long time, had many ups and downs, love him but sometimes not sure if I am “in love”, well temptation has come along - and I’m suddenly feeling “out of love” - and I realize that’s exactly what happened the last time. Gotta be good. But damn! The thought of newbie feels so good - aren’t we supposed to feel good? OK, I’m gonna try to use the techniques to feel good.

Answer #11

Being in love with the same person for a long time can leave you with flaws and its a hard road to travel on. But look at your child and your husband. Take the time to examine each one of them and see why you love them. Love can go through many phases, but you just need to stick it out. Today many of the younger men seem to be breath taking, but its just a voice inside our heads that want what we see. Spend some time with your husband, get away from everything were it cam just be you and him then see how much he means to you and if he really is the one for you. I hope everything goes well for you.

                                   Much Love
Answer #12

This is the beginning to the end of your marriage. It's the prelude, the prequel, the preface of the divorce. Can you envision the look of pain in your husband's eyes? After giving you the wonderful gift of trust you betray him. He sounds like a mature man who believes what you say. What did you want? Him to grab your arm, twist it and say "Better leave that kid alone B*h!" Want him to check on your every move? Listen in on your phone calls? Because that is sometimes what a teenager will mistake for love.

Now envision your child going through a divorce. It will change who your child is. Your child will have trouble trusting and creating a good relationship of his own when he's older–thanks to your boredom. You kid will forever feel guilty when he [Using that pronoun] feels close to you [betraying dad] and when he feels close to you, he' feel he's betraying dad. He'll miss one parent at each holiday. He'll agonize over events you should both attend like graduations and his wedding. He'll have to make room for you and your X's new spouses and figure out what to call them.

Now envision yourself having created all this. You'll date and find out it's not all it's cracked up to be. You'll meet some real losers. Maybe you'll even latch onto one, but statistics show that you'd have a 63-68% chance of flunking that marriage too [not good odds]. Your median income will go down. You'll feel silly when people ask you, "Why'd you get a divorce?" Because your answer is: "I was bored. He was too nice, etc." You know the anxious guilt you are feeling over one kiss? Well magnify it and think about lugging it around constantly.

How can you stop the feelings? Do whatever it takes. Get counseling–because believe me the problem with your marriage is NOT your husband. It's you. So fix you. Transfer from that store. Change departments. Let your mouth tell the young guy, "I was wrong to kiss you. Go away and leave me alone." What do you think the Jolly-Green-Feelings-Fairy has given you these feelings? No, you have. And you can stop them. Or you can disregard all this, continue on your way, and end badly. And your guilt will be increased because you will know you knew better.

Answer #13

Thanks for the advice everyone. I am guilty of cheating on my husband - have been for over a year. I never in a million years thought I would be this girl but here I am. Cheating is a disease and at times I feel that I am in way too deep and have nowhere to turn. No one to talk to. I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me - I have put myself here and I will pay the consequences one day. I love my husband and he does not deserve my manipulative ways. I don’t want to live this life anymore though- this life of cheating and living on the edge. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this situation that I am in. I tell myself that I won’t reply to his emails…but I continue to keep a hold of him with a thin string and I go out of my way to see him at times. My heart aches for how I continue to disrespect my husband. I can’t eat or sleep. Just don’t know how long I will be able to live this life. If there is anyone out there feeling this way and has any words to help me I’d be very greatful.

Answer #14

What you need to do is work on your marriage. From your husband’s answer…I can only assume that he is also very busy keeping up the facade of a perfect marriage.

My husband and I have a far from happy marriage but he would have had a fit and done who knows what if I ever told him I kissed another man.

Keeping “a good face on” is harder than actually being in a good marriage because it’s not honest. You are about to fall off the wagon in a big way. Of course you want more..who doesn’t fantasize about another person once in a while? Your mistake was creating an intimate relationship with someone other than your husband. That’s where the real danger is because it fools you into thinking you’d be better off with this guy.

Your husband needs counseling too. He may like being oblivious to his surroundings but it’s not going to be good for your marriage. It’s obvious your “perfect marriage” isn’t good enough for you.

Answer #15

No, I don't know you personally, but I know quite a few women who have regrets now, because of frivolous decision they made in the past.

How do you get past these feelings for the other man?

Look, there isn't a magic pill to get rid of the feelings. There isn't any magic. It's a decision.

Next you'll say, "But it's hard."

And yes it is. But you can't stop at hard, because it's not the last hard thing you'll ever have to do in life. You have to meet "hard" straight on. You have to admit responsibility for letting these feelings for this other guy in. And now you have to purge yourself of them, day by day or minute by minute. You have the make the right decision minute by minute.

It's all a decision and it's all in your hands. But do set yourself up to succeed in this by [once again->] get counseling, transfer departments or stores.

But all of this is up to JUST you and the decisions you make. Make the mature one. Believe me you will respect yourself more. Come back in a couple of months and tell us you did it!

