How do I know if we need couples therapy?

mikeh - thank you :) THAT was my favorite answer I’ve gotten on this site yet. you’re completely right. I talked to him last night about us breaking up, which should just be me saying we’re going to break up but that’s not how I’m going about it. we’re going to talk about whether we can save the relationship at all with help, or if we should just call it over right now with all the problems both of us are having that are just being pushed together to cause more problems. I guess we’ll have to see what happens when we talk, but if we break up it’s going to be on a good note so both of us know it had to happen.

Good on ya. Break-ups don’t always have to be bad things. I love a lot of my exes very dearly and remain close with some of them, but that doesn’t mean we’re romantically compatible. Trying to stay together just for the sake of staying together would have resulted in us resenting each other.

see this is awkward, because I don’t want to sound like some stupid young girl who doesn’t know what she’s talking about :P I’m 18, which isn’t very old, so I shouldn’t be able to figure things out like that. I’ve been through some difficult relationships already in my life, which is why I’m so jealous. I’ve had a lot of guys cheat on me, and one lasted 7 months where he cheated on me the whole time and I didn’t know until the end.

I’m very serious about my current boyfriend, and I have been from the beginning. I know I can trust him, but I feel so scared when I do let my gaurd down because you never know what is going to happen and what you might find out later. he and I are great together when we’re not fighting, and the main thing we fight about is my jealousy, but otherwise it’s an amazing relationship and we could EASILY make it to marriage. I just don’t want to keep going if we can’t get past my jealousy, which is my problem and I know that. I just don’t want to go in there and have them say it’s weird that we’re there :(

well he’s really against the idea of us breaking up right now, and every time I bring it up he gets really sad. but I’m trying to tell him that it’s probably for the best for us right now. he doesn’t want to break up at all though :/ which is making it hard.

I normally hate it when people do this, but I don’t have the patience to do it another way. You’ve managed to paint some pretty serious illusions for yourself and convince yourself that they are true, and it will be easier to refute them line by line:

• but I feel so scared when I do let my gaurd down because you never know what is going to happen *

And you think you don’t need therapy? You have trust issues, m’dear. Maybe because you really can’t trust your boyfriend, maybe out of fear of rejection, who knows. But people secure in their own skin do not use lines like that, and they definitely should not be in a relationship. If you are this insecure with yourself, you’re gradually going to make anyone with you grow to resent your weakness (unless you find someone completely co-dependent, in which case it will work out fine).

he and I are great together when we’re not fighting

But you ARE fighting. So you aren’t great together. Period. Rating a relationship’s merits based on the times you aren’t miserable is refusing to face reality. Lines like ‘’he and I are great together when we’re not fighting’’ is like saying ‘’this is an amazing car when it’s not on fire’’ or ‘’this is the best job I ever had except when my boss shoots me in the foot.’’

and we could EASILY make it to marriage

No, you couldn’t. Well, you COULD, but it would be the worst marriage in the history of anything. The idea of going to couple’s therapy at 18 to save a relationship that’s only a YEAR OLD (I know, seems like a long time, right? It ain’t) is madness. Lunacy. You’re too young to get locked into a miserable relationship when there are so many other options available to you.

I know I can trust him…I just don’t want to keep going if we can’t get past my jealousy

Do I need to point out the dichotomy here? You’re trying so hard to convince yourself that this is worth saving that your arguments aren’t even matching up.

You definitely need a lot – a LOT – of therapy. Your self-image is in the toilet, your trust issues are out of control, and you’re confusing relentless, pointless, head-against-the-wall effort with a happy and successful relationship. Move on.