Good luck and blessings

Answer #16

I was in a similar situation several months ago. An old boyfriend from high school got in touch with me because he was coming through town and wanted to get together for lunch. I decided to go because I hadn’t seen him in 20 years and wanted to catch up. Unfotunately, there were sparks. Nothing happened but I wanted it to…To top it off, he felt sparks as well and told me that he wanted to see me again and that he felt “drawn” to me. After talking with friends and eventually telling my husband about the lunch date (he wasn’t upset btw) I made the decision that as much as I wanted to see him again, it would be creating a very bad precedent. I still talk to him but I made it clear that it can’t go any further (he had told me he didn’t care if I was married,etc.). The next step, and the step I recommend, is finding something to occupy yourself. Go out with your girlfriends, start scrapbooking, walking, shopping…something! Anything to get your mind off of him. Go on a trip and reconnect with your husband. You’ve got to keep your mind from being idle until you can get past your feelings. I joined the 3 Day walk and have been training my butt off. Keeps me busy! Its been 2 months since all of this occurred for me and yesterday this man called and said he was coming through town again and wanted to see me, that he missed me. I told him “no”, and I felt good about it.

Answer #17

I think the problem isn’t necessarily with you folks but with society as a whole, or at least what we define it as. For some reason we feel we need to possess everything that is around us, it’s always mine or yours and there is nothing in this world anymore of which isn’t someone else’s possession and it is in this which lies the flaw of humanity. Why do we feel we need to own everything? What is it that makes us believe we can? Those are questions I have asked myself many times over and have never really came up with a solid answer. I do however believe that maybe in part it has something to do with Civilization and western monocultures. In believing this I can somewhat set aside this mindset that we need to own each other to love one another, whether it be sexually or a more mutual relationship. However, I manage to contradict myself at every turn. Relationships alone are some form of possession. To have an attraction to another individual is not abnormal nor should you reject this and critique your actions as this simply is part of nature. We all to some extent need sex and we just are not genetically program to control our urges. There is no gene in our body controlling who we do sleep with and who we don’t. The only thing that even matters is that we do. Even attraction itself is a mindset, something that we are taught now this is not to say that it cant be changed but this is not the norm. But in conclusion I think the sooner you come to terms with the most basic instincts of your bodies needs and spend a bit less time worrying about societies you will live a more fulfilled life!

Answer #18

Oh my God! I’m going through the same thing right now! I haven’t done anything about how I feel but must admit that this whole ordeal has made me miserable for the last 2 months. Thanks to all for the different advice. Some of it did get through to me.

It just helps knowing that I’m not alone. I’m trying to be kind to myself as I’ve been hard on myself for having these feelings but…we’re all human and the teenage girl in me is enjoying the stroke to her ego etc.

I just don’t know how to accept the idea that I will never get to have a thrilling first kiss again…I know that I could never find better than my husband…he’s wonderful person who truly loves me…I just really have a hard time getting this other person out of my head.

I just hope it gets easier. I want to feel how I felt before meeting this other person…

Answer #19

It's been nearly 2 months. It is still a struggle. The phone calls stopped, the quick peek to see if he is at the office or the quick drive by to see if I'm home all stopped. We cut all ties and it is still very difficult. I still think about him everyday. I look at pictures and I remember conversations that we've had.

The only thing that gets me through all of this is the thought of what my life would be like with out my husband and child.

This person that I fooled around with is not worth risking it all for. He is young and very immature. The only thing that I got out of this entire experience is a lot of heartache and loss of self confidence.

It will take a lot more than avoiding the situation to make it go away. Thank you for the advice.

Answer #20

This all boils down to self esteem and ego. You should realize that your feelings are normal for a woman but just remember you are a married woman. By having a younger man pay some attention to you it gives your ego a boost and raises your self esteem (temporarily) but if you had an affair it will lower your self esteem and you’ll have regrets for the rest of your life. An affair might be exciting for the moment but it can destroy you and your marriage only to subsequently find out it wan’t all that you thought it would be. Men who come on to a married woman are only out for one thing and it’s really a stupid thing for a man to get involved with a married woman and can be extremely dangerous.

Answer #21

I am having issue also. An old flame whom I will always love even thou I loe my husband came back into my life a few months back on a friednship site. I looked forhim for many years, I thought he was kiled voer seas. Well we talked for months on phone. he lived on other side of the usa. He came back into town to see friends and family but told me to see me. it had been 12 years. I haev ben married 9 years and lvoe my husband but we have had problems. I never have cheated on him till now. never would een think about it. yet when this old love came over and hubby let him spend the night while he was at work. we cuddled for hours on sofa then one thing led to another . I do not feel guilty for I know hubby cheated in past. This person will always be in my heart. I know they do not want relationship. Yet we want to be togther. I do not know what to do. Hubby says he cna stay here any time when he is at work. makes me feel as if he knows and does not care. In fact he is letting mego otu with him this weekend and go out of town and get hotel wiht him and a friend. I am wondering does he even care why would he let me. I know once I get around oldfalmei will never be able to control myself but I want to see him. he will be moving in next door with a friend. I lvoe him and my husband but its different kind of love.

Answer #22

This sounds like me six years ago, but the girl got back with me and got pregnant. But the husband still kept her. Must have loved her. I remember the 1st time she broke up with me he called half a dozen times and all I good hear him say was “is it over,” and “good”.

You done the right thing.

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